They've taken my means

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chocolate Heartache, Mar 4, 2012.

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  1. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    My psychiatrist has realised that I'm much more risky than I was a few weeks ago, since my career imploded. I'm now back on daily checks, the psych nurse who came round yesterday took all my potential means of ending my life (which I guess I deserve for keeping all my eggs in one basket and all my pills in one box.)

    I'm really struggling, knowing that my way out has gone and it's going to take so long to rebuild such a collection.

    The HTT have also started faffing with the decisions made by my consultant psychiatrist - disagreeing with his diagnosis and using their own, telling me that the drugs I'm on won't work and therapy will just help me to function better in society - i.e. I'm never going to feel better, so they're focussing on making me act normal.

    I think, if they'd told me that and left me with the means to end my life, I would probably have done it last night or this morning. I have nothing here that's reliable enough to actually kill me, not to just leave me more disabled. Right now I don't have the motivation to scrape myself off the sofa and go and buy everything again, and find somewhere I can keep it hidden from the HTT.

    Sigh. Of all the problems in the world it sounds pretty pathetic, it's just another reason for me to feel crappy and be stuck here waiting.
  2. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Where are you exactly, in a hospital? At least there's someone to watch over you if you're that much of a risk to yourself, it's good that you're getting help.

    I wouldn't put too much weight on the drugs though. In my experience and I think the general consensus is that prescription anti depressants don't do much because they don't treat the root cause of depression, it only covers up the symptoms by taking away your ability to feel, like sweeping dirt under a rug. The dirt is still there, it's just covered up with a dirty rug now. I think some people become too dependent on drugs and come to see them as the one and only solution when it's not.

    You should give the alternative therapy a try and see how it goes, like they say don't knock it 'til you've tried it. You kind of make it sound like behavioral therapy which I had some of in middle school when I was in BI, I think it helped me a little, because they teach you calming techniques, how to approach people, talk about your problems etc. Who knows, it might help you and that's reason enough to give it a chance. Maybe it's what you need instead of pills which are way over prescribed. Pill for this, pill for that, pill for this, pill for that - I'll take face to face therapy over pills any day.

    What happened with your career that's making you so depressed?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2012
  3. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    I'm still at home, getting daily visits from the Crisis Resolution & Home Treatment Team (sometimes it's a psych nurse, sometimes it's a nursing assistant) and seeing my psychiatrist again next week. I've been out today to restock some of the things they took, but living in the middle of nowhere some of them are poor substitutes and I don't feel confident that what I've got here is really a reliable end. It's going to take time to sort this out properly.

    I don't have a therapist - they haven't decided what sort of therapy I should be having, then they're going to put me on a waiting list. I know drugs aren't going to cure me, they can't change what's happened to me, but they do help me feel less anxious and reduce my flashbacks, and I'd got my hopes pinned that they might get me through this wait for therapy, and maybe get me stable enough to be able to talk about what happened without just breaking down every time I think about it. At the moment my life is constantly about distracting me from my past.

    I'm stuck in a vicious cycle with my work. I'm a junior doctor, and through med school and the first 18 months of work I'd given up most of the rest of my life. I don't dance, or paint, or play music any more, I just study and go to work and do audit projects. From August through to the beginning of December I was in a job I really loved and I was good at, working on the local psych ward, and in November I applied for specialist training (November of the second year post-graduation is when everyone chooses their speciality.) But I'd been doing a lot of extra shifts on the psych ward, because I loved it and because I was strapped for cash and they were struggling to fill the on-call rota, so I finished that rotation absolutely exhausted. About a fortnight into my next rotation in December I had a nervous breakdown, and I haven't been able to go back since, so I've lost my place on the specialist training programme, and Occupational Health have declared me not fit to work. Because work was pretty much all I had going for me, I'm really struggling to find reasons to recover or even carry on living. There's a chance I can resit this year, and apply again next year for the training programme, but now that they're talking about changing my diagnosis to Borderline Personality that becomes ever less likely, because there's no way the Occupational Health department here would allow a Borderline to work as a doctor, especially not in psychiatry (I don't believe that's right or fair, but that's the way it works - I was already on thin ice because I use a wheelchair) and the more distressed I become about it, the more convinced they become that I'm Borderline. This evening's Crisis worker wouldn't talk about anything else.

    I can't carry on like this. If I can't be a doctor there's nothing I'm any good for, and no-one to care if I died. I'm sure I sound melodramatic and attention-seeking but in the last couple of months no-one's even noticed that I haven't been around, and they'd probably be better off without me.
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