for a little while i had stopped thinking about suicide, but after yesterday my thoughts have started coming back. i got in a little bit of trouble last march and have been on probation since september, i was doing so good staying clean and staying out of trouble and yesterday i tested from a PO meeting and she gave me an ETG test (for alcohol remnants, ethly gly something or other) and i drank friday and sunday night. go figure. i hate being at school cause i dont have any friends at michigan state, but i hate being home because my parents just keep bothering me "go hangout with your friends. you should call someone. why dont u get off the computer and go hangout with ur friends". well...because all my friends at home ever wanna do is smoke pot or drink, and i got home and hungout with them and i drank. and now i gotta deal with this and i cant. 7000 dollars worth of court costs and a new car later and i cant afford this. my dad has no more money. im becoming too expensive for my parents. im becoming too much trouble for myself and my family. i just wanna be a normal college kid. i just wanna have friends, but im just another piece of meat in the system. im nothing but a criminal and a liar in the courts eyes and they don't even know who i am. they've not made me look at the error of my ways, they've made me look at how unfair life is, at how cruel people can be to people they don't even know. they've made me contemplate swallowing a bottle of pills, they are the reason i cant get out of bed everyday and they are the reason ive thought about buying a gun. the worst part is i have no friends or no girlfriend or parents or anyone to talk to about this. im all alone. make it stop.