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there's nobody

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorganaNever, Dec 24, 2011.

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  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    He got mad today, he was putting me down all day and then he did just enough so its not "physical abuse and"I'm a psycho making scene when I finally ran ouwith no shoes but enough that I can't move and hardly breathe for hours and I was sure he will murder me and he was saying "tell me the truth" and going on about all the things he thinks I did and how I have to confess and how I'm a liar and a cheater. I knew I'd give everything to get out if I come back I should die
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun call a abuse center okay go there be safe hun please go to a women shelter please call them Now it the time to get away from his emotional abuse Now is time to leave okay and don't look back The abuse center will keep you safe hun
  3. spailpin

    spailpin Active Member

    I second that idea. .abuse is not about you and what you did or didnt do. . . it's abuse. . .get out. . go to a safe place. . . *hugs*
  4. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    His mom picked me up. She is good , but they are all deluded. I went to her apartment, she is out now having dinner so Im alone. I want to explain to her I cant deal with this alone, I cant deal with this shit, I need help, quick. I need to go back, but I need a plan. He is so manipulative he just trivializes everything that happened and tries to guilt trip me with same old shit. I dont want to care. He may not be a bad person but Ill never fight this things in his head. I really need to talk to someone, I have two hours or so where no one is in this apartment, please if anyone can give any advice now I really have to get some clarity

    ---------- Post added at 04:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:59 AM ----------

    My first message was misleading. He didn't hurt me, but for a long time he was holding me down and putting his hand over my mouth and nose. Not really that I would suffocate, but it gets hard to catch a breath and in such panic it was pure hell. I was sure hell go so insane and kill me but I dont really know. It seems he just wanted me to "tell the truth". God I never want to see that face again.

    But I know, hell change so soon, hell guilt trip then try to be sweet then blame it on sth random, then... I just dont have enough strength or support here to go trough break up. Just the idea of spending time with him till I pack and can travel is insane and I know then it will never happen cause hell make me stay. Its not that Im insane or want this, it's that its such a manipulation and I can totally forget at times and buy into what that other person is telling me. I just dont know how to go trough with it alone

    ---------- Post added at 04:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:06 AM ----------

    I just need advice, I need quick advice

    ---------- Post added at 04:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:06 AM ----------

    jes going on texting me abot how alone he is how he has no one to talk to ... how terrible i was to him... his feelings and emotuions... why dont i want to talk.... he just wants to understand

    Its so manipulative but no one knows the whole context the whole 3 damn years the whole hell

    I cant take it anymore and Im bad, Im a jerk
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    morgananever -

    Please, get out. Its good you are somewhere else now, but please don't go back. Is there anyone else you can stay with thats not related to him? If not, seek out an abuse shelter asap and go there. They will help you with taking the right steps you need. I don't know where you are, as in what country. Do a google search for local abuse/safehouse centers, call them straight away while you are alone there.

    Here, if you need.
  6. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    Hi Morgana! I really miss talking to you.

    I personally wouldn't hang around. I'm not trying to tell you what to do though. I understand how you feel, and while your added description doesn't "sound" like physical abuse make no mistake that it is abuse. I understand you may feel conflicted, but staying in this situation wont help him or you. As a victim of abuse as a child (mental/emotional) and someone who has "learned" to abuse... I suggest you give yourself some room to breath and heal (emotionally/mentally/physically). My heart hurts for you... but while things are just "alright" no one will see what needs to change... Perhaps he will figure it out and begin to work out his issues, but i'm not sure that being present to receive his abuse is helping anyone.

    I'm personally an atheist... but I pray that your situation improves... I'm very sorry I cant help you more.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2011
  7. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I am an agnostic and I finally understand religious people. When theres nothing you can do and nothing to believe in that can help, wouldnt it be nice if something was there and cared...

    If I go to any center its harder, I dont even know where to go, dont have normal clothes with me...

    His family is ok. They just have their own issues with him and first want to see me as some savior, someone who got so close to their son... see no one tells him anything cause he always takes things the wrong way, starts blaming people, obsesses about past... and ok, he had some hard shit in his life. He is 8 years older then me though and I cant keep feeling responsible.
    So his parents just walk around him on the eggshells and then they get that we fight and try to make clear point I can always come to them, they are on my side, etc.
    But they are so helpless too they don't help at all. His mom thinks its good advice that when he gets so upset you shouldnt say anything (ok that wasnt used in this type of situation, but...), his dad just goes on how relationships are difficult and how we just need to start working. And its best not to alarm my parents back home, what good does that do.
    they just think i should get him to go to therapy and get some meds. They dont understand I don't have special powers like they think.

    Ill try to ask them for help today, they have to see I need to leave (his mom sometimes understands that) and that I CANT deal with him in the in between time. I cant stay at home and wait for ticket. I cant get into conversations with him. Im so damn depressed I cant act and when situation is ok I cant go trough with anything cause I don't have that decisivenes in me. I talk to no one about it and he always plays on my guilt issues and makes me feel he is the biggest victim. I know all this cant be right but I know Ill block it when the feelings calm down. I know. I need someone to help me from here and I dont know what the plan should be
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    What I did, personally, was plan ahead. I got the paperwork I needed to take with me put in a safe place. I got any bits that were important to me gathered and easily accessed for quick removal. I read online about getting out and safehouses etc. When a day came where I thought I could do it, thats what I did, I literally ran.

    So, my advice again would be to call a shelter to discuss your situation with someone who can give you good advice for your own situation so that you can formulate your own plan to suit your own situation.

    Please take care. You have the strength to do this.

    Edit to add (re your other thread) I was in the SAME situation as you, not being a native to the country I was in at the time. You CAN do this.
  9. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I want to believe it is possible but it seems like its a constant circle and I gave up the idea there is anything left outside of this.

    I know Im wrong but I get sucked in. I feel like he depends purely on me, he is now texting stuff about how he is a monster and he shouldn't be alive... and there is this loving sweet side of him that I feel still deserves to be helped. Truth is he does have no one, even though its because he trusts no one. Even if he is the one doing it, it hurts to see everything that could have been, that at moments was, amazing and beautiful get totally ruined for something so evil and stupid. Maybe he really is a victim of a mental state that takes over and tortures him and he can only look at someone to blame and play the role of a monster.

    I have to fully ignore him, the good him also, to even have a chance to go trough with it. As soon as my feelings start calming down there is doubt, and suddenly I feel compassion, suddenly I wonder what I could have done differently... and I want to see a happy end for everyone and it seems its simply impossible.

    I became a total mess inside, I dont even know how to create a different life and be back like nothing ever happened and go on... and he, I have no idea, but I feel Ill never be out of his grip.
    Then I fear, what if he commits suicide. Or just starts leading an even worse life. Ill probably be better without him, I think. I cant imagine the loneliness he will feel cause of what type of person he is.

    I feel this things and read what he is writing to me or hear what he is saying and then go on with some vague idea of how maybe when this one lil thing happens things can change, or maybe he can really get therapy, and so can I and maybe then... but I know nothing will follow trough.

    Its like he is a black hole and sucked all my feelings and energy and focus its impossible to get away.

    Thank you MoAnamCara, its good to hear it is possible to get out. Its something to believe in. Im just so confused I wish I could shut myself off or fast forward the break up or whatever will follow and continue when its all over and forget,
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    well said.
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