They Say Blood is Thicker Than Water....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kadence, Aug 2, 2012.

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  1. Kadence

    Kadence New Member

    If I wanted to be yelled at, I'd just go home... I'd just go home and listen to my father gripe at me.. I don't need it from you too... Yeah, I get it -- I need a job, but you know what? I can't get one. Not that I don't want one, because I've been applying, but because no one is hiring -- and if people are hiring, they aren't hiring a senior who is going to be in school who's never had an actual job. Also, I can't get a job, because this year -especially this semester- is going to be my toughest one yet. I have Algebra, Biology 2, Econ, and Personal Finance... Tell me, how can I juggle all that right now, along with a job... Math and science are NOT my strong suits... and I've got no way of changing those courses around, because that's how the stupid counselor made my schedule, and she won't change it.

    So you know what, I don't need to get a lecture from you too. I've got enough to deal with on my own, thanks. I go down to your house to take a break and rewind with the dog of my dreams, which I can't have because I don't have a job. I go down to your house to relax and get away from the stress... and everything's fine until you get home. I get along great with your wife... we have a lot of fun together, talking about random things and just going for a drive. She's fun. She's nice. She's easy to talk to. You, not so much.

    You're my uncle, not my father. I don't need you bitching at me because my arse of a father does that pretty well by himself. I know you're pretty clueless, and honestly you just don't care... but can you not get it through your head that I get it enough? Can you not understand that everytime I just walk out, it's because of you? I'm sick of having to listen to all your bullshit... so just back off for once in your life. I get that you and my father went through a lot of tough times... but you don't know what I'm going through either... You want me to get a good education, you want me to be able to support myself, you say -- well I have a lot more to deal with then I measly, low income job right now... like my depression for one.

    Did you know that I started cutting again? No, course not -- how could you? You don't care in the slightest. You know that today was the first time I've cut in almost 6 months? Of course you didn't...You've never noticed... none of you ever have. My depression has gone to all new heights, but you never notice or care or do anything but sit on that stupid couch and nag at everyone. But hey... You never even noticed my scars, so why should I be surprised? You've never given a second thought to anyone but yourself... and I'm sick of it... I'm sick of being made to feel like a piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe... I'm sick of you pushing me farther and farther into my own private hole....

    I'm just so sick of you telling me what to do. I grew up without a mother, and for all I care -- without a father. That man who sired me -- he's never done anything for me. He gave me food, and clothes. He never gave me attention. Never gave me affection. To him, everything I do is wrong -- and now, apparently, that's all I do in your eyes as well. But maybe that's a sign... maybe I am just pathetic... maybe I should just leave and break off all contact with the family... I doubt any of you would notice anyways. You take, and you take, and you take -- that's all any of you ever do.

    They Say Blood is Thicker Than Water... But I disagree... Sure, in the scientific world it is... but in reality... it's not. Family is just an endearment for backstabbing, manipulative, liars... Family, Blood, means nothing... Lineage doesn't make a family... Trust, love, acceptance, loyalty, and faith make family. And as far as I'm concerned, and ever will be, you aren't family and haven't been for nearly 8 years...

    Maybe that means I should stop coming over to your house... I think that's a good idea... and I think that's all I can do right now... because I don't want to relapse into my depression all over again because of you and everything that you put on me...


    Today was the first time in nearly 6 months that I've cut myself... and I feel even worse than I had before I decided to hurt myself... My uncle has been getting on my nerves about getting a job... my dad is constantly griping at me about that too... My best friend ditched me for his other friend, because I couldn't get into words how i felt... He knew I was on the verge of harming myself, and yet he couldn't seem to care enough to keep talking to me... I'm at a loss, and all I want is for this to just end... but I don't know how to... No -- I know how... but I'm too much of a coward to do it... but what does it matter if I do or not? No one would even notice I was gone until they needed someone to bitch at...

  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're hurting, and that no one around you seems to care or help.

    I can tell you that you are welcome here. That this a good place and a safe place. We'll listen to you.

    You can post your frustrations, hurts and worries here, you won't be condemned or judged.

    There are lots of people here who are either currently in a similar situation, or have been. They can understand better than someone who hasn't (and it seems like your family hasn't)

    We're just people helping each other get through another day.

    You cut? There's an entire section of this forum dedicated to SI. Myself, I've never cut - but I have a bedroom door that's splintered, and my knuckles are finally free of scabs. My family suggest that I hit a pillow when I'm angry. They don't understand that it's not just anger, it's something I can't define, and that a pillow, or boxing gloves won't help, I need the impact and the pain. My therapist says its SI, My psych calls it SM - self mutilation. Whatever. It's pretty clear that there are a lot of people who don't understand, but we do.
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