They don't understand what it feels like to lose control over your mind. To feel like you're being sucked into a dark world with a little voice in the background saying: ''It's okay, just end it. Then all the pain will go away''. That feeling of having a demon version of yourself inside of you, like chains around your ankles and wrists. It drags you down to the floor, making you feel heavy and hopeless. The more you try to walk forward, the more tiring it gets and you feel like giving up. I wish I could mute that voice that's ruining my life, my relationships, my world. Because it's all me. I myself am destroying me, but why can't I stop it? Why can't I just be happy, and grateful for the life that's been given to me? Why can't I see the good in myself that others keep telling me they see? On such a beautiful sunny day like today, I can feel like I am worthless and just want to silence the anger inside. ''You're being paranoid. Talk to someone. You don't need to feel that way'', is what they'll tell you. Not understanding at all it's not that easy. Oh, what I would give to make this all go away. To be an independent, confident, strong woman. I am trying my hardest to work on myself. To be more assertive, not bringing myself down, not compare myself to others. I've been trying for God knows how long. And if you feel like you're hardly making any progress, it makes you feel hopeless. Constantly apologizing for how I feel. What am I doing wrong? Am I just meant to be this way forever? If I'll stay like this, I don't feel like living. Maybe I should stay alone for the rest of my life, because I don't want to drag my loved one into my hell. I don't want him to suffer because of me. It's hard not having someone understand how you feel, who knows what it's like to plan your suicide in your head and actually considering or trying it. To them you're just overreacting..