Things are not goods...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GemmaT, Sep 26, 2015.

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  1. GemmaT

    GemmaT Member

    Otherwise I wouldn't be here. I was up most of the night, mind racing, teary at times, angry at others. I eventually took some xanex as I was spinning and spiraling out of control, and I knew if didn't at least try to get a little sleep things would only get worse. In my time of spinning, I was on-line and pulled up this page and debated about signing on. I have sort of been following and participating in another site/forum but I haven't really been able to talk about the "s" word according to their "rules". I have had bipolar II disorder for at least the last decade and have been sober for 7+ years. So, I have struggled with depression for many years, with periods of "normalcy". I have been able to maintain a full-time career, but I can't say much for my personal life. I have been largely fighting depression this last year, except for a couple brief periods of hypomanic or mixed states. As a result the pdoc has been messing a little with my meds. I have also had some general health issues. The last two months, things have just really deteriorated. I have been really sad, angry, irritated, agitated, ambivalent at times. Most of the time I don't care. While I like some of the people I work with, I don't like the ones I have to see the most. I feel like I am caught in the middle of things all the time where I am not permitted to make decisions and the decisions I do make seem to be the wrong ones. I feel like I am in a position to be able to do a job search right now. I don't want to be around people more than I have to outside of work. I have lost contact with my so called "friends". I have a lot of acquaintances, but no real close friends. Generally, I am okay with that. As I have said I just don't care anymore and I am tired of the way I feel. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want have to deal with anyone or anything anymore. I want it to be over. It has taken every fiber of my being not to pick up a vodka bottle when I am at the store. The last time I attempted suicide I was drinking very heavily. I know if I drink now, my inhibitions will go. But does it really matter? Anyway, I think I am rambling. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Gemma,

    like I said in your introduction thread, you can talk freely about suicide here but no methods or encouragement of it is allowed.

    A huge congrats to you on being 7 years sober, that is amazing, well done to you :) That is something to be majorly proud of.

    Have you told your pdoc how you are really feeling? If so is he/she listening? Regarding having no real close friends, I hope you can make some friends on here, we're a friendly bunch here =)
     
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Well done for being sober for so long - it is so hard and you have obviously been incredibly strong! Like Petal said - SF is good for lonely. Hop into the chat room and stay hello. Believe me when I say it beats the hell out of trying to distract and calm down alone. Even if its just watching other people chatting about stuff. I have made some amazing friends here - you can too.

    If you are able to start job hunting like you said, that would be so good - I think that working and structure really helps mental health - what kind of job are you interested in doing?
     
  4. GemmaT

    GemmaT Member

    I am in a "good" job now with regards to responsibilities, pay, benefits, etc., but I don't think the work environment is helping my mental health. I am in a Catch-22. I would like to job search, but I don't think I am in a good place to be an effective candidate for the positions I would want right now.
     
  5. GemmaT

    GemmaT Member

    It was a long weekend. Nights are always the worst. Staying busy helps, I guess. I feel like a walking shell of a person a lot of the time these days. I look at a lot of things and think what is the point? I am an imposter in my own life. Even when I try to do the right thing, it doesn't seem to matter. Who cares? People talk about the future and I have a had hard time imagining what that looks like. I don't see it. People say "one day at a time". That seems like eternity.
     
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