Everything is falling apart. I have two friends..lets call them Tom and Sarah. I have been good friends with Tom for a while. Him and Sarah went out a while ago, were friends for a while, then Tom started ignoring her. I became friends with her and I have to say I had a modest crush on her. She is the first person I started to tell about my cutting because she has the same issue. However I got the sense she didn't like me. We fell out of touch slightly. A few days ago I was at Tom's and we were drinking (which I don't normally do). Tom told me about a drug problem he use to have and how he was starting to hurt himself in little ways. He needs to vent because his brother abandoned him, he gets no sleep, and his family hates him (really). He has started to develop alcoholism as well. While at his house, I confided to him about my issue. Id like to add that I haven't done it in at least a month. Two days ago, Tom and Sarah's friend died of a suicide using the very same drug Tom was addicted to. At almost the same time, Sarah's Grandfather died. This was the night I decided to go to sleep at midnight, the earliest I have done in years. (i'm an insomniac) I wake up at a regular time and check my phone. Tom sent a message that He wants to kill himself and that he cut himself a whole bunch. Sarah send me a message saying she needed me. ME? Now Tom is doing worse and I think Sarah has picked up old habits. Where the fuck was I? fucking asleep when they needed me the most. I'm so torn up in my head about this. I feel like I should have been there, I should have stayed awake. I also feel like this is an excuse I needed to start up again. But Thats so fucking selfish and I know they would hate me for doing that. And it would support either of them at all. Fuck things are so messed up and no one knows. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I feel bad for those lost, and I hope that no one else dies. I'm so fucking selfish.