This December is going to be ten years since I lost my mother. I was eleven at the time. I was already an emotionally vulnerable kid - I had undiagnosed autism and ADHD; I was questioning the Christian faith I was raised with; plus I was just starting puberty and starting to suffer from gender dysphoria - and I didn't have the words to comprehend these concepts. She died just a few days before Christmas and I feel that part of me died with her. I'm not sure that I've ever really experienced happiness since that age. I developed severe anxiety and depression that caused me to miss most of four years of school. My Dad said it was a miracle that I actually made it into university. He didn't exactly help a lot because he was very hard on me throughout my teens, telling me that I was lazy and had a bad attitude when I felt like I was struggling for my very existence. I have no idea how I managed to get this far, but now I feel like I'm not going any further. I've seen many counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors who've prescribed me the same useless CBT and counselling over and over again. I've tried a few types of antidepressants that were similarly useless. It took years of my own research and self-exploration to start to figure out what my problems even are. A lot of people told me they wanted to help but nobody has ever really helped me other than providing temporary comfort or distraction. People beg me not to kill myself and give me false hope that it's going to get better, but then they do nothing to help me deal with the reasons why I want to kill myself. I always feel like maybe I'm starting to reach the point that maybe I will start to recover. But my problems never really go away, they just change shape. For example, I'm taking sertraline right now, but it just makes me feel mostly empty rather than mostly sad. Or I stopped having daily panic attacks, and started having daily suicidal thoughts instead. It's been so long that I don't even know what kind of person I'd be without the depression. As it stands I'm a completely empty person. I was planning to have graduated by now, but instead I'm 'taking a break' from being a student to work on my mental health because I was failing my degree, and all I do now is sit around on the sofa all day using the internet as a distraction. Whenever I try to pull myself out of a slump, it only works for a little while before it gets too much and I shut down and go back to being a mess again. I don't really have a source of income right now and I'm not sure when I'm going to hit the point that I actually run out of money, but it's going to happen unless I somehow become a functional human being again. I got here by going on Google and looking up suicide methods. I just want the pain to stop and for things to get better. But I don't know if they ever can. I feel like I might just be permanently broken at this point.