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There's no point haha

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by aki, Jul 20, 2008.

  1. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    No matter what i do....i just....i feel too tired to type...meh....i just...can't...i dunno...it was good to feel upset in a way because i actuallyfeltsomething, i guess.i feel so tired,i haveto wait a month or more to see a psychatrist, i have no one to talk to until then. i live with my parents but i haven't told them about being depressed, about taking pills. i tried but i can't. i'd tell my mum, i love her, but if i did she'd have to tell dad too. and i fucking hate him. i don't want him to know. i don't want to have him tell me in a smug tone, 'well at least you can get sorted out now' andjust be patronising generally. i'm upsrt and he fucking LAUGHS at me most of the time. or he tells me to stop being horribleto my mother. he sentme to therapy expecting us to stop arguing, for our whole family to be fineand dandy, because, of course, I am the only reason ourfamilyis unhappy. he blames everything on me it makes me sick. i said how i was the scapegoat for our family once and he fucking slapped me around the head hahahaha yeah that struck a nerve obviously. he likes to stick to the comfort zone of 'the only reason shes angry is because shes angry at herself' i do hatemyself, tbh, it doesnt help my self asteem when i lie in bed and think of the timewhen you said you were worried that i'd end up in a mental hospital when i was older, when i was a young teenager. or how you've been telling meto leave since i was 15 years old. or how you said that my mum spends every second of her free time locked in her bedroom because she wants to get away from me. that last comment, aboutmum, you KNEW how much that hurt me. i cried for hours when you said that. i called mum up andshe was desperately worried i'd kill myself. but you said it again.
    'she only hatesme cause she hates herself.' i can't change you thinking that but its wrong. itswrong. its wrong. you arrogant bastard.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :hug: I am sorry your dad behaves the way he does. It is inexcusable. I would talk to your mom if at all possible. Explain to her that you are uncomfortable wuith your dad knowing and would rather she not say anything to him. Go to therapy because you want to go and for the issues you want to deal with, not what your dad wants.
  3. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Whenever I talk to her, she sides with him :( she doesn't want to damage their relationship.
    She loves him more, she chooses him over me.
    Or maybe I am in the wrong. But I know that she would feel guilty, she wouldn't want to keep such a big secret from him. I undersatnd that she doesn't want to damage their relationship...but...I do think, what about me?
    Thank you for you reply :hug:
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: i just want to hug you :sad:

    that's so awful.

    your father is a bastard

    you aren't to blame here. he sounds like a very abusive man. who hurts you a lot and then blames your anger (righteous anger from his treatment of you) as an inherent fault of your own, and makes you feel shit.

    hitting you around the head. blaming your for everything. making it out that you are at fault for your mother being in her bedroom (when most probably she's trying to get away from him) he sounds so much like my father.

    and blaming everything on you- to get rid of everything, any blame from him.

    , no wonder you feel so awful. reading your post makes a lot of sense why you feel so bad.

    and you are right. he is wrong. he is very very wrong. he's the sick one, he's the one whose got the screw loose not you.

    you've said everything that i've said. you're figuring out for yourself where your self hate comes from and it comes from him and his abuse.

    i think your post was wonderful by the way.

    and there is a point in your post- you're putting blame/hurt/ where it belongs- on him and not you. your anger at everything your family sounds completely understandable. try and aim it more to them than yourself.

    your mother sounds like she is either being messed around by him, perhaps she feels scared of him, or maybe she doesn't see what he's doing to you. maybe if she sided with you, he'd be horrible/abusive to her. just a few thoughts to explain your mother's neglect- which i can imagine feels so painful.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2008
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not in the wrong. Your father sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing. Is there anyone else in the family who shares your point of view, like cousins, aunts or uncles.
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your replies :hug:

    ggg4567 - it's hard to explain....he's not like that all of the time. He gets on well with most people. It's just like we just don't get on at all. He takes things I say completely wrong and I take what he says completely wrong. And then it kind of escalates....but he's never willing to talk about anything...like I'm the sort of person who thinks that it's good to argue sometimes, to resolve things. But he won't do that, he just goes, 'ok' in this strange sort of chirpy fake tone, like he's trying to wind me up. Or says things sarcastically. Or patronises me. Sometimes I get really upset and start crying out of frustration, and he just laughs really coldly in my face. I've told him that it makes me angry, and can he not do it. But he just keeps on. It's incredibly frustrating because he never listens. The way he treats me...I just think it's so rude and disrespectful, but he doesn't think he does anything wrong at all. He just thinks its me. And then sometimes it gets really bad, and there's violence or whatever. If I'm violent, then, he's like, 'you think theres any excuse to be violent towards your parents?' But if he is, its my fault, I drove him to it. It hardly ever gets to that though. My mum....I think she loves him too much. She doesn't want to lose him, and also, she doesn't really think he's in the wrong. She always gets angry and tells me that he's a wonderful father, and compares him to her father, who she said was really distant and cold. I don't know...it's really hard to explain.
    I find it really hard to think that I'm not to blame a lot of the time. It felt so so good to hear you say all those things. I read over your reply a lot. It's just so confusing. If your constantly being told something for years, you start to believe it.

    Mystic Eyes - no one else really knows about the problems our family has. It just seems to be me, and sometimes my mum, who he doesn't get along with. My sister seems to agree with me, but she could just be saying that because she doesn't want to upset me, I don't know. My dad says that she's only saying that because she's scared of me.

    The whole situation makes me doubt myself so much, like what if I am the one in the wrong? I know I'm in the wrong sometimes, I'm way too sensitive and argumentative. He just doesn't think that hes doing anything bad at all.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Maybe the reason your sensitive and argumentative is because of the current and past situations. So I doubt your in the wrong.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    weirdo ripper I hear you :hug:. It might be really good to talk these things out with a counsellor. It took me ages to realise what family environment i was living in and it tore me apart when i slowly started to realise. It is confusing. Psychological manipulation like this can really tear you apart:

    violence doesn't need to be physical. what he's doing there is emotionally/mentally violent. :hug:

    it does sound like you're in a confusing place at the moment. i know the feeling, trying to untie my family and my place in it.

    my mother did the same. 'what i had when i was younger i had nothing.' this isn't about comparing lives- she's just detracting from your dad's behaviour which is unacceptable and doesn't want to look at it because it'd cause upheaval in the family where your dad's behaviour/role will actually be questioned. your father sounds not only distant and cold, but emotionally harmful and violent, sometimes physically. scars don't need to be physical. emotional scars last longer than any physical ones. getting on with most people doesnt matter, it's what he's doing to you. you said yourself you actually tell him to stop- meaning you're letting him know how he's effecting you and he doesn't even stop, he carries on.
    looking at all this can be hard to realise when you live in a house like yours for so long and all this is 'normal' and family members don't look at what's going on. he's hurting you and nobody sticks up for you.

    from what i'm reading, you do seem to be scapegoat. you're not in the wrong, there's nothing wrong with you- you're reacting very understandably to your parents' behaviour which they've never had to look at and nobody has ever called them on

    why exactly does he think your sister is scared of you? again to me, it seems like he's manipulating your sister's words/support leaving you isolated so he can get at you without anyone protesting at his actions/behaviour..

    your mother might also have trouble seeing what's going on seeing as she doesn't seem to have had a healthy relationship with her own father, so thinks what your dad is doing is ok.

    i'm glad to know i've helped but a good counsellor might help you better. xx
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2008
  9. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    I had problems with annoying mother. But in last few years she cooled down a lot. She's still whining most of the time how hard her life is with such an ungrateful husband and son, but at least she does it quietly and politely without Hitler-like hysterical tantrums. I guess she finally emptied her batteries :biggrin: Hope your dad does soon too. :hug:
  10. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    omfg i take it back, my mum is just the same as my dad. what a weak willed pathetic person, just gives in constantly, just lets it go, i swear to god i'm going to get 'i just want a quiet life' engraved into your fucking tombstone. you fake patronising fool...do you not think i can't see iT? do you think i'm stupid?? i can see through you....that underlying annoyance/aggrssion sort of leaking through your smile....ugh I HATE it. why the hell can't people be honest? like when they're mad at you...to tell you and try and resolve it....how fucking childish is it to think that walking out of the room in the middle of an argument is going to help....then i literally have to bury the anger inside of me, and it ALWAYS comes out later. Mayb thats why I'm angry? Maybe thats why I feel depressed? YOu are bth so childish but you can't see it. Do you not see how unfair it is of you to always take dads or my sisters side, even when you werent inthe room while the row was going on? And then when YOU fight with him I try and comfort you or whatever and you bitch about him to me....you confirm that I'm right about a lot of things...that you just try and agree with him to keep him quiet....'oh i just don't want to fight with him' Then when you've made up, its like 'oh couse i didnt say that, you're only trying to split us up due to some weird underlying issue' FUCK FUCK FUCK how dare you.
    YOu say you cannot wait till the day I leave....'i'm leaving in two months' 'thank GOD for that then!' yeah....i've said it to you before....this is it....when i leave that is it...you've burned your bridges the two of you....of course when i said it, you patronising twat 'oh darling don't be silly' you laughed. Well don't laugh cause i'm serious.
    fuck sake....fuck sake...you liar...you liar....i hope you're fucking happy washing his socks for the rest of your pathetic life, yeah just take your pills, swallow down your anger. THAT'LL WORK haha. Its so not funny. I hope you'll be happy...you've told me for years i'll never do anything...you've put on mock sincerity 'we're just worried about you' shut the hell up....you think that you have nothing to do with the way i turned out? you think i just came out like this? You've already driven your oldest child away...sure shes not honest either...but we all know why she never visits either....
    Oh my god i just hate myself so much. i just wish you'd grow a backbone sometimes. I'm really fucking sorry for existing.
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: You're working them out well in your head.

    I'm glad you exist.

    My family is a lot like that, bury the anger wait until a huge row when people are about to kill each other. I know what you mean.

    You're living in a mess, your parents have their own issues- which you don't need to internalise yourself.
  12. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Your situation reminds me a lot of mine while I was growing up. Even now, when I live away from home most of the time, spending a week or two with my parents brings up all the crap of my childhood. I still deal with rages that well up at the most inappropriate times—I’ve walked out of a class a few times now, and in general, I can’t stand any form of patronizing authority.

    My father tries to be funny, and sometimes he is, but other times what he jokes about hurts. My memories of him consist of him rocking in his chair, highlighting passages of whatever he’s reading, and generally ignoring my presence. We can argue quite fiercely about politics or religion, and we enjoy such debates (just runs in the family; reunions are…interesting). Once I try to bring up something serious or personal, however, he clams up and tries to change the subject. I used to be enraged over his insensitive comments, aloofness, and general callousness, but then I realized that he wasn’t acting like my father. He was acting like my brother: he drove me places and even gave me money, but he was sometimes cruel like a sibling. When I realized this, and began to think of his as a brother instead of as a father, my anger turned into irritation. I grew up with an older sister, so suddenly having an older brother wasn’t much different.

    It might help you as well to stop thinking of your father as a father and start thinking of him as a brother, cousin, or uncle. His comments will still hurt, of course, but they won’t sting as much. It takes a while to do, but it does help.

    Your mother reminds me of mine as well. In her case, she’s a caring woman, but she simply can’t care about more than one person at a time. Whoever this person happens to be, she virtually becomes him/her, acquiring the same opinions and concerns. She’ll still care about other family members, of course, but she prioritizes the needs of the “chosen one” over the others. At times, I’ve been the most important person in her life, and I’m ashamed to say that I enjoyed having someone so readily agree with me and go out of her way to help me. Most of the time, however, I’m not in this position, and while she is still loving and helpful, we tend to argue much more about the stupidest things, and I know not to expect her to go far out of her way for me.

    I don’t know if your mother is like this at all, and I definitely don’t want to insult you, but I was wondering if she agrees so often with your father because he’s become the important person in her life. She still cares for you, but since you’re an adult now, she’s turned to the obsession she had before she had children. It hurts to find yourself in such a relationship, but I can't blame my mother too much. She recently revealed that she was sexually abused for many years, and I can't help but think that her behavior is linked to this.

    I want to ask if you know why your mother is in the bedroom so often. When I was growing up, my mother used to spend hours alone in the dark because of migraine headaches. As I grew older--and she finally got meds for the headaches--I'd walk in to find her working, paying bills or watching TV. Nowadays, I find her surfing the internet. No matter what she's doing, she seems oblivious to or annoyed with my presence.

    I was wondering, too, if your father uses you as a scapegoat because you look or act similar to him? His own self-hate and self-disgust may be leading him to lash out at you.

    I hope things get better. :hug: Moving out helped me see my parents much more clearly, and it eased the old tensions exponentially. It may not be a valid option for you for a while, but it's something to consider.

    And I agree with ggg4567: internalizing the anger will cause you much harm in the end. I do believe that often, "Depression is anger turned inward."
  13. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hi, thank you so much Melmoth for your reply.

    Yep, your father does sound like mine.
    'I used to be enraged over his insensitive comments, aloofness, and general callousness' - Yep definitely. He just can't understand it either.
    I'll try to take your advice about treating him like a brother. I understand what you mean, I've been tring to kind of detatch myself from him from a while, just kind of stay away, ignore him, not care when he says anything.

    That does kind of sound like my mother as well. I remember when I was younger she used to buy me things all the time (and not buy anyone else anything) and tell me how intelligent and special I was all the time. So I think the thing about 'the chosen one' might hold some truth. Well anyway, my dad is definitely in that position now. I don't really blame her that much either, I just kid of feel sorry for her most of the time. I was just really angry in that last post.

    She says she stays in her bedroom because she likes to read or listen to the radio. Also she doesn't seem to sleep hardly at all during the night so I think she catches up in the evening. I do think there's deeper reasons to it though because she nearly always locks the door.....? 'No matter what she's doing, she seems oblivious to or annoyed with my presence' if the door isn't locked and I go in to talk she might seem a bit irritated. I don't know...it's complicated.

    'I was wondering, too, if your father uses you as a scapegoat because you look or act similar to him? His own self-hate and self-disgust may be leading him to lash out at you.' I've though this too, because we are supposed to be very alike in looks and a lot of personality traits. He went through the same sort of depression and social anxiety issues as a teenager as me. Also when I was younger, if my mum had argued with my dad and he went out straight afterwards, she would take it out on me :blink:....like I was actually my dad. If thats what he's doing though I don't think it's a concious thing, like he actually realises, because he seems quite arrogant most of the time.

    Yeah, I'll be moving out in a few months so I hope things will get better.
    "Depression is anger turned inward." I am angrier then I thought I was. I've just been internalising everything lately, staying away and not talking....I don't know. Thanks very much for your reply. It's good to know someone can relate.

    Thanks lifeisashedog and ggg as well. It's been so good to talk about this :)