1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

There's no point in my posting...

Discussion in 'I Need Empathy and Compassion (No advice wanted)' started by SongIsOver, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I know that. I don't know why I am doing it, anyway.

    My situation is something that most can't relate to, and far too complicated to explain. The "advice" out there, doesn't apply to me or my situation. Hearing cliches or "inspirational" or "motivational" messages only makes me more upset.

    I'm aware that there's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better. The only thing that can make me feel better is if I can figure out and make some sort of miracle happen regarding my ability to sustain myself. The typical solution(s) do not apply and are in fact extremely harmful to me.

    What I feel is a pretty normal reaction to having been repeatedly and continually treated in the way I am, no matter what I do, or what I try, over many many decades of trying, and at the cost it's been to me.

    I'm getting older and I'm tired and done with the struggle, I just want to be able to be, and that's not possible, and the prospects are not tolerable to me.

    I'm struggling very badly and have been for quite some time. It's not a temporary state or situation. I'm just done. Yet a person is not "allowed" to exist that way. Because you "have to" do certain things in order to survive - things that I cannot tolerate anymore. I just can't. I just can't.
  2. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    And you're supposed to "reach out," but there's nothing anyone can do anyway. And all you do is annoy people if you even allude to how deeply bad your despair is, and they can't help anyway, so you can't...
  3. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Hi @SongIsOver

    I enjoyed reading your post.. Well I don’t know if enjoyed is the right word but I liked it. So there’s a point to it.

    I hope that you get a miracle and are able to just exist {{hugs}}
    Winter Blues likes this.
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there. Sorry you're feeling so bad & "done". Hang in there.
  5. Gingerdread

    Gingerdread Member

    I completely understand what you mean. I'm sure our stories are different but the feeling is the same. It's so hard. I hope you find a way through.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I hope you get your miracle. Your wish. Your whatever it is you so badly need. Best of luck.
    Ananda likes this.
  7. Ananda

    Ananda Active Member

    I hope your miracle happens
  8. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Everything I say or do is wrong. (or don't do, or don't say.) I mean literally.

    I can't do anything right... and it leads to just more and more pain.

    I've been wrong for everything, always. all my life.

    I'm just wrong. And evidently I'm too stupid to know ... the basics to keep it from becoming worse and worse...

    (and I'm not saying this so that other people will come in and say, "Oh, but you're not wrong - not everything you do is wrong," etc. <-- but that's the wrong thing for me to say, too. Anticipating what others might say, and already knowing that I really don't want to hear that, and then saying that- means I shouldn't even have said anything at all, because having posted it will just initiate people into saying things that I don't want to hear, so see? Even my saying all this is wrong, too. And so I'm not supposed to say that I don't want to hear "but you're wrong about being wrong," and I "should" just leave it alone, and pretend it doesn't bug me if people say that, and thank them for saying it... because they took the time to read and respond... that's what I'm "supposed" to do So - because I said that, nobody's going to want to respond at all because it will seem like no matter what they say, I won't like it, I'm "too prickly" or whatever, so I'd just get radio silence - which is okay I guess, it's people's prerogative, but silence hurts but then I honestly don't want my perspective negated. So, see? I shouldn't have posted at all. But it hurts like I want to explode, and I'm so un-understandable and alone.)

    I'm honestly not a jerk. And I'm not "overthinking" - and I truly despise that term, as if there's some degree of "thinking" that is perfect, and people who are naturally more analytical, or who perceive more to situations than others, are automatically "wrong" and the way their very brains operate is wrong. Nothing wrong with my thinking. It's just another version of normal, but it's things that in society we're not "supposed to" think about or say, and I'm so tired of playing games, but also it's so incredibly painful to be so negatively judged and bad and wrong and horrible, and everything you say and do is wrong. So then forced to think and re-think everything because of what the reactions or perceptions might be .... is exhausting and suppressing and nobody wants to be that way, but if I don't, I'm wrong, just because my perspectives are different, or I see things that I'm not supposed to talk about, even though my intellect cries out to point out the logical holes or the skew or... or ... I don't know... maybe I am a horrific jerk and just don't know it.

    (And no, I'm nowhere on the autism spectrum.)

    If you followed all that, kudos to you... I know I'm "difficult." I use too many words. Say the wrong things. Don't say them clearly enough. blahblahblah wrong.
    Inanimate and Freyja like this.
  9. Kalicka

    Kalicka SF Supporter

    I understand what you're saying here. Or at least I think I do. I'm not you so I won't presume to get the whole picture. It can be incredibly frustrating when people automatically argue with the thoughts you have about yourself. They are often well meaning, but it can feel invalidating and for me cause anger.

    I don't know your particular situation. I'm not about to offer your some cliché advice. I'm willing to listen if you want to talk about it.
    Winter Blues likes this.
  10. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Thank you - I think you do understand. I've been subjected to tons of nonsensical attacks on my perspectives by various "authority figures," and also sometimes it seems like the only way people feel they help is by telling you that your perspectives are wrong and that everything that's gone on in your life is due to flaws in your thinking or in your perspective. When - it's not, necessarily.

    It's good to see if someone feels the same way - yes, invalidating and upsetting. Most of the time, I feel like my perspectives are so "backwards" from what you're "supposed to" feel that I feel like I'm just inviting more trouble to even express myself. (and often, that's proven to be true.)
    Freyja likes this.
  11. HumanExMachina

    HumanExMachina Pizza Spaceman Forum Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    What things about your life in your opinion would need to be different in order for you to feel better?
  12. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, if I answer that question, it would invite a whole conversation of suggestions I've already thought of and about for years and years of desperation, and still don't have the solution, as they're all either irrelevant or requiring of something "magical" I don't have or can't do. And then I'd make people angry that I discard all the suggestions, or get frustrated that people assume I haven't already thought of those ideas...

    Also, it'd initiate a lot of frustration in me that I cannot fully and understandably describe all the facets, aspects, ins and outs of every part of it all.

    So I'm better off not even talking about it.
  13. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Nobody understands how severe this is for me... nobody understands that I cannot do what you're "supposed to" do, what I'll "have to" do - I cannot, I can't, I can't do it anymore, I can't.
    And without another miraculous option, then there's no point in anything...

    Nobody understands how very bad it is - nobody, even if I try to explain, even if they know the stories and the situations, they cannot comprehend the comprehensiveness of it or the severity of how bad it is for me, how completely not-doable it is for me... even if I were able to pull my sh together and fake it successfully enough.... they'd think I was okay even when I while I was screaming and shrieking inside... nobody would really truly understand - they can't - because this kind of thing just doesn't happen to people and they can't relate, and when you add it together will all the other related facets and aspects that also make it not an option, despite being probably the only option... nobody "gets it." It's not their fault, they just don't have the same experiences or perspectives and are so embedded into the framework as being "it is what it is" - that they can't see that it's just not okay for some people, and it's not an option, even if / when I'm forced into doing and becoming and wasting all my self with something that's utterly horrifying to me anymore. Just to "survive." I can't, I can't I can't I can't, and there's nobody who understands the severity, the intensity, the validity, the realness of this desperation.
  14. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Dear Song … I have read your posts and feel your sadness. I will not pretend to understand your struggles because, as you say, all our struggles are personal and folk only get to read or hear as much or as little as we put on SF and to help in anyway they have to second guess the rest. But what I DO know is that folk on here don't second guess lightly - they truly are there for you / us. I have been a complete mad cow many times on here - simply by the frustration of not being able to cope - but never, ever have I been left alone. There is always someone here trying to help or just to stand beside you quietly if that is all they can do. Your sentence …. "I'm getting older and I'm tired and done with the struggle, I just want to be able to be, and that's not possible, and the prospects are not tolerable to me...." resonates with me hugely. The tiredness and the complete overwhelming of years of struggle is huge and that I think I can at least in part relate to. I don't have any great advice - I am not intelligent enough to offer that - but I truly do feel that feeling and want to send you a hug. It's friggin hard .. harder when you can't perhaps put into words the real truth of your pain - like me. Please take care, stay safe and know that folk genuinely are here for you - even if they are unsure what to say. xxxx
  15. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Thank you...

    I guess another pointlessness of my even saying anything is that, no matter what, words can't fix it. Because this isn't an issue that exists only within my mind or my perspective, it's something very real and concrete, that requires very real, concrete answers, and I know that all the thoughts in the world can't really do anything. So of course then it's even more stupid that I bother even saying a thing, because of course "the answer lies in me" and nobody else can do a thing to help, it's allllllll me.... and I can't...

    I don't have the answer, I don't have the solution, and I have a feeling that - even if I did - I can't even care enough to lift a finger anymore.
    I have nothing inside but broken and pain and intolerance that isn't going to "heal" or "get past" because it's from continual and worsening situations.
    It's not "stupid" that I wouldn't want to put myself into them anymore. But it's so atypical that no one understands at all, and because it's so extreme it's like well, I must be the problem... maybe I am the problem. I'm the everything. I'm the problem, and I don't have the solution. I'm just not good enough or smart enough or brave-and-strong-despite-being-squashed-by-decades-of-increasing-badness... I'm just not okay, but it's not an inappropriate condition in response to it all.... I just can't generate the solution.... and I can't deal with not having one...
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  16. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Just wanted to chime in that I'm reading. Take care of yourself.
  17. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I cannot bring myself to do things that are necessary - but intolerable to me - in order to sustain myself.

    It "makes sense" that I can't do them, but it's going to create severe real problems.

    Rock hard place no answer
  18. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I won’t pretend to understand your situation. Mostly because you’ve been very vague about it. But there are bits of what you’ve said here that I can really relate to.

    I’ve definitely gotten this response when trying to be open about what’s going on with me. And, okay, I’m not infallible. I accept that my perspective could be a little “off” on some issues without me realizing it. But not all of it, not by a long shot.

    I mean, if somebody says to me “I think you’re mistaken about this particular idea or belief you have” and then actually tries to engage with me on the subject, I can work with that. And maybe I’ll even come around to their point of view eventually. And even if I don’t, I at least feel like I’ve been heard and taken seriously.

    But too often, most of the time really, it’s more like what you describe. Just a blanket statement that my perception is distorted, by mental illness or whatever. Which I’ve come to realize really means “I don’t want you to come to me with your problems, but I’m afraid that saying that will make me look bad.” Which would be fine, I could live with that, except I’m not really the type to just spontaneously start talking about what’s in my head, so it always comes after being told repeatedly that I can and should go to that person if I’m having trouble or need to talk.

    And this, god, so much of this. In my case, the necessary thing is going outside and interacting with people. I mean, I like coming to this place. It makes me feel a little less hopeless, and a little less alone. But I’m not going to get better here; for that I need go out my front door and actually talk to people. But yeah, intolerable is definitely the right word for that. Give me a choice between that and, say, putting my hand on my stove and cranking the heat to high and I’ll take the stove every time.

    Anyway, sorry. Don’t mean to make your stuff about me. Just wanted to say that I can relate to some of it.
  19. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    No apologies needed - sharing experiences is part of relating. I appreciate that.
  20. sinking_ship

    sinking_ship Well-Known Member

    I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but I understand the frustration when others try to argue with what you see as facts about yourself. I don’t know you, I don’t know for sure that you’re not doing things wrong or whatever. I just know that in my case, when someone takes the time to reason through it with me, to point at solid examples, usually I can at least accept that maybe I’m not completely right in how awful I feel about myself. Of course knowing something logically and believing it are two different things. The brain is pretty damn insistent. But for this reason I think there’s probably more out there for you that you’re not seeing. I hope you can find your way to that.