Otherwise I wouldn't be here. I was up most of the night, mind racing, teary at times, angry at others. I eventually took some xanex as I was spinning and spiraling out of control, and I knew if didn't at least try to get a little sleep things would only get worse. In my time of spinning, I was on-line and pulled up this page and debated about signing on. I have sort of been following and participating in another site/forum but I haven't really been able to talk about the "s" word according to their "rules". I have had bipolar II disorder for at least the last decade and have been sober for 7+ years. So, I have struggled with depression for many years, with periods of "normalcy". I have been able to maintain a full-time career, but I can't say much for my personal life. I have been largely fighting depression this last year, except for a couple brief periods of hypomanic or mixed states. As a result the pdoc has been messing a little with my meds. I have also had some general health issues. The last two months, things have just really deteriorated. I have been really sad, angry, irritated, agitated, ambivalent at times. Most of the time I don't care. While I like some of the people I work with, I don't like the ones I have to see the most. I feel like I am caught in the middle of things all the time where I am not permitted to make decisions and the decisions I do make seem to be the wrong ones. I feel like I am in a position to be able to do a job search right now. I don't want to be around people more than I have to outside of work. I have lost contact with my so called "friends". I have a lot of acquaintances, but no real close friends. Generally, I am okay with that. As I have said I just don't care anymore and I am tired of the way I feel. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want have to deal with anyone or anything anymore. I want it to be over. It has taken every fiber of my being not to pick up a vodka bottle when I am at the store. The last time I attempted suicide I was drinking very heavily. I know if I drink now, my inhibitions will go. But does it really matter? Anyway, I think I am rambling. Thanks for listening.