These thoughts are stalking me

First things first, I do not understand what makes a person officially suicidal. So if you could answer that for me somewhere in the responses it would be greatly appreciated.

Now to my problem. I'm a 23 year old male and I've never been all that outgoing of a person. I'm rather introverted, and reclusive. Hardly ever talk about my feelings or show them. But lately its gotten to a point where I just dont feel like myself. I've become extremely reclusive and I'd say I'm depressed. I don't have much of a reason to leave my house, or room for that matter other than work or food, so I just dont leave my house or room that often. Kind of put my social relations on the back burner, not that i wanted to, it just happened and Im not too sure why this reclusiveness has happened. I've also had passing thoughts on suicide throughout my life time but now those thoughts have really picked up in number of occurrences. Its gotten to a point where on any given day, those thoughts are with me the whole day in the back of my mind eating away my sanity. Its almost turned into a constant feeling rather than just thoughts. Sometimes I almost feel possessed by them. They sometimes make themselves top priority in my mind, causing me to not act on my other feelings such as hunger. I actually tied a hangman's noose today with the belt from my robe just to see it. I don't know what to do about these thoughts, my parents most likely won't believe that they're this bad, and even if they did believe me, I wouldnt necessarily want to seek medical attention because visits like that would show up on background checks for employment. And I dont want that hurting my chances at a career in law enforcement. Besides, Im not even sure if I have insurance...

 

You need to seek professional help, even it's only to be put on some kind of medication or just to talk to someone about the way you are feeling - and those types of visits do NOT show up on your background check for work. It's called patient doctor privilege - it is confidential

 

If it was a sure thing that there is nothing beyond this life. I wouldnt be typing this.

 

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be careful here. depends in which country you live in. doctor-patient privilege prevent from divulgation of information such at what the patient has, taking or else.... doesn't prevent or amditting one is under their care.
on this i'd check again...... see into a gov. site or do a search. one person you could start with is your family doctor. if after talking together he-she feels you need something he-she is not able to help you with on his-her own then you'll be refered to a specialist, but to some point fam. doc. can start some sort of med. cure (basic but a start) and none will know about it.