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There's no hope left..I think I might do it after all..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TroubledLoli, Jun 12, 2009.

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  1. TroubledLoli

    TroubledLoli Account Closed

    Quite a lot of time ago I posted here about the dilemma I was facing ( http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=63094 ) Please read this so understand what I'll be talking about. I can't possibly type it all up again...

    I've given up hope that things will get better. A few days ago, I took the courage again to tell my boyfriend that I don't feel the same for him anymore and he immediately started threating to suicide. He cut his wrist in front of me...I feel helpless and I dont know what to do.

    He's going to a therapist, but that doesn't seem to help. I can't watch him die. I won't be able to live afterwards if he dies, especially because of me. His parents don't care, he only basically has me to take care of him and watch him. And I can't take all that weight on my shoulders anymore. It's just too much for me.

    I've given up on my dreams for him. To make him feel alright and stand beside him. Yet he refuses to accept that I just...don't love him the same way anymore. I care about him, more than I care about myself sometimes, but as a dear friend.

    I seriously can't take this any more. Any of it. I haven't smiled in ages, I feel sick and older than I actually am. Everyday it's the same thing. We're living together now, I decided to stay with him to watch him and prevent him from doing anything to himself. I've given up college in order to watch him and make sure he's alright. His parents simply don't care, they live abroad.

    Everyday, I go to work, come back, prepare lunch for him, take him out to get french air and try to cheer him up somehow. He says I'm all he lives for. That he wants to marry me and have a family with me. But I don't feel the same way anymore. I've tried to tell him countless of times, but he pretends not to listen. I've told him, that I'll be staying with him as a dear friend, but he never listens. He pretends not to hear any of it.

    I feel lifeless. I've realized that if this goes on, I'll spend all my life living a lie, and digging my own grave. But I can't just live him alone. And if I tell him straightforward that I want to break up again, he will try to kill himself. Even if we make sure to watch him and not let him do so, he will find a way, just like last time.

    I don't want to live if it'll mean live to watch him die, because of me, too. I prefer to let go myself and escape that way. I wanted to live, and make my dreams come true, but they seem impossible to reach right now, and if he killed himself, I wouldn't ever be able to forget and move on.

    So, I prefer to take my own life instead, before watching all of this happen. It'll hurt too much to, much more than taking my own life ever will...
  2. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    You are not your boyfriends mother. He is taking advantage of you. I commend your caring, but you are destroying yourself. If he is as suicidal as you say, call 911 and get a hospital involved. No reason to destroy yourself to "help" another.
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