They don't understand

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by FallenYuki, Aug 28, 2016.

  1. FallenYuki

    FallenYuki Member

    They don't understand what it feels like to lose control over your mind. To feel like you're being sucked into a dark world with a little voice in the background saying: ''It's okay, just end it. Then all the pain will go away''. That feeling of having a demon version of yourself inside of you, like chains around your ankles and wrists. It drags you down to the floor, making you feel heavy and hopeless. The more you try to walk forward, the more tiring it gets and you feel like giving up. I wish I could mute that voice that's ruining my life, my relationships, my world. Because it's all me. I myself am destroying me, but why can't I stop it? Why can't I just be happy, and grateful for the life that's been given to me? Why can't I see the good in myself that others keep telling me they see? On such a beautiful sunny day like today, I can feel like I am worthless and just want to silence the anger inside.

    ''You're being paranoid. Talk to someone. You don't need to feel that way'', is what they'll tell you. Not understanding at all it's not that easy. Oh, what I would give to make this all go away. To be an independent, confident, strong woman. I am trying my hardest to work on myself. To be more assertive, not bringing myself down, not compare myself to others. I've been trying for God knows how long. And if you feel like you're hardly making any progress, it makes you feel hopeless. Constantly apologizing for how I feel. What am I doing wrong? Am I just meant to be this way forever? If I'll stay like this, I don't feel like living. Maybe I should stay alone for the rest of my life, because I don't want to drag my loved one into my hell. I don't want him to suffer because of me.

    It's hard not having someone understand how you feel, who knows what it's like to plan your suicide in your head and actually considering or trying it. To them you're just overreacting..
     
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I have just a few observations-take them or leave them. It's just another persons opinion to consider, but I am a person who has been where you are-for several decades I existed in that same dark tunnel of nothingness that you are describing. Every day I asked myself why I couldn't just get my shit together and be happy like everyone else was and like I could and should be if I just tried harder. That is what they told me-that I stayed sick because I didn't want to get better. I could change everything if I set my mind to it but I just didn't care about myself enough to do that. I know now that there was actually much more going on in me than a simple refusal to do what it took to get better.

    I was a perfectionist about my life-a black or white, all or nothing sort of a person. And my goal was to get my life completely together and live happily ever after and never be hurt or disappointed again. It sounds crazy but its the truth-I really did believe that happiness was a destination that (when I found it) would be permanent. Once I got myself together all of my problems would just magically disappear somehow. I would suddenly have people in my life who got me, just as I was with no problem. All conflict and disappointment would stop recurring in my life-everything would be easier, like flipping a switch-in an instant.

    It sounds outrageous-when I read my own words. Who would ever believe that about life? That there was some perfect existence out there where they would never get hurt and no one would ever disappoint them? I believed that for a very long time although I was never consciously aware that I felt that way. Then when real life went the opposite way-when I still fell backwards no matter how hard I tried to be happy, I started hating my imperfect life with all of its complexities and problems. In a world of absolutes where there is only good or bad, I assigned myself to the bad side. I saw myself a failure and loser-a person with no guts or will power.

    My first attempt at suicide was at the age of thirteen. Later in life-when I was in my thirties, I had my exit strategy ready to go, all parts assembled and hidden away in my bedroom closet. For years I existed with one foot in the grave-all I wanted to do was sleep because it was the only time in my life when I felt a small bit of relief from the pain. I was in my late thirties when I realized that the death that needed to happen was not my physical death-I had to kill a thought that I had lived with for decades. I had to remove black and white thinking from my mental overview of life. Real life doesn't speak that language-I had to learn to be fluent in the language of the grey place in between the two polarities. I had to learn to be at peace in the middle part of life where nothing is great and nothing is terrible. It sounds very simple, maybe even silly-but the actual living of it was difficult and painful. I saw no point in living a life that would never be perfect-I had a lot to learn about life. I have learned a lot and I am still learning.

    Sorry about the very long post-too long I suspect. But I see that same sort of all or nothing thinking happening a lot on SF and it always makes me sad. I see stories where people have given up on themselves because their life isn't perfect-just like I did. I have lived for over a decade in an imperfect, grey, middle world and there is a lot to be said for it. It is an experience that is worth sticking around for in my opinion. I still get hurt sometimes-people still let me down and disappoint me, but good times happen too. Sometimes it goes the other way and people surprise me by being incredibly kind and compassionate. There are bad people and good people out there-nothing and no one is guaranteed. My life is very peaceful most of the time and it's only because I removed black or white thinking from my mental profile.

    I hope that something I have said helps you on your journey of self-discovery, if not thank you for indulging me. Maybe this post will touch someone else-someone who is waiting for bliss to come into their lives and never leave. That only happens in the movies but there is still a lot to look forward to in life. Good luck to you-LT
     
  3. Cathy

    Cathy Member

    You are right, a lot of people don't know what it feels like, but there are people out there who do.
    For me it's like I have a part in my mind that is positive and happy with life. A part that looks forward to things and enjoys every moment. But there is also a part, and it's huge, that makes me feel exactly like you described. To him nothing matters, there is no positivity, I am nothing and I would better be off dead instead of having to deal with life. I try keeping that part locked up but it sometimes escapes and I lose control over everything. It drags me down and it's so much bigger than I am.
    I'm fighting every single day and it's exhausting. I'm scared people won't understand so I never let people notice that there is anything is wrong with me.
    Just try to keep in mind that there are people out there however that do care. There will be people mourning and hurting if you commit suicide.