They should go to hell

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DancingWithTheDevil, Feb 18, 2014.

  1. So.. usually, if you don't want something you don't get it right? And if you suddenly.. got something out of surprise and don't want it you usually throw it away, right? Well.. if so, then I question the logic of "my parents" when "mum" was pregnant with me. They never wanted me and probably regret that they didn't abort me. Hell, when I was a baby they tried to abandon me but for whatever reason they came back.. probably so they don't hurt the family image. I don't know. If they at least would've treated me like an invisible child.. someone they never cared about. Well they did when I was quiet in my room. But then there were 2 reasons why I got visible somehow: My father got drunk (which happened quiet often) or I dressed like a girl. Hell, already as a child I was more interested in female clothes instead of male clothes. But yeah, my parents showed 0 tolerance and well.. I got beat up as always. It was either me or my brother who got violated. Sometimes even my mum. I am actually the only one who ever fought back against this fat piece of shit calling himself "my father". I mean I was only 6 or 7 years old and he was a lot stronger but hell I kicked him in the balls and he was laying on the floor. That time I still felt sorry for him. But that pity has faded. As much as my nice personality has. I used to be nice to everyone and just wanted the world to be a better place. But when I got into middle school I realized that nice people only get used and bullied. So did I.. got filmed in the WC secretly and blackmailed that way so I would do everything they want. I tried to trust a teacher.. I talked to one and he promised me to do something without them finding out, but he never ever did. School was hell. Home was hell. Dreams were hell. Could never be myself. Never had the chance to express myself. I always walked around with a mask.. since I was a child. I am probably one of the biggest liars that exist. Why? Because I always lie.. 24/7. To others and to myself. The smiles I fake. The times I say I feel happy. The times I say I stopped smoking. All the times I said I was at school while I was out and smoked and hung out with my friend because I couldn't take the stress at the moment.

    <Mod Edit: Threatening to harm others>


    To hell with both of them!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Ypu need to get some help. If you are actually being abused by your parents then talk to counselors at school, a dr office or the police. I did not see anything you had mentioned that qualified as abuse so much as you did not like the way they acted or thought you should act. So it seems you are wishing great harm on other people (who happen to be your parents but that really is not overly important) and consdering harming them because you do not like them? The you certainly need professional if this is the case, because there is no good end result of this line of thought that ends with either you harmed or dead , or others. While I can completely understand wanting nothing to do with parents since I left home the day I finished school and have spoken to my parents less than 10 times in nearly 30 years since, that is very different from blaming and wanting to "punish".

    If you want to get on with life without the interference of your parents instead you might want to try to attend school instead of skipping it , finish school as soon as possible to graduate and move out and move away and just have them out of your life. Doing things to make your future more difficult is not going to "teach them a lesson" - it is going to make your life more difficult and make you need to rely on them when there is no legal reason to do so .....instead plan and work towards leaving as soon as legally possible and continuing your life without them in it.
     
  3. Not being abused anymore because I scared them too much. But I can remember the times where they made every day hell for me. They are the reason I have a broken childhood and a broken teenage. They are pretty much the reason why my best time and probably only good time of life was full of shit. They destroyed my life among with many others. But the difference from others is: They don't go. They are always here. Always here to behave like one hell of a piece of shit. I can't even be myself under their all-controlling eyes. I mean I don't fear them but wtf am I supposed to do if they disown me? I can't get a home, I can't earn money to eat I can't do shit actually. I can't even hide anything from them.. for them nothing seems private. My mum may call it "cleaning" but in fact she just searched through every corner and every possible thing where some things may be in in my room. Everytime my mum just goes for cleaning I have to fear she will find my well hidden things once.. though I have hidden them in things where she would never even consider that I would be smart enough to hide stuff in there. Well, you were wrong dear "mother". As long as I don't let anyone else enter my home, especially my room, I think it will work out well. At least till I can move out.

    I think you don't understand how it is when you're breaking because there is no place where you can be yourself. When you ALWAYS have to wear a mask 24/7. I always have to live under the fear that if someone finds out more about me I will be in trouble. It's anxiety that troubles me day through night. I even hide my cigs because my parents would kill me if they found out I'm smoking. But yeah.. I thought people here would understand but I guess at the end I am just in another forum where the only goddamn solution seems "professional help". Goddamn those psychatrists.. they are just liars. Their job consists of acting like they would do something special but the only thing they do is listen to you and act like they would help you while it's actually Doctors who test your personality and give you the medication that just makes you stupid. But hell, every idiot can do that. You don't even need to study psychology for that kinda job as you just need to say things everyone says. I had my first psychatrist when I was 6 years old, aggression problems and yet don't help. The only thing they have done is make me hurt myself instead of others. They couldn't heal my depression for 10 holy goddamn years. Of course I did switch a lot of times and I'm getting sick of repeating the same old story so many times. I'm getting sick of professional help. Especially since my friend almost went for suicide because of a psychatrist I breed nothing but hate for them.

    Probably the only solution to be happy is the eradication of intelligence. Because dumb people seem to be happy. But I never see intelligent people that are happy.

    But professional help never solves problems. It never did. At least not for me. Glad if it did help you. But I'm not you.

    I am tired of faking myself.. why can't I be myself in this world? Why do I need to fake myself? Why is this world so cruel to the ones who are different? Is it such a sin to be different.. so that we get punished this much?

    I can't say a god is punishing me no.. it's these incompatible homo sapiens.. typical people with nothing more than a 2 digit IQ. I've lost my faith in god.. it seems the only things that exist are the devils and hell. Who knows.. maybe I already am in hell, at least it seems so. Mabye the demons are the voice in my head and those I see in my dreams. Those who grab my lungs and press them till I loose my breath.

    Have you ever been feeling pain in dreams? I did, a lot. Just another case today. I saw this man and he just grabbed the sides of my chest and pressed them together, but it felt like a giant hand was holding my anorexic body and pressing my bones together. "Why the hell are you so thin, brother? What happened to you?!". Or the times the demons take control over me and I loose control over myself.. that's the moments where my hands stop to follow my commands and just grab my neck and choke me till my body stops working completely.. when it serves no one's command.

    Edit: Just another fun fact about the dream I mentioned.. the man that pressed my body.. he was the same devil I saw once outside of my dreams. And don't tell me I'm imagining things.. my friends saw him aswell.. we all saw him. He appeared out of nowhere in right before our eyes. And his eyes were piercing my soul and my body seemed paralyzed. I couldn't even run away before I suddenly felt to loose control over myself.. probably that's where my instincts saved me. He appeared out of nowhere and disappeared back into this nowhere.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2014
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Dancing - I can relate to a lot of what you write, and I believe you. I understand what you must be feeling inside and about your dreams and your waking vision. I just ask that you can accept to believe that this is not the end of how life can be for you. Your future will not be just the same as the past has been, once some re-booting has taken place. Thank you for having the courage to write here on SF - I know that a part of you still knows that life can be different for you, and you are tryingto find it,and that is very commendable. A lot of the reason why intelligent people are no -.........
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    (something happens in these boxes that stuffs up the typing!)......... to continue on: A lot of the reason that intelligent people don't appear to be happy is that they are probably relying upon their own intelligence too much, and part of them knows that they don't really know either but can get by nonetheless. True happiness can still be changeable according to circumstances, but joy is something deeper that endures for longer and has nothing to do with intelligence. It's a function of a different faculty that is approached in a different way :) PM me if you'd like to, I will always listen and encourage :)