they win

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Feb 1, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    when the thoughts come and i have difficulties breathing i feel like they win, they have won again.

    it makes me angry, with them and myself.

    what are the answers for removing the memories, the physical feelings and the emotional thoughts of guilt, disgust and shame?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know exactly as this feels and vowed to not let my rapist win by me finding a way to be takes work with a wise professional and the bravery to look at what happened and put it in the background...I think we never forget, but we do not have to live continuously like a victim...please PM me if I can help you in any way as I truly understand...big hugs and wishing you find a way to feel whole again, J
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thanks sadeyes
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    i dont know what to say but i know i have to say something.

    my mind, the images, are driving me crazy. how can they hold so much power after so many years? why do i let them?

    and when i feel like im okay, am moving on, they crawl back into consciousness. i am tired of struggling with it. im tired of having let it happen to me. because of the history, was i set up for this to happen from my younger days anyhow? how could i have been so blind? and why did i not just run? how did i let myself be controlled in such a way?

    what was i looking for? what, really, was i looking for? what was it that i felt i needed? an escape? always running, always.

    im tired of it. just tired and worn out.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What you went through was horrific and it does take time and work to seperate your present from the past...this is not a sign of weakness nor your fault...please be compassionate to have been through enough and nothing you wanted or asked for...J
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Sadeyes -

    thank you. im in this hole i cant seem to climb out of. sometimes the effort to get out doesnt seem worth it when i fall back down and its just difficult at this time.
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    first youve got to stop blaming yourself, trying to come up with ways for it to not have happened, unfortunately it did happen, it was not your fault though.

    Men that use forced sex have some issues themselves, and unfortunately it wil stay with you for the rest of your life.

    The way that I control memories, is when they come up I will try to think of something happy right away, do not over analize what happened, that will drive you to stress and anxeity.

    I know this is easier said than done, but have you thought of using a rubberband to stop the memories, once you get one pop yourself with a rubberband, I do this alot to control my thoughts, sometimes it works and sometimes it dont.

    Ive come to terms (if you can ever really do that) with what happened, I know that HE did this to me, that I didnt do anything to bring it on and couldnt have done anything to stop it. Please know that for yourself to.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thanks doityourself

    i know, logically, my thoughts are incorrect. its hard to change them right now. as i said i thought i was past all of this. i think thats what frustrates me. i do try not to focus, to change my thoughts. theres just a lot going on for me. im at my breaking point. considering a leave from work etc. i just cant handle everything right now.
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Yea I know it can take over, what would you do if you took time off of work? Be careful because if you dont have to go to work would you stay in bed? That may give you time to think things over way to much.

    Have you thought more of a group therapy, being able to open up about these things to someones face helped me the most, being able to actually have the words come out of my mouth and for someone to be there to listen helped, to have someone hug me and say its okay to feel the way you do (bc it is), hug me and say you know what you will get past this, you can do it. Not saying it made it all go away, but it helped.

    If you do take a week off, what plans would you have, could you go somewhere, do something fun, try something new?
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so this may be tmi - but i was intimate with my partner recently. it had been a while. all the memories and physical pain and thoughts from my ex rushed my mind. it was so confusing. and my partner really is the one person who has been there for me, believed in me... why did this happen?

    its started me on this negative spiral since and i thought or i knew i was doing better. now im back to square one it seems and am so frustrated.

    i just cant seem to get a grip on myself.
  11. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    But you are getting a grip on yourself, you are recognising things arent right, thats the first step.
    There are ways of dealing with this and living a content life.
    Memories will never leave you, ever. However when you come to terms with the fact it was not your doing, that it is better to let go and love yourtself again, then the healing process can begin.
    For me, i got out there, decided that the people who had hurt me would not win.
    Yes, im back again in a difficult period of my life, but hey, i have tomorrow to have another go at it.
    Turn the pages, the old ink will still bleed through, so keep turning. One day you will be happy with that new page, then you can write the next chapter yourself.
    Beauty comes from within, let that shine out, love yourself and others.
    Forgiveness really is the key, firstly for yourself and then for others.
    Not the acts that hurt you so much, but perhaps the people who did.
    I say this, because by carrying hate and anger, you damage only one person, yourself.
    I have found replacing anger and hate with pity and touch of contempt, far more powerful as far as the healing process goes.
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    me, myself & I -

    thank you

    i feel at times though its one huge self pity party. that frustrates me more. oh i dont know, im just going around and around in circles, tired of doing so - you know?
  13. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    its when you realise that its you throwing your own pity party, thats when its time to do someting about it.
    Wallow a bit yeah, thats ok, its called licking your own wounds.
    Go and find your partner, tell him how much you love him, feel his arms around you and your heart, give him it back. That can help heal too............
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    no, cant wallow.

    and ive tried the other but its a difficult situation right now.

    thanks, appreciate your time.
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