these thoughts are back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thepainwithin, Dec 22, 2009.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    for a little while i had stopped thinking about suicide, but after yesterday my thoughts have started coming back. i got in a little bit of trouble last march and have been on probation since september, i was doing so good staying clean and staying out of trouble and yesterday i tested from a PO meeting and she gave me an ETG test (for alcohol remnants, ethly gly something or other) and i drank friday and sunday night.

    go figure. i hate being at school cause i dont have any friends at michigan state, but i hate being home because my parents just keep bothering me "go hangout with your friends. you should call someone. why dont u get off the computer and go hangout with ur friends". well...because all my friends at home ever wanna do is smoke pot or drink, and i got home and hungout with them and i drank. and now i gotta deal with this and i cant.

    7000 dollars worth of court costs and a new car later and i cant afford this. my dad has no more money. im becoming too expensive for my parents. im becoming too much trouble for myself and my family. i just wanna be a normal college kid. i just wanna have friends, but im just another piece of meat in the system. im nothing but a criminal and a liar in the courts eyes and they don't even know who i am. they've not made me look at the error of my ways, they've made me look at how unfair life is, at how cruel people can be to people they don't even know. they've made me contemplate swallowing a bottle of pills, they are the reason i cant get out of bed everyday and they are the reason ive thought about buying a gun.

    the worst part is i have no friends or no girlfriend or parents or anyone to talk to about this. im all alone.

    make it stop.
     
  2. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    Please don't. Some people are horrible disgusting worms of people, but you've got to know not everyone is like that. If you need someone to talk to, I'll be your buddy. Things will get better, they have to.

    I'm going to seem horrible, but I'm awfully curious as to what you did. You don't have to tell if you don't want to.
     
  3. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    i was pulled over smoking while driving. the pig told me if i gave a blood sample i wouldnt get 8 points on my liscense and it wouldnt get taken away. so i gave one, got my liscense taken away for a month and 8 pts on my liscense anyway. i wouldve had a chance to win the case if that disgusting piece of trash didnt blatently lie to me and tell i had to give a blood sample when i didnt have to.
     
  4. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    That's terrible. I don't blame you for thinking people are bad, because that guy's a little shit. Some people like to make others' lives hell because they think it'll make them feel better, so try not to let them bother you. That lets them win, and the bastards don't deserve to.
     
  5. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    it's no ones fault but my own. god has ignored me so many times i'm losing faith. when is my life going to get good? i hate everything about myself and just want this to be over. i'm tired of everyone making me feel guilty for thinking like this, telling me im selfish. it's my life. it's my happiness, they don't suffer from me suffering.
     
  6. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    When I first expressed a desire to end my wretchedly futile existence, my mother said it was selfish, also. The reasoning is, they'll suffer if you go, and they think you're selfish for not caring that they'll be miserable. Kind of selfish in itself, but a valid reason.
     
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