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There's no room in the world for shy people

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Virginia, Dec 16, 2010.

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  1. Virginia

    Virginia Member

    I am 38 years old and my entire life has been dealing with bouts of depression, holding back the urge to end it, wiping the tears, etc. I'm exhausted. I can't open up very easily to people because of fear of rejection, which has happened repeatedly. I'm not a big gossiper or shit shooter so I just don't fit in. These last few years have been unbearable but I was determined to hold out until my son was 18 and capable of taking care of himself. Yes, that makes me sound selfish to leave him but I have raised him well. Always encouraging him to interact with people and making sure he had every opportunity to be involved at school. I feel at peace knowing he can be live a life of acceptance from his peers. They love him, and I feel he would have a lot of support. I know this would hurt him, but I honestly feel I hurt him more by being so down. I am constantly finding myself counting the reasons to go on. I don't have many left. I really don't know where to turn or what to do anymore, just constantly thinking about death.
  2. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member


    I don't mean to further your guilty feelings about leaving your son alone in this world, but let me offer you a piece of advice from someone not too much older than he..

    At 18, I thought I was a man, and I went off and got married to the girl I thought was my soul-mate. Oh, boy. What a mistake that was - the next 3 years of my life were the most unproductive yet.

    18 is the age at which the government decides we are men or women, legally adults, and can send us to prison, to war, let us buy smokes and play the lotto. But we are, in fact, still children, and even more-so in need of our parents guidance. Yes, life is all about making mistakes, but if nobody is there to help you along the road, it can be more bumpy than it has to be. He's not ready to live a life without his mother. Who will he share his failures and successes with? Nobody, I'm sure, quite as important as you are.

    I'll be 24 in a few days, and it's just recently I feel that I've been able to call myself a man, and felt as though I could support the weight of the world on my shoulders, if necessary (and quite obviously, since I am in fact on these forums, I'm not even doing that great of a job coping on my own.).

    I won't claim to know your pain; to each their own. But look in your sons eyes, and ask yourself if it's really time to go. Don't you want to see him marry, see your grandchildren? Find the positive things, even if you can only see them through your son for now. Life, well life will do the rest, I hope.

  3. Virginia

    Virginia Member

    Yes, I understand everything you're saying in regard to my son being hurt and him needing me throughout his life. I was 18 once, married at 19, divorced and raising my baby boy at 21. Basically a child with a child. Many times, I turned to my own mother for advice.

    Nobody wants to end it deep down, and I feel that I truly don't want that but.... I just feel like my life consists of working, eating, breathing, and sleeping. Rinse, repeat... day in day out. I feel numb most of the time, like I cease to exsist, therefore the question of 'why am I here.' My answer is always my son. I do want to see him reach his dreams, see him wed, meet my grandbabies but at the same time I wonder how I can keep going feeling like a vegetable and how this affects him. I wish I had and desperately need more interaction with people, friends..... you know. My social life is non exsistant and to get a bump and an occasional 'excuse me' from a passer by reminds me that I am at least visible, just not worth getting to know.

    Jon, I do appreciate you taking time to repond to me. I actually feel like I exsist, even if it is for a minute and through a computer screen.
  4. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    I'm happy I made you feel good. I'm off to work for a few hours, but when I come back, I will properly reply to your reply. :)

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur not invisible not here I hear and feel your loneliness i too felt invisible still do some days. You have your son and he will always need you even when he is a father he will need you for guidance for acceptance etc. You need to somehow reach out okay here is a great start. You need to join a group of some sort anything a sport and class you would be interested in art anything that will get you amongst people It will be hard at first but it gets easier.
    Have you thought abt therapy for social anxiety it works it brings you out of the shell a bit. Hold on to you son okay he is you life line but time to do something good for you now too okay. nice meeting you hope you continue to post Virginia
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Virginia and welcome to the forum.
    I'm glad that you recognise that deep down you don't want to take this step. That's really good. The other really good thing that you recognise is that you don't feel as though you have any quality of life and I think that this is the priority that you need to work on first.
    You're clearly very lonely and worried about interacting with other people even though you need that interaction
    You're aware that you have a fear of rejection because you have been rejected in the past.
    Now you need to conquer that fear of rejection and to do that, you're going to have to learn a lot of coping strategies. We can help you to do that.
    I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be able to do it. You were able to establish a relationship when you were a teenager and if you've done it once, you can do it again. Its something you should talk about in greater depth if you feel comfortable doing that.
    I also get the impression that you're physically and mentally exhausted. That isn't surprising if you've been raising a child on your own for the past 18 years. Especially since you've clearly done a very good job of raising that child.
    So now you're going to have to think about 'me time'. In fact, for the first time in 18 years, you're able to consider yourself for a moment. That's probably quite a scary thought because you've not had that luxury in a long time.
    Also you've been battling mental health problems for quite a long time too and that's exhausting. Sometimes we run on empty for years before it catches up with us, especially when there are children to consider
    Are you on any meds? Have you spoken to a doctor or had any kind of therapy?
    You've got an uphill battle ahead of you but you're more than up to doing it. You just need some support from people who share your experiences to help you. (That would be us!)
    Please feel free to pm me at anytime
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Virginia!

    I think that you would probably be happier if you found some community, which is something that I think you can do.

    You can find some community right here!

    A therapist might also be able to help.

    Could you volunteer, or join a group for a hobby that you have?
  8. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member


    I feel you, I really do. I don't have much of a social life myself anymore. It's work, work, work. Although, it is mostly by choice - I'm easily friendly.

    One thing I've learned in my short time here on this earth is that no matter what, I should live every day with my heart on my sleeve. Put forth 110% of myself, even if I'm going to get hurt. Remember, if you hurt, it's because you're alive to feel it, sweetheart.

    Making new friends is hard, especially once you're.. 'established' in your life. Break out of your mold a little bit - maybe ask one of your son's mothers to come out for a few drinks with you. Get your buzz on, not toilet-bowl-worshiping-smashed and meet some folks. It's gonna take a set of balls and some effort on your part, but I know you can do it. You recognize that you're sad and want help. Expand your horizons! Do you have a dog? No? Get one, take him/her to the dog park. It's a great ice breaker. Even if you meet no one, a little companionship might help.

    Always remember you are, no matter what, the master of your own destiny. Life likes to kick us when we're down, but as a friend said to me recently, maybe it's just kicking us in a new direction; letting us know the current one isn't working.

    Make a change. Take a dance class, anything. You'll find a friend. And even if you don't, I'll be here to help make your day a little brighter if I can. Keep your chin up, and smile best you can.

    The sun sets every night so that it can rise again in the morning. Never forget that.


    Edit here:

    I just wanted to let you know there are very few things more noble than a mother and her sacrifices. You've produced a life, and if he's been able to keep you in the game this long, he must be a pretty damn good one. That, in and of itself, is worth something. It's hard to see when you're sad, but I just hope you know that. Be proud of yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2010
  9. Virginia

    Virginia Member

    Thank you all. The one thing I want most in my life right now is acceptance (really hard to find) and I do need communication/therapy of some kind, that is why I came here. I wish I could get involved with volunteer work but I have limited free time and the town I live in is pretty small. I am going this weekend though to adopt an angel from the angel tree. Thought that might bring me up a bit.

    I only have one hobby, if you call it that and that is going to the local gym three times a week. Not much interaction but still I get out. Other than that, I spend my time with my son, maintaining the house and household stuff like cleaning, etc.

    I have tried meds in the past, a few different kinds but I kept getting the side effect of diarrhea and I can't work from a toilet. <joke> Seriously though, they don't agree with me thats why I turned to exercise. I am still new to this site but am exploring what is offered on it.
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Virginia and welcome to SF. First of all, it's good that you have decided to continue living all of these years in spite of suffering from depression. But when your son turns 18, he will still need you for guidance. He will still need advice so that he can make good decisions. Please don't give up yet. Depression can be beaten, but it takes a lot of hard work. Don't give up. :hug:
  11. Virginia

    Virginia Member


    Toilet bowl worshiping? :laugh: Good one, thanks.

    I have worn my heart on my sleeve and had my feelings hurt, over and over. I keep telling myself that some people just aren't nice and to let it roll off and leave it at that but the older I get the harder it hurts. I want so bad to be able to be myself around people but fear has such a hold on me. I've conditioned myself to think 'if you just be quiet, and don't try, you save yourself from the hurt and rejection', however, the isolation I've set myself up for is killing me. Ironic huh. I know I need to try but it is going to be baby steps. It's like reaching out to pet a dog that your scared of, you keep pulling back for fear of the attack.

    And yes, my son is my rock. I do feel blessed to have him in my life. He has been my lifesaver many times. I honestly don't know that I would have made it this far in life without him. But I need to get 'my' life together before he leaves the nest.
  12. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    Set a small goal for yourself: Speak with a stranger when you adopt your angel. Woman, man - doesn't matter. Strike up a conversation, use the angels as your topic, and see where it goes.

    Then treat yourself - ice cream, take-out from you and your son's favorite joint, whatever. Go home, eat and smile. It was a good day, and you took a step in the direction to change your life.
  13. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    I'm good with words and imagery. Plus, being 24, I have lots of recent memories of toilet bowl worshiping.

    You're correct, not all people are nice. But a lot of them are. Sadly, in order to find them, you might have to get bit once or twice again. Treat yourself like an onion, and only reveal a layer at a time. A safety blanket, if you will, to ensure your emotional safety.

    You've reached out to me, and the rest of this community here. Yes, we're faceless, but we're people. I could just as quickly tell you to fuck off, could I not? You took the chance of getting bitten by revealing your situation.

    I get a hurt a lot, too. It brings me down, and even as a man, I cry when I'm alone sometimes. Yup, I admit it. But if I look back, I wouldn't have half of what I had if I hadn't. It's the trade-off, the sacrifice, that we just have to deal with. Again: think like an onion. Layers, my dear! You'll be just fine, have some faith.

    I hope I'm making you smile, that too is a step in the right direction.

    Go hug your son. I bet he makes a nasty little face at you, like I did to my mom. Remember what it means: I love you too, ma. ;)
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I agree with the idea of getting a dog. Not only can a friendly, barky little dog cheer you up on its own, but if you walk it around it makes it easier to meet people.

    you could try some other meds, maybe there are some that won't give you diarrhea . you could also try ect.

    there are some good alternative therapies too.

    I've heard that if you do a 1/2 hour of gentle aerobic exercise (just enough to break a light sweat) everyday (or at least 5 days a week) that it is an effective treatment for depression.

    I think there was a study that found that this was as effective as taking zoloft. I'm not sure.

    So if you are already working out, just adding in a couple more days might help.

    what is the adopting an angel about?
  15. Virginia

    Virginia Member

    The angel tree is set up at a local department store. It is for children from needy families. You pick out an angel from the tree with the childs sex and age and a list of what they want for Christmas. You go buy the gifts and turn them in so they can be delivered to them. It makes me feel good to think I can make a difference. Gives me a good feeling. :) And I thought about getting me a lap dog but I just hated the thought of having to leave it couped up all day while I was at work. The winters here are pretty harsh sometimes.
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you are a great angel!!! congrats on making a difference for a child in need. that's really great.
  17. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    I can really relate to where you're coming from. I've had painful bouts of shyness my entire life and often find myself alone and more to the point, lonely. There is a distinction between alone and lonely, by the way.

    What I wanted to point out though, is this. We come in contact with many people in our daily routines. And everyone we come in contact with has their own agenda, own schedule, own set of problems. In other words, so many people are so wrapped up in themselves, they hardly notice folks outside of their immediate social circle. Please don't take that as a rejection. Yes, there are some arrogant meatheads out there. But, there are more kind, caring people. Just remember, as you make your way out into the world for your daily routine, the people you encounter are all struggling with their own issues, lives, agendas, whatever the case may be. And maybe, just maybe, a quiet, shy, and yet kind, caring, genuine person such as yourself giving them a smile, or a quick hello will just brighten up their day. You just never know.
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