No matter what i do....i just....i feel too tired to type...meh....i just...can't...i dunno...it was good to feel upset in a way because i actuallyfeltsomething, i guess.i feel so tired,i haveto wait a month or more to see a psychatrist, i have no one to talk to until then. i live with my parents but i haven't told them about being depressed, about taking pills. i tried but i can't. i'd tell my mum, i love her, but if i did she'd have to tell dad too. and i fucking hate him. i don't want him to know. i don't want to have him tell me in a smug tone, 'well at least you can get sorted out now' andjust be patronising generally. i'm upsrt and he fucking LAUGHS at me most of the time. or he tells me to stop being horribleto my mother. he sentme to therapy expecting us to stop arguing, for our whole family to be fineand dandy, because, of course, I am the only reason ourfamilyis unhappy. he blames everything on me it makes me sick. i said how i was the scapegoat for our family once and he fucking slapped me around the head hahahaha yeah that struck a nerve obviously. he likes to stick to the comfort zone of 'the only reason shes angry is because shes angry at herself' i do hatemyself, tbh, it doesnt help my self asteem when i lie in bed and think of the timewhen you said you were worried that i'd end up in a mental hospital when i was older, when i was a young teenager. or how you've been telling meto leave since i was 15 years old. or how you said that my mum spends every second of her free time locked in her bedroom because she wants to get away from me. that last comment, aboutmum, you KNEW how much that hurt me. i cried for hours when you said that. i called mum up andshe was desperately worried i'd kill myself. but you said it again. 'she only hatesme cause she hates herself.' i can't change you thinking that but its wrong. itswrong. its wrong. you arrogant bastard.