Here I am on the cusp of another year, my 38th to be exact. I am at a point where I believe that my existence on this planet serves no purpose. I rarely sleep anymore; two to three hours tops and usually with bad dreams. I keep the charade up for work then come home, exercise to the point of exhaustion, and then drink until I can pass out. That is my routine. I live for the weekends or a day off when I can stay in bed all day and shut out the rest of the world. I have isolated myself so much over the past years that I can barely function in a public setting. I have considered suicide for a long time. I'm not afraid of death but I'm such a private person that I want to make sure no one finds my body after I'm gone. I have inflicted self harm in the past including cutting, self-bludgeoning and self-flagellation in order to take my mind off what is happening inside me. Frankly, I don't have a lot of faith in a website (or anything else) but I did want to evaluate this and see if there was a genuine community out there of people like me and what, if anything, could be done as improvement. Thank you for reading.