I knew the moment that he put his hands on my shoulders and tried to kiss me that this was not going to end well for me. Why did I not run? I said no. I said stop. And he kept on pressuring me, forcing himself against me and insisting that we go back to my apt. I knew better. Every cell in my body was screaming run! And I froze. I obeyed. I let him come over. I have not forgiven myself for that, even now, 13 years later. He kept pushing, grabbing my arm forcing his way in. I wondered if he was going to kill me. Why didn't I scream? Why did I do nothing? I was so intimidated. So unable to stop him. It all just happened so fast. He hit me. Pushed me on top of my bed. And I froze again. I watched him rip my skirt and underwear off of me like it was all in slow horrific motion, and I was screaming inside and nothing was coming out. And then he started asking me if I liked it, if it felt good, he wanted me to talk to him while he was raping me, encourage him almost. I remained silent. I felt dead inside. The panic and fear was gone after he was inside me, tearing me in two, my legs went numb, he collapsed on top of me, i can still remember the smell of alcohol and sweat, then he rolled over and just laid there and then forced my head down and I tried to fight something snapped, i tried to stop him, but he was enraged by my resistance and he hit me hard on the face and shoved his< Edit mod total eclipse triggering> I couldn't breathe. He was so angry, like a crazy wild beast, and I was just this object he was going to hurt, abuse and use for his own pleasure. I was no longer human, I do not like what I have become because of just one night and one man and one moment where i couldn't protect myself, where the little girl in me who had been hurt many years before took over and just left me to die in his hands. Today, i often think that I am trying to finish the job that my rapists never did, kill the body because they already killed my soul.