'they' win

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Knightless, Sep 17, 2009.

  1. Knightless

    Knightless Member

    My therapist did warn me that the only way for me to get better is to just fall apart and drop all barriers and stuff like that and basically get worse, so here it goes.

    My summer has been a failure. No jobs around, no opportunities. No place wanted to give me an internship. No real friends or family left. I've finally got the message that no one wants me living with them. By the way, I don't talk this way in real life. I have never dragged anyone down with me, but other people have dragged me down. That's irony as here I am on this forum, while they have normal lives. Anyway, I have basically nothing and no one. And I don't have myself coz I haven't been 'me' for over 10 years. And before even my family tells me I was doing odd things. The mind boggles why they never got me any help. Anyway, what's done is done.

    Until May 08 I had at least some false hope to get me up. The false feeling that things would get better. But I lost everything that month, and that should have been my turning point, but somehow I hung on, which was a mistake. I don't know how I got up for work and carried on - seriously! The 'me' of September 09 couldn't do it, meaning I am worse.

    So I have given up the 'fight'. 'They' have beaten me down to my lowest point. I blame myself for being such a weakling, but I now admit that I have lost it. I am not gonna go to therapy or anything, or talk to people about stuff. Right now I'm done with people in general, am becoming more withdrawn from all games. And I've learned that normal people get a kick out of playing games. I don't care. My plan now is to keep on pulling back and (hopefully) start over. I mean there is no point trying to build a palace on a landfill site.

    I wouldn't advise anyone else to let themselves break like I am. I've just run out of patience and don't care for anything anymore. It's probably got a lower chance of success than therapy and all that, but it's a risk I'm not scared to take. Either I'll get better or worse, but at least I am being proactive and not waiting.

    I first posted on this site in 2007 the week when someone I know cleaned me out without telling. So I moved for a new life and had nothing. Boy, that set me back. Good times ... Might have posted once last year around May. Back again this summer lol. No offence, but I don't want to have to come back here later this year, or in 2010 or 11 or ever. I come here at my weakest. I hope that one day I come back and look at my posts and say that I've overcome my difficulties not through luck, or other people, or anything external, but that I did it myself - as myself.

    As the living version of all definitions of the word 'Outsider', I was surprised to find a place on the internet where I almost fit in. 2 years man. I hope all posters get over their respective difficulties and become well enough to not have to post here. It's not right how so many posters get let down by society and kill themselves. So many situations could have been avoided often by the littlest things in life. This fucking world overall isn't very nice. It won't change, but hopefully it's possible to deal with it better. To live in it better.

    And I would recommend that people listen to the album 'Ghosts' by Siobhan Donaghy. It hasn't helped me get better or anything, but it makes me temporarily feel almost how good life SHOULD be. It's a reminder of what I want, as well as a reminder of what I never really had.

    And a quote that sums me up:
    "I failed you. I wish there were another way for me to say it. I cannot. I can only beg your forgiveness, and pray you hear me somehow, someplace... someplace where a warm hand waits for mine." - Mr Freeze
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Ok I get that, and obviously if you don't want to talk you won't. But quite a lot of stuff that you said has made me want to know more, so I'm going to ask some questions anyway, and if you don't want to reply, that's fine.

    That's really got me curious - what do you mean?

    And you talk about being the living version of the 'Outsider' - having a good awareness of all variations literary and otherwise about being an outsider, I am guessing at all sorts of feelings of alienation and being 'different' and would really like to know how you're coping feeling like that.

    Hmm sorry I think I'm being pushy and nosey here. Maybe I'd better stop.