Things are getting worse.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Oct 19, 2010.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am not sure what to do now. Things are getting worse. I am not sure how I can cope with all these feelings of wanting to self harm. The thoughts of ending it all are coming back in to my head. I don't know why. Nothing is going on. I have still not heard anything from this organisation I was put in contact with. I know the nurse man said I know where he is if I need anything but I don't know what to say to him. Also I am worried as I filled in a survey thing through uni for the chance to win some money and I have been asked to go in and talk about my answers with a PHD student in Psychiatry. Not sure what it will involve. What it is. I am not sure if I have to. I have just had an email asking me to go in and talk to them. Am I that screwed up?

    I removed some stitches today from my leg. I know I shouldn't be doing it myself but I can't keep going to see the nurse every week to have stitches removed and then explaining myself. One of the reasons I drink after I have self harmed is so I can cope with the hospital better. I can't deal with people asking me questions about it but then at the same time I know unless I do start giving answers I am not going to get the help that I need. But then I worry about having to go in to hospital, it ruining my chances on my course and of course people finding out what is really going on in my head.

    I wont obvisously discuss methods on here but I am been looking at ways it could be seen as being accidental. I keep thinking about stepping out in to the traffic but then I wouldn't want some poor person thinking that if they could have done anything about it. I am sick of feeling like this. I know I am going to get to that stage soon where I struggle to cope.

    I think I am going to have to ring that nurse man aren't I?
  2. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    I understand how you feel and my best advice to you is occupy your mind on something that you find interesting and whenever you start thinking negative force yourself to think of something else. Positive thinking really helps i promise.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Yes, call the nurse and see if you and he can establish a relationship in which you can find the support you need...big hugs, J
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've still not got around to calling the nurse. I don't want anyone to overhear the conversation and not had anywhere private or the time to go do it. Will probably be Friday now! I am trying to keep my mind occupied by doing uni work but I am feeling as though I don't have the concentration to be doing it. I have to write an essay due in a couple of weeks so I am trying to research that and read through lots of journal articles but the info is not going in at all! I don't know what I am going to do. I can't win with this one. If I am not doing the work then I am feeling bad for not doing it but when I am trying to do it I can't concentrate on it.
  5. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hey GoldenPsych. I do think you need to speak to your nurse, it's what he's there for, and he wants to help you. I think you do need, and quite possibly want, help, but you have to give them the opportunity to do it. You have recognised that you're starting to struggle, so now is the time to ask for help, you shouldn't have to face this alone.

    Have you decided what to do about the questionnaire thing? What kind of questionnaire was it? It doesn't necessarily mean that they want to speak to you because it showed you're screwed up, it might just be that you fit the desired sample for one of their studies. Whatever the reason, they can't make you do anything you don't want to, so don't worry about it, ok?

    I know that you're worried about your course, but I think that if you don't get some help with this your studies are going to suffer anyway. Sometimes you can have a break from your course, so it might be worth speaking to your personal tutor about it. You can explain to the nurse man that you don't want to go into hospital because of uni, and I believe they prefer to avoid that if possible anyway.

    I hope you get some help soon. You deserve it, you shouldn't have to go through this alone. Please keep us updated.

  6. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    If things were that bad in my head I could not cope with washing my teeth let alone doing a uni course, I never went wish I had but hey, good on you for sticking it out. Give the nurse a call you dont have to say stuff you dont wana. and the questionaire, just tell then you were fduking about taking the piss its what they would want to hear let them lap it up you dont have to tell them anything, unless you want to, find the right person and give out as much as you need to lift the burdon. Cant write much now as GF around but will be online most of tomorrow so will check up. And buy some meat, cut that instead, you much better in one piece dude. My mates has to always wear long sleeves t-shirts and now he regrets doing it.
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I didn't call the nuse. I don't know what to say to him.

    I wish I could see him face to face and speak to him. I will possibly try calling tomorrow. I need to psych myself up for it.

    I am using uni as a distraction technique by throwing myself in to study. I am worrying about it but not overly. Just the normal amount of worry you would expect from doing a course. I have made steps to ensure that I don't SH tonight....i have booked a hair appointment for 9am tomorrow so I know I have to be up and not be in hospital tonight getting stitched up.

    It's stupid, I know this is stupid but another reason why I have not done anything over the last couple of days is because I plan on having a really good go at it on Friday when no one is around. I am trying to hold out til then as I know when I finally get to do it next week I will get so much more from doing it. Now, what the hell is all that about!
  8. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Please call your nurse. I know it's hard to know what to say, but he'll be used to that and understand. Just tell him how you're feeling, and I also think you should let him know how bad the SI is.

    With regards to that, I don't think it's stupid at all, as I've done the same thing many times. However, what I have discovered is that it can actually be used in a positive way. For example, I have taken to promising myself that I can cut at night, once I've got everything done. Then, I make sure that I exhaust myself so that I am literally too tired to cut, or at least not too badly because I just don't have the energy! It really does work, at least for me, so perhaps you could try something similar; tell yourself you can cut on Friday, but then invite someone round so you can't do it.

    Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your hair appointment, and call your nurse!

  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I realised today I actually don't like getting my hair done. I hate sitting there worrying what it will come out like. I worry too much.

    It's the weekend now so I can't call him. I will maybe try Monday morning and see if I can get hold of him.

    It's stupid how I am feeling. I am planning on going really bad on Friday as I know I have no one around then and I can have a good go at it. I have not quite resisted all temptation tonight, just a few superficial ones. I wanted to go worse. Somehow I have managed not to knowing that by next Friday I can.

    I have realised today I have had stitches/sutures in my leg for over a month now. My next lot are due out Wednesday so looks as though I may be suture/stitch free for a couple of day before having more.

    On a good note I have done some xmas shopping today. Only for my nephew and still have lots more to go but at least I am getting some organissation going on there!
  10. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I think you should call him first thing on Monday morning and tell him exactly how you're feeling. It's what he's there for and he needs to know.

    It's good that you're getting organised for Christmas; it'll help you worry less, so get that shopping done!

  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hope you can give him a call monday. i'm sure he'd be happy to hear from you. that's what he is there for.

    sending you a big hug. hope you have a good rest of the weekend,

  12. BP#1

    BP#1 Well-Known Member

    BROODING, your cute. And the duck.. It's Brooding season. All the chickens are loosing their feathers..... Do ducks this time a year? Sincerely, Joseph.. PM me.
  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Still not called. I know I need to but I just don't know what to say to him. And, he'll probably just tell me the same stuff as he usually does; lie of the alcohol, it's all about choices etc etc. I am not quite sure what to do really. What is it in me that is managing not to SH as I can wait until Friday to have a really good session. There is obviously something not right in my head. I don't understand me so I don't see how any one else can either!
  14. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Does the nurse know you self harm? That may be a dumb question, but if he can't be in possession of all the facts then he can't give a proper judgement and will to use your words 'tell me the same stuff'.

    You need to be honest with him in order to be honest with yourself.
  15. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Yeah, he knows. He has put me in contact with an organisation that deals with self harm. He knows most of the things that are going on. I know I need to call him but I can't bring myself to do it!
  16. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    You really do just need to blurt it out. I can't believe you're still functioning on a uni course, I know I basically shut my university career down after a while and lived in a total state. It's impressive and worrying to me, have you considered quitting or taking a year out and coming back?
  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You know what you describe sounds like one of the cognitive distortions.. (JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS):!) Mind reading- you assume that people are reacting negativelywhen there is no evidence for this. 2) Fortune -telling: you arbitrairily predict things will turn out badly..
    You need counseling to learn cognitive distortions and coping skills..I wish you luck..
  18. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am using uni as my one thing to hold on to and that is going well in my life. I think if it wasn't for uni I would be back to being suicidal. The thoughts keep popping up and I think about things and making it look like an accident. But, I worked really hard to get on to this Masters and I am trying my hardest not to screw it up. I have only just started on it also (in September) and it is a 2 year course. Because of the nature of the course I am doing I need to try and keep my head in check and not let things get to how they were 2 years ago. It could screw everything up for me. It may get to the stage where I don't care anymore. But at the moment it is the one thing that keeps me going. How I function on it I don't know.

    If I can get some time tomorrow I will try calling and speaking to him. See what he can suggest. I am slightly put off by calling him as I know what he will say etc. Also, the department he works in is not one that can really do much for me as they are not a long term thing. It is basically a dept taht assesses you when you have done something and they pass you on to somewhere else. I think he has only done what he has for me as of my past involvement with the dept and also as of what I do as he doesn't want me getting involved with "services" as could screw up my chances of career.
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