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There's nothing for me here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Jul 23, 2008.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I have 1 friend who I haven't gone out with in a long time, partially because I've been feeling so horrible. I just don't see any hope left at all. I quit marijuana and dexedrin went on vacation trying to make something more of myself.most of the people were all rude and I got paranoid like crazy, the burning started and it's just been misery since. I feel/felt so horrible skin wise I looked to women for some enjoyment. Honestly everyone would be happier without me , I'm just a burden mentally and financially on my family. I've had so much oppurtunity to have a good life I just let things get in my way, now like my name I'm 2fargone hope is just a waste.

    I've lost muscle put on fat and well, everyone despises me, I drive my own family nuts I just obsess about my skin irritation and what could be causing it or my other problems. I do have big time issues and I know it, . I go on and on, thinking of a solution when in reality I'm too far gone, misery is my only fate in this world

    The skin around my mouth has been burning/ tingeling for 2 months now, With no possible solution in sight. It may just be dental allergies i've tried to get them out but he won't listen I actually got 2 more new ones put it. Maybe it's sjogren's syndrome. I feel miserable all day long compulsiving about hwo bad my skin feels, no enjoyment whatsoever. Look up burning mouth syndrome it's extremely unpleasant to say the least.

    and to top it off I had unprotected sex with 2 girls in the past 6-7 weeks I shouldn't have. I have all the syptoms of HIV, sore muslces, joints a acne looking ish rash on the trunk, sore throat , swollen lymph nodes, malaise, tiredness. one girl grinded her teeth on me down there before we had sex, which would made me really supseptible to catching somehting. I'm 90% sure I have it the last girl was 4 weeks ago but u should wait 6 weeks for a 90% accurate test result.

    if sjogren's snydrome(which could be causing all my skin pain and agony ) an autoimmunne disorder the only treatment really is. drugs that shut down the immune system and well that's just not possible if you have something like HIV,unless you want a slow and painful death. There's dermatits /ezcema around my mouth I was using elidel on vacation and ur not supposed to use that in the sun maybe that's why I'm experencing all this irritation, plus I had/have peeling lips so I was prone to damage. I took an AI drug which made them really bad I should have stoped but didn't. Maybe dental allergies caused it I have no idea... there I go about my health problems..

    The truth is I'm too chickenshit to killmyself while theres any sliver of hope left, I'm on half of a sliver ATM, truth be told I don't want to die I just see no possibility of having a remotely gratifying life the way things are looking. I just wish I could go back 2+ months ago when my skin was managable not driving me nuts, and I could have gone on with my life, done some good for the world helped people. or even just stayed at home most of the day smoked weed took dexedrin before wokring out gone out with friends once every other weekend..the funny thing is I was paranoid about people being out to kill me one girl I slept with laughed when I told her about it.. maybe that was her intention if she knew she had HIV/aids

    The story of my life is trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist and creating a new one much worse. Let this be a lesson learned drugs, sleeping around and skin problems are no laughing matter. take care of you mind and body you only have 1 and when it's so wore down there's nothing you can do.

    I'm such a wimp I want to die the most painless way. I have half a bottle of clenbuterol which would surely give a fatal heart attack in one or two gulps. I'm going to try and hold off, I'm surely crazy for holding on when there is no point. This is just too surreal, I'm living in a tragedy with only 1 thing missing, I don't see things getting any worse, me dieing is the only solution at this point.I better get to bed so I can wakeup and go through all this pain once more.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your pain. What have the doctors and other medical specialists said about your skin condition?
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You know you shouldn't be having sex if you think you are HIV positive. You wouldn't want to have sex with someone if you knew for sure they had it. I had a skin condition when I was younger, I would break out in blisters on my arms and legs. When the blisters would break and run down I would get more blisters where it ran. Eventually covering my whole leg or arm. Then one day they just went away and I never got them again.
    My point is don't give up. There might be a cure out there the doctors just haven't found it yet. We will hold you in our thoughts!! Take Care!!:chopper:
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'm not planning on having sex in the near future, especially not until I get my test results. my family doc was out of town the sit in guy for him didn't know much at all just gave me a referal, I was also put on antibiotics for the anti inflammatory effect. If I did contract HIV as well that can cause skin problems neurological ones as well but I did have the burning before that. maybe it just brought it back into play.

    I'm not seeing a dermatologist until the end of the year. Thanks for the words of encouragement, Im trying to hold on even though I'm finding extremely little enjoyment out of life, obsessive compulsion about how bad my skin feels a all the mistakes I've made, and how everything has gone wrong.

    even without these 2 problems I have alot of anxiety, BDD like symtoms, drug problems etc. I've also been single for 4 years, and if I do have HIV there's no hope of me ever finding anyone. Sure I've had oppurtunity to ask girls out but I never took it because I was stuck in my own little world of anxiety, drugs, eating, working out, health problems, playing games and watching tv.
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