Thing is this...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Freya, Feb 26, 2013.

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  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    ... I hate my body.

    It is not a love hate relationship - it is a hate hate relationship. I have read all the books; I understand the basic principle of loving yourself and caring for yourself and finding some sort of a peace with what god gave you etc.

    But I hate my body.

    I have hated my body since my mother first told me as a very small child that I could not have dancing lessons like my friends because, at the age of five, I was too fat. (I understand now that dancing lessons were expensive and that we could hardly afford heating much less ballet lessons, but from that point on I understood myself to be fat.) And so, from an early age, I understood my body to be a problem - to be the reason that I could not do the things my friends were doing.

    I did not grow up in the healthiest of environments from a body image perspective - it is not important what or why - but the older I got the more I hated my body. I hated it when it was thin - I hate it now that it is obese. I hate how it looks. I hate the fact that it does not bend the way it should. I hate the lack of strength and flexibility. I hate my skin - how pale it is and how easily it marks. I hate my pathetic lungs.

    I hate my body.

    So how does this relate to self harm? I do not cut or burn or any of the "normal" things. But I have starved my body to a point that the term anorexia was being thrown around by the people close to me. I have since overeaten to the point that I fear I may have passed the point that I can 'fix' it. I have waves where I do not take the thyroid medication I need to not put on yet more weight. I starve and overfeed it in cycles - without ever really giving it the nutrition it needs. And everything I do to it makes me hate it more.

    Not really sure what I am expecting anyone to say about that :/
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    To be fair to you, I am not going to write a dissertation on my body issues, but suffice it to say, I do understand hating how I look and wanting to be in any body, just about, other than mine...hope you find a reasonable envelop to put your lovely soul...and remember, you have the strength of muscle that counts the most, your kindness and spirit...with deep understanding
  3. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    I also have a difficult relationship with my body and taking care of it.

    I hate my wobbly bits. I hate my stretch marks. I hate my spots. I hate my double chin. I hate my sweat glands. I hate my hairy-where-a-woman-shouldn't-be bits. I hate my bulges. I hate my slouches. I hate my split ends and damaged hair that I can't bear to cut even though its needed it for about two years. I hate my gripes. I hate my limitations. I hate my scars.

    I also go through cycles of overeating, and starvation; excessive grooming, and neglect; SHing and then disregard.

    For me its not quite the same; its not because of those body issues that I struggle with concepts of taking care of myself. I have been told that I am ugly, and androgynous, and too fat, and not 'firm' enough, but I know when I am well and healthy these things, while they make me sad, do not make me passively SH in these kinds of ways. For me it is entirely emotional; as in emotional control.

    And I think the only combat is both the easiest and the most difficult thing in the world to cultivate: healthy habits.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I understand how you're feeling, because I also hate my body. I hate pretty much everything about myself. I think overeating or starving yourself are self harm, in a way, because you are harming yourself. I know because I've done all sorts of things to hurt myself. I don't think it matters though what you look like, because you are a kind person, and that is the most important thing.
  5. f5j23jk2

    f5j23jk2 Well-Known Member

    I hate my body too and have no will to improve everything that would make me feel better, and that is my fault.
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