I was born into a dissenting family. I had some happy childhood memories and a grandfather who was wonderful but he died when I was 19. The rest of my family were abusive either physically and/or verbally. In school I was happy until I immigrated to the US when I was 7. I didn't speak the language and didn't have any friends. Any friend I made eventually rejected me. In junior high I suffered from weight gain. That led to a lot of ridicule. I suffered from weight issues all my life. I would lose and gain weight. At 15 the Internet socializing just begun. I "met" some bad characters who took advantage of me. In school I was again ostracized and people kept their distance. When I turned 18 I became attractive and had confidence despite it all. I met someone I loved deeply who also liked me back for a very brief period of time. Then he stopped loving and caring for me. I pursued him and tried to revive the relationship for many years to no avail. I was celibate and single for many years. Almost every man I ever liked or was interested in didn't reciprocate my feelings. I had trouble at work. I continued to struggle with my family. I was isolated and alone. Friends came and went. I moved many times in search of better choices but it is mixed success at best or just failure. I had a good friend who showed me more love and understanding than anyone in my life, but she died of a heart attack. Today there is a pen pal I'd like to meet but don't feel comfortable meeting him until I have lost excess weight. We have exchanged thousands of emails. It is complex. There were periods I just gave up but we always ended up talking again. It is not ideal but at least he treated me the best out of all the men I've known (except my grandfather), as twisted as it sounds. I joined a group that I enjoy socializing with. I thought I had my act together. When the time came to nominate for a higher position within the group, I was rejected. I asked if I did anything wrong, they said no; they're just changing their system. I'm unable to find any place in the world that I can belong to. If I did anything awkward or made an undiplomatic comment to upset anyone, then I really don't know. No one is telling me the truth either. Just today, I sent my best friend a message. She is the only bright light in my life right now. I wasn't aware I was speaking heavy-handedly, but she was offended. She is always understanding and tolerant. So I am just making things worse and I don't even know it. I just make things worse. I try to do better but fail. I keep attracting painful events and people into my life. I don't know how to stop it. I tried. Therapy, spiritual guidance, study human relations, observations, nothing, nothing ever works. I have wanted to die many times but recently I just felt unable to cope with all the problematic family members, business decisions, unstable relationships. I Google suicide and the website that explains suicide methods and statistics are even more depressing than suicide itself. Most suicide attempts fail. I have been praying for a swift, painless death everyday. I am gutless and I'm afraid of pain and blood. My existence or lack thereof won't make a difference in the world at all. I have no regrets. My mother will be well taken care of financially. My best friends will go on. My pen pal, who will never know how I really felt all this time, will also go on. I am not angry at anyone. I don't blame anyone. I just want out.