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things are so far beyond okay... this has to stop.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by loopey, Jan 30, 2011.

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  1. loopey

    loopey Member

    I doubt anyone will read this but it's time to vent.

    Maybe there are some people who just can't cope. Who just aren't meant to make it through life. There are some people who can't be saved.

    I am just flat-out fucked. In Oct I met someone in psych hospital who became very close... same background, diagnosis... we could just sit and not have to say anything because we knew that the other was feeling just as bad. She survived nearly two years of hell, and finally took her own life. After being there and finding her body I knew that I would be successful soon also - and it's nearly at the two year breaking point.

    Where I'm from, BPD is seen as untreatable and the patients aren't expected to get better - they are just manipulative, a waste of resources and treatment-resistant.

    So, suicide is the answer. We are told that we can't or won't get better, and end up in either an inappropriate therapy situation or none at all. Most of the time we drop out of treatment because it doesn't help, or at worse maximises our distress. Then we bounce around the emergency services.

    There have been A&E departments, psych hospitals, mental health act holding cells and police cells. Police officers turning up at my house, police officers following my car, a thousand and two 'welfare checks'. Mental health act assessments by the bucketful! And that's just the beginning...

    So it reinforces to both us and to the professionals that we are indeed a chronic risk, we can't be helped, not much will make a difference.

    Since witnessing her death, I have left the psychiatric services. They gave up trying to treat me a long time ago and just ticked boxes if they had to, to make it look like they were responding. At my last meeting, the psychiatrist told me that I was a classic borderline and argued dates with me, eventually concluding he was right (he also told me that SNRI antidepressants were "like a vitamin for your brain" despite knowing about the BSc degree in neuroscience!) and then continued to say that I was wasting their services time as I clearly wasn't being helped by them, and that I was stopping severely mentally ill people from being helped.
    The social worker just sat there and said there was nothing more they could offer me.

    So, in their opinion I am medically 'unfixable' and a drain on resources. That has just provided one more peice of evidence to me that I am broken. I feel awful constantly for no reason - there have been some very traumatic events in my past, but I don't feel affected by them anymore.

    I truly believe that I will always feel like this and therefore suicide is my only option.
    I have spent all of today bundled up crying. I put off the decision to commit suicide by 2 years and in that time I have had some wonderful experiences.

    But not a day goes past when I don't wish overall that I were dead. Even when the antidepressants worked. Even when the painkillers worked.

    Enough is enough! I want out of this. I'll never quite have the capacity to live and therefore I choose tonight to die.

    So really, what I am trying to say is:
    no hope of recovery + belief that things won't change = inevitable suicide.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Alls I can say is I hope you find peace whatever the outcome - I hope it's in the land of the living - but ultimately that's up to you...here if you want to talk anything over...

  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member


    I know how you are feeling. They are trying to diagnose me with the same yet I am trying to fight and fight it. Mental Health is stigmatised enough, but PD's within the MH field is just awful how they are treated. I know it from both sides having worked on a PD ward for over a year and also they have tried to diagnose me...read my last post for more info.

    I watched Girl, Interupted today. And ok, it's a film but she recovers. Apparently PD's are something that only really affects you when you are younger and you can "grow" out of it. So perhaps maybe things will change for you. From someone in a similar position then I'd say, well things can only get better. From a professional position I would say, give it time, call crisis, call focusline (they are quite good). Take each day at a time and things will change.

  4. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I feel the exact same way, I want to die but can't, not because I don't want to, but because I fuck up every attempt I make somehow. I've only been caught once, and have attempted multiple times, about thirteen, to be exact. And the one time I DID go to the hospital because of my suicidal feelings (and this was a mental hospital too by the way), they just gave me Ativan and sent me home! After I left the hospital (and I was only there for about six hours, and TOLD them about feeling suicidal and everything)I got a cab to this building I was going to jump off of. But the building's windows were sealed so you couldn't open them, not even from the inside, and breaking a window was not an option, since that would just stir up a racket and make everything worse. Where I live, the so-called mental health care system is a farce. They don't really give a fuck, and ever since I was 12 years old, I have thought this thanks to my experiences.
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