There's no such thing as a peaceful death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lisani, Apr 15, 2012.

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  1. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    There's not. And there's no such thing as a good time to die either.

    I've been struggling with a host of crippling issues for over a decade. I've been hospitalized over seven times (that's where I lose count), have attempted suicide 4 or 5 times (hazy memory from that period), and then I went into 'recovery' for a whole two years! The thing is, I was just as miserable during 'recovery' as I was careening out of control, I was just doing better at conforming to societal norms. Well, about three months ago I started losing my ability to 'act normal' any longer; about a month ago, I started to slip; about two weeks ago, I lost all footing. Here I am again. And the thing is, the singular, wholly undeniable truth that I can aver is that, no matter what, I will always return to my mess like a dog to its vomit. I've had more therapy than I can stand, more treatments, experimental methods, drugs, and holistic approaches than I can name - for some of us, the way we are is a biological predisposition; an innate inability to function; an essential failure to thrive. Natural selection is screaming like an umpire ove the bag: OUT! Well, I hear you, sir, and I concur.

    I don't even make sense anymore. I'm not gonna tick off my list of 'symptoms,' for me, they're sufficiently horrible to warrant my swan song. Yes, I know this final gesture will be the most selfish of my life, I've lived in its pseudo-wake and apologized unendingly to those who've already suffered from my destructiveness. But rhetorical question, this: What is worse? To perpetuate the frenetic cycle of destruction and hope, with the return to destruction always an inevitable conclusion, or, to rip the bandaid off in one swift flick, inflicting sharper pain over a shorter period of time? Don't answer that. I'm comfortable with my half-baked ideas.

    Anyway, I did try to reach out for 'help' again - but trust me, I've exhausted my resources, and, what's more, by reaching out, I realized, I don't want to reach out for help anymore. I don't want to keep living my death, I'll take it straight up, thank you. I was asked if I had a plan, and I answered candidly, smiling, "Don't you mean, which one?" Then I placated her by saying that, with my history, I don't need a plan, but I'm not holding any proverbial guns right now, so don't worry... Yeah, that's tidy. I can get what I need at a moment's notice. Maybe tonight is my moment. Oh, please.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You are right, there is no such thing as a peaceful death... BUT, there is such a thing as a peaceful life. Sometimes it takes a long time to find it, or it requires a lot more effort than one would think, but it can exist... while in the alternative, it cannot. When feeling down, it's sometimes important to look around and consider the plight of others. Consider the cripples, the people with blindness or who are deaf, the paraplegics, the people suffering from Parkenson's (my dad died from that), or other diseases... some of which are physically painful while others are just downright difficult to fit in with. These people have to work twice as hard to build a life worth living. They can be an inspiration. I often think that if someone with such overwhelming challenges can find a way to make peace and happiness/success within their lives, so can everybody. It's something to consider at least.
  3. dusk

    dusk Active Member

    I get where youre coming from. Ive been hospitalized 8 times and have had all the treatments, procedures. Im sick of being treated for this. I hope you and I can find our way to happiness.
  4. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

  5. dusk

    dusk Active Member

    This book is wonderful. Definitely worth reading.
  6. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    But pickwithaustin what would you tell the people who are suicidal because of their painful diseases and ither crippling disabilities that impact their life? Do they really want to be used as the comparison every time someone 'better off' feels depressed? What do you compare those people with? How do you make people with serious problems feel better? Who do you try to compare them to and then what about that person and the next and the next....

    Just makes me think if u have major problems and ur not an 'inspiration' and dont just learn to cope on ur own merits but are instead suicidal then ur number is pretty much up.

    Makes me realise there is only one ending for me.

    Lisani I really hope this is one of the deepest dips u experience with bipolar and u will go back up a little (i know u may not be 'happy') and u manage keep on going as you have already travelled so far and proven your strength and courage. I hope u can get to tomorrow and see the light a little more clearly than today. I would also like to add to the. above EFT or 'emotional freedom technique'. Highly recommend this to anyone with depression no matter what your problems are. Very good tool.
  7. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    I went for help today. Just to talk to someone and get things off my chest... then I talked him out of sending me to the hospital. I'm a very good liar. At the same time, I'm sitting in the kitchen of my house because it is harder to do something I'll regret here. I also didn't buy my 'supplies,' but I'm playing russian roulette with my body, and I just don't give a f*ck. I promised to hold out until Wednesday; I lied about the extent of my plan and the severity of my ideation as soon as the h-word was dropped. I'm not going back there, even if I should. I can't. Then the house of cards would topple completely.

    I want to go to sleep, and have my heart finally give out... god knows it should. I can always jump, but, such a mess...
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You are missing the entire point and looking at what I said too shallow. The point is that regardless what we each perceive as being horrible for us, there is always someone who has things worse or who suffers more. Now that said, I have to say that unless I am missing something, I have not seen too many (or any) people with a painful disease or a crippling disability posting on here. That is not to say that depression and mental illness is not painful or crippling; we know that it is.

    My father died two months ago from Parkinson's Disease. For me, his disease makes a good example of what struggles people can have. Believe me, what he went through was HORRIBLE. "Back to the Future" star Michael J. Fox has this same disease. Have you seen him in any interviews? He manages to keep it together somewhat, but he also has access to a lot of medications that many people do not (or cannot afford). Mr. Fox knows that nothing he can do in his lifetime will save his life or cure him, and yet he has devoted lots of his remaining time and life to advocating for research and a potential to cure Parkinson's. He sets a wonderful example of strength against all odds. My favorite related saying in regard to this is, "Endeavor to Persevere." Think about it.

    I hope you can find a route to wellness.
  9. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    Bought the stuff. Have an airtight plan, however, I've realized I may have an alternative way to make it look like an accident, but it's less of a sure thing. The only reason I'd pick the 'accident' is to spare others a little of the pain. Otherwise, I'm a lot more comfortable with the sure thing.
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