They don't think I'm depressed

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hache, Jan 2, 2013.

  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    They don't think I am depressed.

    They think I am frustrated, sad, angry, fed up.

    I've broke down in tears in front of them a couple of times, I've told them I don't sleep at night. But they don't think that's depression. They think its just because I am unemployed and have no friends.

    They're getting angry at me. They try to help me find a job and I am unresponsive. I shut down, shut off, mumble, avoid answers, think about suicide. So they think I am just lazy and they get angry at me. But sometimes I find it difficult to even find the willpower to move my fingers.

    My dad to angry and started a speech saying I could fight for something or just spend all day in bed. So I said spend all day in bed and walked off to my bedroom. I have no fight, my mind and body has nothing, I feel nothing, all my dreams and hopes are gone, drained, they don't exist anymore. So he came upstairs into my room and got angrier about my lack of fight and me walking away from him when he was trying to help, started saying things like some people don't get any help or have a family, those kind of guilt trip motivation attempts. I said nothing, just Lay there, my mind couldn't generate the energy to even say anything, I feel drained, at times almost like Stephen hawking, alive in my head but no power to move my body.

    Then later I was eating, which is a difficult task as I have little willpower, so my face was screwed up and depressed, and he got angry again, started saying if I'm depressed then its up to me to get help. I don't think they understand that the depression makes me a recluse, that it makes me prefer to curl up and want to die than to try and get help.

    They don't understand. There's no help that can do anything, I have no dreams or goals, there's nothing left in the tank.

    A similar thing happened 5 years ago where they got angry at me, depression didnt seem enough for them, I ended up having to show them self harm scars, then they listened. But I don't have anything like that now, no card to play, I don't self harm I think of actually killing myself.

    They're getting angry that I don't get out of bed til 2pm. Think I am lazy. But it's because I can't get to sleep til 4am.

    I just seem to be waiting for a big enough trigger to cause my suicide.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your parents are not professionals hun they wont understand not unless they have felt depression themselves. YOu go to your doctor your school councilor you talk to a teacher someone who does know hun and get on some medication to help you or get some therapy. I found the medication actually gave me energy hun to fight again hugs
  3. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I don't go to school, I am about to turn 25 and live with my parents, lol.

    I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to try, every drop of hope has been drained out of me.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is what depression is hun it takes away hope and the fight but with help you can get well you can i know so i do hope hun your reach out ok you hun are worth that fight
  5. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    It's different this time. I see no point. In the past there has been university, travel etc, I have reached out to fix things and get those opportunities. There are no opportunities this time, I'm not reaching out for anything.

    Fact is I have failed to come out of the earlier stages of life with a friendship group or relationship needed to help bridge the gap into employment, to ease the journey. I've failed at adulthood and I have no desire to now become a lonely slave.