I am 38 years old and my entire life has been dealing with bouts of depression, holding back the urge to end it, wiping the tears, etc. I'm exhausted. I can't open up very easily to people because of fear of rejection, which has happened repeatedly. I'm not a big gossiper or shit shooter so I just don't fit in. These last few years have been unbearable but I was determined to hold out until my son was 18 and capable of taking care of himself. Yes, that makes me sound selfish to leave him but I have raised him well. Always encouraging him to interact with people and making sure he had every opportunity to be involved at school. I feel at peace knowing he can be live a life of acceptance from his peers. They love him, and I feel he would have a lot of support. I know this would hurt him, but I honestly feel I hurt him more by being so down. I am constantly finding myself counting the reasons to go on. I don't have many left. I really don't know where to turn or what to do anymore, just constantly thinking about death.