They are all dieing

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Nevermore, Jan 9, 2007.

  1. Nevermore

    Nevermore Active Member

    Everything is falling apart. I have two friends..lets call them Tom and Sarah. I have been good friends with Tom for a while. Him and Sarah went out a while ago, were friends for a while, then Tom started ignoring her. I became friends with her and I have to say I had a modest crush on her.
    She is the first person I started to tell about my cutting because she has the same issue. However I got the sense she didn't like me. We fell out of touch slightly.
    A few days ago I was at Tom's and we were drinking (which I don't normally do). Tom told me about a drug problem he use to have and how he was starting to hurt himself in little ways. He needs to vent because his brother abandoned him, he gets no sleep, and his family hates him (really). He has started to develop alcoholism as well. While at his house, I confided to him about my issue.
    Id like to add that I haven't done it in at least a month.

    Two days ago, Tom and Sarah's friend died of a suicide using the very same drug Tom was addicted to. At almost the same time, Sarah's Grandfather died. This was the night I decided to go to sleep at midnight, the earliest I have done in years. (i'm an insomniac)
    I wake up at a regular time and check my phone. Tom sent a message that He wants to kill himself and that he cut himself a whole bunch. Sarah send me a message saying she needed me. ME?
    Now Tom is doing worse and I think Sarah has picked up old habits. Where the fuck was I? fucking asleep when they needed me the most.

    I'm so torn up in my head about this. I feel like I should have been there, I should have stayed awake. I also feel like this is an excuse I needed to start up again. But Thats so fucking selfish and I know they would hate me for doing that. And it would support either of them at all. Fuck things are so messed up and no one knows.
    Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I feel bad for those lost, and I hope that no one else dies. I'm so fucking selfish.
  2. Saoirse

    Saoirse Guest

    It wasn't your fault. You went to sleep, we all have to sleep. I believe you'd have stayed up if you had of know what was going to happen but - no one -knew. Don't blame yourself for something you didn't know was going to happen. You may not have gotten the chance to support them then but you CAN support them now which is just as important.
  3. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Thats happened to me before too... not the exact same situation, but I was asleep when a friend of mine needed me to be there for her... I guess that you stop tearing yourself up about it after a while... I have... but its not your fault... you were asleep and like Sunset said, we all need to sleep. And either way its just as important that you are availible now at least.

  4. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i read your post and feel for you and your two friends.They are lucky to have you and it is good that you are trying to support them.Please try not to beat yourself up though and remember to try and look after yourself too.That must come first and foremost!You sound ta bit drained and like you have a lot to deal with right sorry i dont have many usefiul words or anything but i just wanted to let you know i had read your post,heard your pain and am here anytime you need to talk.

    Take care
  5. Nevermore

    Nevermore Active Member

    im playing my silent violin
    they seem to have blocked it out
    i cant imagine how im going to feel whenever i wake up next

    im so fucking selfish
  6. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    You are not selfish. Before you look after anyone, and I mean ANYONE else... you have to look after yourself first. If not.. its not only you that suffers... its the people around you too. Look after you, and then you can look after others. x

  7. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    You know how I feel about this Nevermore..
    You need to look after yourself, tahts the Most Important thing even if you think its the least. It doesnt not make you selfish, it makes you Human. Please take care, and remember that time for yourself is OK.

    Allo _%