Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by swimmergirl, Jan 4, 2013.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I knew the moment that he put his hands on my shoulders and tried to kiss me that this was not going to end well for me. Why did I not run? I said no. I said stop. And he kept on pressuring me, forcing himself against me and insisting that we go back to my apt. I knew better. Every cell in my body was screaming run! And I froze. I obeyed. I let him come over. I have not forgiven myself for that, even now, 13 years later. He kept pushing, grabbing my arm forcing his way in. I wondered if he was going to kill me. Why didn't I scream? Why did I do nothing? I was so intimidated. So unable to stop him. It all just happened so fast. He hit me. Pushed me on top of my bed. And I froze again. I watched him rip my skirt and underwear off of me like it was all in slow horrific motion, and I was screaming inside and nothing was coming out. And then he started asking me if I liked it, if it felt good, he wanted me to talk to him while he was raping me, encourage him almost. I remained silent. I felt dead inside. The panic and fear was gone after he was inside me, tearing me in two, my legs went numb, he collapsed on top of me, i can still remember the smell of alcohol and sweat, then he rolled over and just laid there and then forced my head down and I tried to fight something snapped, i tried to stop him, but he was enraged by my resistance and he hit me hard on the face and shoved his< Edit mod total eclipse triggering> I couldn't breathe. He was so angry, like a crazy wild beast, and I was just this object he was going to hurt, abuse and use for his own pleasure. I was no longer human, I do not like what I have become because of just one night and one man and one moment where i couldn't protect myself, where the little girl in me who had been hurt many years before took over and just left me to die in his hands. Today, i often think that I am trying to finish the job that my rapists never did, kill the body because they already killed my soul.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2013
  2. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Hi Swimmergirl, I'm very sorry this has happened to you and if I lived near you I'd help you hunt down this monster and give him what he deserves. I'm sorry that our society allows scum like him walk our streets instead of being locked up and doesn't give girls/women the tools to deal with such animals.

    If you don't mind me suggesting, I'd recommend seeing a therapist to help overcome these terrible experiences and also to take self-defence classes. Also depending on the laws in your state, it might help to carry a gun or pepper-spray, something to protect yourself. Just know that for every psycho out there, there are good people like myself who have nothing but respect and admiration for women. I have sisters also, so I have idea of what women have to go through in life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2013
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