• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

There's no point to anything

idkmannn

Public Access
#1
When I was 12 I made a promise that I will hold on for 4 more years. At 16, when I can drive, then I can decide. Is life worth it? As my 16 birthday approaches (7 months away), I find that I really want to die. Even though I would've chosen differently a year ago. I realize that I do so much to hold on to something: Drawing, Violin, Piano, Chemistry, Psychology, Ballet, Epidemiology, Science Olympiad, German, Gaming, etc. (many, many more). I do it to maybe hold on to something, something that would give me a reason to live. Hell, I'm writing this answer hoping it'll give me hope. I've become quite proficient in the above mentioned as some are studied at a college level, and make straight A's. I plan on taking 14/15 APs. I can handle it, that's not wearing me out. I've made it to state with my Science Olympiad team as a Freshman before it got canceled due to COVID. If I stay, I know that I'll be admitted into the top universities, but, is it even worth it? What's the point of doing so, if I only do it to hold on to something? What's the point if I only do it to eventually get as far away from my family, who are horrible, instead of my own well-being? I'm labeled as the mean one in the family and the one that could always be blamed. I've always been my mom's vent toy that she could vent and yell and blame everything on me. Then, go hide in her room, forcing me, since young, to take control. To be the mom. (To be fair, it has given me great leadership skills). I've always been the one to pick up on my mom's mistakes, if she ever forgot to do something, I'll do it. No, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, I'm expected to drop everything and do it. I'm tired of being made a fool, and I'm tired of my parents expecting that I'll be ok with my grandma, who is a delusional bastard, who never called, visited, or showed up on my birthday in the whole 15 years of my life (living only 45 minutes away) to suddenly be best buds with her since she's living with us. I'm tired of my uncle, who asked me to have sex with him (I was wearing a sports bra, a/b cup, leggings, and a loose dress. I was also 11). He got away with it, along with a few other spicy accusations with only a slap on the wrist. I'm tired of my other uncle, stealing my mom's time, that schizophrenic idiot partying and doing drugs his whole life, mooching off my grandma, and making my mom so stressed when I was younger, causing her to lash out at me. I'm tired of always being the result of things that cannot be controlled by me. I'm tired of just looking blindly without a purpose, or the only purpose is getting away from this hell. I'm tired of my mom accusing me of being a narcissist, just because I've started saying no to cleaning up her mess and her lack of preparation. I've been trying to get better, I promise. I've been working on myself. But, the moment I do I am now selfish and a narcissist. I honestly don't care what you guys comment, whether it be negative or positive. I don't care, I just want to die, there is no point in feeling emotion. If you don't care, don't care, if you do, great! I'm just a random person on the internet. There's no point in any action that is done as it'll only lead to a less desirable outcome. There is no point in living if the output that I do doesn't do anything relevant to this society, and you aren't helping anyone with anything. This is why I want to die. There is no point.

P.S.
I apologize for the name-calling, as that's quite immature of me to do. I do hope nobody took offense!
 
Last edited:

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#2
What's the point of doing so, if I only do it to hold on to something? What's the point if I only do it to eventually get as far away from my family, who are horrible, instead of my own well-being?
It sounds like getting away from them and your well-being are one and the same.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hi, welcome to SF. We do care here, and we're here to listen.

So you made a deal with yourself to wait 4 years, but it sounds like your life can really begin and change once you can leave home and live for yourself. You have a promising future ahead of you. You can get into university and live on your own, and learn what it's like to surround yourself with a chosen family, who will treat you with love and respect. So why not give yourself 4 more, and see what happens? And in the mean time, you can talk to us here, and maybe you can find someone to trust in your life to talk to as well. If not a family member, then maybe a teacher or counselor at your school. You deserve to have a chance at that future. *hug
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
Hi and welcome to SF.
There are a few things that stick out to me about your post. You said you agreed that you'd stick it out until you're 16, right? And you're pretty close to that now so what's 7 more months? You said that last year this time you thought you were going to be okay so a lot can change in a year.
I do get that sometimes home life is a toxic piece of crap. Maybe that's truly the case for you and you want to move out the moment you're able to. Best way to do that is to do your best in school and leave for uni. You said you've got high marks and are capable of finishing. THIS is the best way out of your life, not killing yourself. It might not be the fastest but the sheer numbers of people who are intensely suicidal at your age and "make it" and are okay are stunning. (I was one of them)
You are clearly a smart girl. It sounds mean but a lot of people who are lower IQ aren't suicidal because they're not sitting there thinking about all the things that smarter people are. This website is full of some really great minds. People who feel crap? Absolutely. But smart ones. You have the ability to make it past this rough patch in your life and come out ahead on the other side. I would implore you to try to make it on to university, away from your family and start seeing how the rest of the world feels to you and how making your own decisions are. It's a world of difference and I imagine, objectively, you could see that as nearly everything you cite here is related to your family and the upset they're causing you. Getting away would let you see more clearly if you're unhappy because of them or deep inside you.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$310.00
Goal
$255.00
Top