I’m feeling as though things are coming to an end, but before it does I have to vent my frustrations at the world and the circumstances I’ve been given. It’s pretty personal stuff, but I really need to share it with someone. Nearly five years ago I became a shut in (which started after I graduated high school), and I’ve very rarely been capable of enjoying anything outside my own home. I have social anxiety and depression, and even just getting up in the morning takes a lot of effort. But what really has destroyed my life is the ‘physical shortcomings’ that begun over various moments. In high school I had severe acne, and after graduation rosacea and seb dermatitis (which is basically like having permanently extreme dry/flaky skin, which is as disgusting as it sounds). Since high school I have been using cover-up to hide the red marks, but when the seb dermatitis (or seb derm) started it became nearly impossible for me use the cover-up without it looking obvious. A lot of my acne is under the skin and can be very painful physically, and I’ve tried everything under the sun to treat it. I’ve had to exfoliate my skin every morning to get rid of the flakes, and I’ve never seen my face look clear in the mirror since primary school. The worst part is that everyone would presume that I am unclean or a freak or that I had done something to make it look so bad, but really I’ve just been unlucky. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg unfortunately. In high school I had developed head tremors, I presume as a side effect from the anti-depressant medication I was on, which gets better and worse day by day. At its worst I look like a walking bobble head, which is also something that people think I’m a freak for. I have a not-too-severe stutter that by this point is the least of my problems, but makes phone calls very difficult. I have a very large nose, soI don’t let anybody see my from the side if possible. My face is long , my eyes look intense and creepy and I can’t even bear to picture my own face in my head. Anyway, even one of those things alone would be enough to ruin someone’s life. But the combination of all these things; skin problems, hideous face, stutter, head tremors, just makes it impossible to be around people without them judging or disliking me. When I go outside I feel close to a panic attack, with varying degrees of intensity depending on the situation. No matter what I try to tell myself in my own head or what medication I’ve tried it always feels the same. I can vaguely remember what it was like to be normal and easy-going back in early high school, and most of my days outside are worse than all the bad moments of that year combined. There are a lot of lonely people in the world, but I boldly believe that I am one of the loneliest. Not only am I physically isolated and devoid of romance or friendship, but there are so few people in this world that could empathize with my situation. At most someone might have bad skin like I do, or have a stutter or be a shut in, but how many people have all the things I have? Without exaggeration every day since I’ve become a shut in I’ve felt like everything I do is done alone. Sometimes I read posts on the social anxiety forum, and I can’t help but be judgmental. It just seems like normal people complaining about minor and easily-changeable problems, the like of which I would do anything to trade in my circumstances for. I wish that my only problems were that that I had trouble talking to stranger or making new friends. Anything outside of my own home feels like a nightmare. The hardest part is knowing to myself that I’m much nicer than most people (I’ve become pretty misanthropic in the past year btw), but that most has been given better circumstances than I have. I’ve never believed that that alone makes me deserving of a girlfriend or popularity, but just a genuine chance for normality and a full life. I’ve been crying a lot lately, usually a couple of times a day, and I’m just feeling more and more ashamed and anxious when people see me. Another week or two and I think it’ll be it.