There's nothing good about who I am or what I do

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ubanam, Feb 10, 2010.

  1. ubanam

    ubanam New Member

    So, hi
    Well, there is just nothing good about my life. I don't like anyone or anything, not even myself, and no one likes me either. I feel just miserable all the time, and here's why: My health is fucked up. I'm really in pain all the time, and I'm only 16. My back hurts, my knee hurts, my stomach hurts a lot, along with other random symptoms. Joint pain, lack of apettite, nausea. Anyways, I go from doctor to doctor and they never do anything for me. Just tell me to take some pills, do some exams and look at me like I'm just a whiny kid. I probably am, but still. And when I tell you there's nothing right about me, I mean it. You name one single part of my body and I'll tell you how it's fucked up. To end with the physical part, I'm also really, really ugly. Some might say it's a futile reason to want to suicide, but damnit, they just don't know what it's like when you're feeling like shit for other reasons, you look in the mirror and look disgusting. My teeth are really ugly, my whole body is asymmetric and unproportional and I can't stop obsessing about it. All the time I'm looking in mirrors, windows, taking pictures, and everytime it makes me wanna kill myself right there.

    Now on the mental part: First, I'm obviously depressed and there's no one to help me. I even went to a psychiatrist (which I had to make the appointment myself) and for 200 dollars all he had to tell me was "Well, you're depressed". Oh, really?
    He also couldn't prescribe anything without my parents knowing. And that's fucking awful, depending on someone who you just never could trust. So, depression makes my life suck all the time. I hate going to school, I hate going out, I hate everything. I just like to stay home and watch TV. When my back hurts, I just take some painkillers. If I'm ugly, I just don't care, I'm alone anyway. But no one will let me stay home and miss school, of course, so I go anyways. I learn nothing, cheat in every single test. Even though I pay attention to the classes, it just doesn't work for me. Being stupid sucks. I also don't have any real friends, just some people I hang out with at school. But, of course, I hate them and can't trust them for shit. They're the most fake people ever to exist, seriously.
    And to top it all, here's something I never told anyone: I am Yes. Sick, isn't it? Well, I didn't choose to be this way. I just am. The same way you like people of the opposite sex or the same sex, or anything, well, I like kids. (Please note I'm not trying to deffend child abuse). I never acted on it, and, trust me, I never will. I try to make my life on earth less destructive as I can, so the thought of ruining a kid's life never even crosses my mind. I'm actually just mentioning the pedophile thing, 'cause it's not a big issue for me. I'm way past the "oh my god, why am I this way" phase, and, knowing I won't hurt anyone, I can just pretend I'm not one.

    Well, that's it. Just wanted to vent out.
    I'm sorry for any english mistake (not my first language) and I'm sorry if the pedophile thing offends someone (I know there's a rape and abuse forum here, so this people will probably hate on me. well, you have every right to)
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we all want the best for you. im not judgemental.
  3. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Things can always change for you. I'm in your position, same age, it's still early on.
  4. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    I'm sure there's SOMETHING good about you!
    Ok, I don't know you, but you sound as though you are a very nice person.
    I totally get the ugly thing too. But here's the thing, I know this is gonna sound totaly corny and fake, but, you're beautiful to SOMEONE, even if it's not yourself.
    believe me i know, I'm ugly as shit.. seriously, actual shit is nicer to look at then me, but one person tells me i am beautiful all the time (same person all the time, but at least its one!)
    i dunno if he means it all the time, i mean how can he? but....its a nice thought.
    Anyways, I'm sure there is something good about you that you think is good, deep down, just........look for it and you will find it. again, sounds cliche and fake, but i mean it
    good luck
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    maybe you have Chronic Fatigue? I don't really know, just came to mind. Unfortunately many people here can relate to the self perseived uglyness if you wanna call it that. Wouldn't say I'm the best looking guy either....fairly bda acne scars and it tends to get pointed out by the "friends" at school. I don't hang out with any of the kids from school. Only one that goes to a different high school but I met him when we were in primary. It can get extremely depressing and sadenning(that's probly not a word :laugh:) when you're commented on about your complexion by the only semi-friends you can only take so much. And I can relate to school being a fucking waste of the fuck am I ment to plan my future when i don't think I'll make it that far *shrug*.

    As lilly said, deep down there is always something good in someone. You're not a bad person and that's all that matters :tongue:.

    Gimme a PM if ya ever wanna talk :)
  6. Arathor

    Arathor Member

    Just like the others said: "...deep down there is always something good in someone. You're not a bad person and that's all that matters "
    Your post made it obvious that you are hurting. BUT you have not intentionally hurt other people. You have at least a clean conscience...
  7. ubanam

    ubanam New Member

    It took me this long to have the guts to look at this thread again :rolleyes:
    Thanks everyone for not being judgemental and all. Unfortunately I couldn't express in this post 1% of what's going on inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I have completely lost my mind and it's just swirling and trying everything it can, from depression, bipolar disorder, sick paranoia, homicidal thoughts, meeting god, meeting satan, hypochondria (bad one). I feel like a lost my childhood, my parents, my family, my very sense of time for ****'s sake. I forget what I'm doing and who I am, I even forget what I'm thinking at that exact moment. I wonder, "is this growing up or is this going insane?". I seriously don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who anyone's just so much :(
    And as I said earlier, my body is completely fucked up. To keep it short: I feel all kinds of pain, everywhere, and no one believes me or helps me.
    Well, I wrote too much again...this was just supposed to be a "thank you" post.

    simply adding, this is a text I just wrote to a medical support forum. I don't know if anyone cares enough to read it, but I'm just trying to get someone to completely understand what's going on with me.

    "Hi. I'm a 16 year old male and I feel like everything is wrong with me. My ankles hurt, the external part of my knees hurt, my wrist hurts, my lombar hurts, the center of my back hurts, and my neck hurts. Then there's my abdominal pains. They're different from each other so it's hard to describe. Sometimes they come from my back and radiate to my stomach, sometimes it feels like someone's stabbing me. Sometimes it feels like there's a ball of spiked glass stucked in my bladder area, and the pain radiates to my anus and penis. Also my penis hurts and itches and has red large spots that come and go. Then there's the fact that my whole body is weird and assymetric, including my face. I also have bad motor coordination and all the other symptoms for Kleinfelter's syndrome. I had intestinal surgery 2 years ago and inguinal hernia surgery 1 month after that. I have also random symptoms like headaches, depression, anxiety, constipation followed by diarrhea, easily bruising, yellow skin, really really flacid skin, weak muscles, bad concentration, can't breath through my nose, etc. For that matter, my nose bone keeps getting bigger. My dentist said my chin is coming forward and my teeth are all messed up in several ways. . I think about killing myself everyday. I'm also sure that no one likes me and everyone is disgusted by my looks. I don't like anyone either. Also, I used to be a smart kid and now I just feel stupid. I've been to doctors and there was no help, I just couldn't express all that I'm feeling. 2 or 3 orthopedists that tell me to exercise more, some famous doctor that treats digestive problems and he also told me nothing was wrong, I went to a psychiatrist because I feel like my mind is completely lost, of course I couldn't tell him that. I just said things like "I'm tired of things". My parents also don't believe me and I can't fully express all that I feel to them. Also I feel I should add I have all of the symptoms for depression and dysmorphophobia. There's probably more but I can't remember everything right now. I'm here begging for help because It's the only place I feel safe to say everything I feel without being instantly judged as a bad case of hypochondriac, behind the great anonymousity of the internet. I'm sorry for the long text, but I really just needed to put it all out somewhere, for someone to read. I hope you'll think about what I wrote and not just ignore everything. Please, help me!"
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 12, 2010
  8. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Wow. You sound like me. I am not going to pretend that life gets super easy, but you will get a little more comfortable with yourself just look at what makes you unique and special. I am almost 22 now and I still struggle with self-esteem. You are still only 16. Teeth can get fixed and you still have lots of growing up to do physically. You are going to change sooooo much too for the better. Try to be a little optimistic sometimes. Our depression forces us to be so negative and always think the worse. HUGS
  9. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Also, struggling with sexuality and having different thoughts is part of growing up. You are still young too, so why call yourself a pedophile. There is a chance that you will still meet a person your own age and fall in love. The fact that you haven't acted on your urges proves that you are a good person and that is one quality you can applaud yourself for.
  10. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I'm just going to say... before you can begin to like anything around you- or other people; you need to like yourself.
    IT's obvious that you don't--- but out of anyone in the world, you need to have some level of confidence and like or LOVE yourself!
    Love the good things, love the bad things--- no one is perfect.

    Now, it's easy for me to tell you this, yes- though I have trouble with that as well. I'm really asymmetrical. I try my best to hide scars that were given to me when I was assaulted; but I always see them when I look int the mirror and it makes me feel so ugly and stupid.
    We need to look past these things.

    It's okay to not know who you are at your age- don't sweat it.
    Most adults don't even know who they are as a person, either.

    You will grow into things and get better at things that you think you're not so good at.
    You're allowed to be frustrated and confused and angry at everything in your life because you're a teenager-- and I think that most teenagers do. It's a rough time.
    Just hang in there!