They will feel relief when im gone?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kath, Nov 20, 2007.

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  1. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    im not trying to say here that the actions of suicide do not cause great pain or do not create a whole well of loads of emotions in those left behind.I do not want to in anyway try to minimise the pain caused by suicide or seem to be belittling that in anyway.I know and accept those things.Thing is though see one of the things i think about a lot at the moment and cant get out of my mind is that perhaps people will also feel a sense of relief when im gone.Not just cos im a bad person and all that.It seems deeper than that.But i cant quite put my finger on it.Especially with things how they are at present I just cant help feeling that whoever knew about it in life [or found out at some point] wouldnt be able to help feeling a sense of relief.But as i say not just cos im a bad person etc which is part of it.But its more than that.I just cant explain it.I just think people wouldnt be able to help feeling a sense of relief when id gone as well as whatever else they may be feeling as well.This post is badly written but i know what i mean and i had to write it.Even if for no replies I had to get my thoughts out on paper for myself.I couldnt process it all in my mind.Sorry.
  2. riz

    riz Senior Member

    Dont' be sorry Kath.

    I know this feeling. It's as if you're causing a burden to everyone around you, even if no one acknowleges it.

    I have to say though, it's not true. If you were gone, I don't think there would be anyone that could say truthfully that they feel relieved in any way. You were right when you said that suicide causes pain to everyone around you, but remember. You are not an exception to this fact.

    Take care hunny. Stay safe.

    With love,
  3. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I've been feeling the exact same thing about myself Kath, so I have an idea of where you're coming from. I think at least people will know that it's over once and for all, and that they won't have the possibility of my suicide hanging over their head any more.
  4. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

  5. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    You are not alone in feeling like this,i also feel the same way.
  6. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.i am glad im not alone but this is how it is for me right now.
  7. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the replies.They each mean a lot to me.i know im not alone.

    I guess that doesnt make it easy or simple to do though.....but then i dont do easy or simple anyhow.
  8. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Sorry didnt realise i responded only half an hour ago saying a similar thing.Sorry.I have memory problems at the own fault.I only realised when i saw it.
  9. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    You are really encouraging kath. I thought I was alone in thinking this way.

    My family cannot cope with the suicidal thoughts and attempts I make. They simply do not want to know about my bipolar disorder or hospitalisations.

    My employer wonders from week to week whether I will be there but he cant sack me and get someone more reliable cause when I am there I am good at my job.

    I cause pain to my close friends as one minute I want them and am sociable, the next I isolate myself, take the phone off the hook and never leave my flat for weeks at a time and 'drop off the planet'.

    You are not alone!!
  10. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey thanks for your message.It helps to know im not alone.Sorry what am i encouraging?I hope its nothing wrong.....except for for myself.

    You know i see the people around me hurting,the probleems i cause and i sit here thinking you know maybe people should just tell me to get it together and stop them hurting then and maybe thats what i should tell myself too.i tell myself often.

    i should be able to stop them hurting cos i shouldnt need/want to die.......i shouldnt have this feeling......but i do.

    Not many know what is going on in my situation or certainly no idea of the extent of it......but you see right now i see people hurting so much....the people i care about.....and i see me doing it.....and its my fault.....I just.....i couldnt have caused more harm to people if id succeeded in killing myself out right.

    I tried to live and made a mess of it......and now ive hurt them more than if id just clear cut managed to dragging it hoping things would trying to grip trying to hold it........then by doing it slowly cos i needed to be made to suffer and not having the courage to just topple off this very wobbly edge once and for all after trying suicide in the normal way a few times and getting so close but yet so far....failing again..........its hurt them so much more than it could ever of done everywise.......thats how i feel right now.

    This has hurt people more than if id just gone.If id just managed to go.Managed to get it right cleanly.

    I want to say now has to be the time.But will i have the courage?The courage one day to go that little bit further.....

    Jeez im even sick of saying it.What a failure.What a sick failure.Saying is not good enough anymore.

    I urge myself on

    I urge myself on.

    I urge myself on........To die.

    I urge myself on........I taunt myself with the fact that im not yet dead.

    I hold it out in front of me.Like a dangling rat.And tease myself with it.

    Taunt myself.

    Its like someone holding a scarf or something and waving it around and a cat trying to grip at it.I feel thats what its like with me and death.

    i feel like im chasing death......and i wont end up living [it isnt possible really] but whether i live or die i know that in my eyes id always see myself as a bad person now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2007
  11. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey sorry.i forgot i was just trying to edit the above post for a word or something when i went off on another sort of trail.Sorry.i forgot.Hope it makes sense.
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I think it's easier to think that your death will bring relief to others than to acknowledge that your actions will actually ruin lives. I think it's an excuse to do what you feel is inevitable. I personally love someone who is suicidal, and I can tell you that despite all of those middle-of-the-night calls about ending their life and the toll that they take on me, I could not live without this person and any help or support I can and must give is absolutely worth keeping that person alive for just 1 more day.
  13. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i know my actions will ruin lives.

    Why do people think im sat here in all this pain and have been sat here in quite some growing pain for a long period of time?

    Perhaps ive done/am doing my best.
  14. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Maybe one day i'll stop doing my best and whatever happens will happen.

    AT least then i wont be able to constantly hear those around me saying im not doing good enough or constantly implying that to me.

    Thank Godness, i wont be able to hear them anymore.
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