There has only been a handful of times over the past 20 years since I escaped from my rapist father that I have seriously contemplated suicide as a solution. Even though for several months after I escaped I made plans to end myself, I always seemed to have the attitude that it wasn't a real solution. That attitude has seemed to keep me somewhat safe from myself. Lately things have been pretty bad for me. I betrayed a few people's trust unintentionally.
I felt this overwhelming need to be overly honest about mistakes I have made in the past. I failed to realize that being direct and honest can cause people to view me differently and even lose trust and confidence in me even when what I am being direct and honest about doesn't have anything to do with them or someone they know. As a result several people I have leaned on for support are no longer there to lend a helping hand or an ear.
They are not to blame for removing themselves from me. They have their personal reasons which I can't question or belittle. One person in particular had been a real support for me and now they are gone. They chose to remove themselves from a situation they don't feel they can trust and believe in. Before I met them I felt lost and as if I was in a state of chaos. Now that they are no longer here I feel like I am back in a state of chaos.
I have had many of the old thoughts of finding an ultimate and final solution return to me. Keep in mind me having these thoughts aren't their fault, they are my own fault. I pushed them away through my need (selfish desire) to lay everything on the table so that I can start on a clean slate. The problem is that sometimes a relationship and associated trust isn't built up and fortified enough keep doubt through laying all the facts out on the table to not crush and dissolve the small amount of trust that had been built.
I don't know if I am going to be able to beat back these thoughts of taking my own life. I just feel like between all the personal pain that I was put through as a child by my father (that I have told you about) and by my mother and grandfather (that I haven't told anyone here about), that I am broken beyond repair. I use to always have a deep seeded attitude that I can make it past anything, but I have lost faith in that ideal. I have spent hours fantasizing about ways to end myself. These thoughts go from the quick, painless, and silent solution to the slow, agonizing, and public solution. Most of the time I fantasize more on the later solution method. I think I tend to think more about that method because a huge amount of guilt seems to be weighing on my chest and crushing the desire to be a survivor out of me.
I need something to reinvigorate the conviction I had just a few weeks ago to get better and be the survivor I wanted to be. I have often told people that I am not as strong as they think I am and that I am not as courageous as they see me. I don't know if my ability to tell my story in the past was an act of courage or an act of trying to fool myself into thinking I am/was stronger then I really am/was.
Not long after I turned 21 years old I purchased a item that required a 7 day waiting period. I purchased this as a means to feel safe from possible intruders into my home. For almost 15 years it provided me with comfort. Three weeks ago I was even able to lock it up in a safe while I slept and still felt safe. Now I keep it locked up in a small lock box that is kept in my safe. The key to this lock box is kept in a storage shed several miles from where I live. I figure at any given time if I chose to end myself by that means it would take me at least 30 minutes to get the key and retrieve it from the lock box in my safe.
One of the problems I am running into is that nearly any item in my kitchen drawer can be used also. Do I remove them from my home too? Even if I did remove them from my home I still have several locations within walking distance that would allow gravity to do the deed. What do I do about gravity? I can't get rid of it, I can't get rid of these locations. Only thing I can do is try not to think about them, but a big part of me is pining for this solution.
I really don't know what I want right now. I don't know if I want to continue to try and be a survivor or if I want to hang my resolve up in the closet next to my clothes that are no longer in style. I just don't know anymore.
I felt this overwhelming need to be overly honest about mistakes I have made in the past. I failed to realize that being direct and honest can cause people to view me differently and even lose trust and confidence in me even when what I am being direct and honest about doesn't have anything to do with them or someone they know. As a result several people I have leaned on for support are no longer there to lend a helping hand or an ear.
They are not to blame for removing themselves from me. They have their personal reasons which I can't question or belittle. One person in particular had been a real support for me and now they are gone. They chose to remove themselves from a situation they don't feel they can trust and believe in. Before I met them I felt lost and as if I was in a state of chaos. Now that they are no longer here I feel like I am back in a state of chaos.
I have had many of the old thoughts of finding an ultimate and final solution return to me. Keep in mind me having these thoughts aren't their fault, they are my own fault. I pushed them away through my need (selfish desire) to lay everything on the table so that I can start on a clean slate. The problem is that sometimes a relationship and associated trust isn't built up and fortified enough keep doubt through laying all the facts out on the table to not crush and dissolve the small amount of trust that had been built.
I don't know if I am going to be able to beat back these thoughts of taking my own life. I just feel like between all the personal pain that I was put through as a child by my father (that I have told you about) and by my mother and grandfather (that I haven't told anyone here about), that I am broken beyond repair. I use to always have a deep seeded attitude that I can make it past anything, but I have lost faith in that ideal. I have spent hours fantasizing about ways to end myself. These thoughts go from the quick, painless, and silent solution to the slow, agonizing, and public solution. Most of the time I fantasize more on the later solution method. I think I tend to think more about that method because a huge amount of guilt seems to be weighing on my chest and crushing the desire to be a survivor out of me.
I need something to reinvigorate the conviction I had just a few weeks ago to get better and be the survivor I wanted to be. I have often told people that I am not as strong as they think I am and that I am not as courageous as they see me. I don't know if my ability to tell my story in the past was an act of courage or an act of trying to fool myself into thinking I am/was stronger then I really am/was.
Not long after I turned 21 years old I purchased a item that required a 7 day waiting period. I purchased this as a means to feel safe from possible intruders into my home. For almost 15 years it provided me with comfort. Three weeks ago I was even able to lock it up in a safe while I slept and still felt safe. Now I keep it locked up in a small lock box that is kept in my safe. The key to this lock box is kept in a storage shed several miles from where I live. I figure at any given time if I chose to end myself by that means it would take me at least 30 minutes to get the key and retrieve it from the lock box in my safe.
One of the problems I am running into is that nearly any item in my kitchen drawer can be used also. Do I remove them from my home too? Even if I did remove them from my home I still have several locations within walking distance that would allow gravity to do the deed. What do I do about gravity? I can't get rid of it, I can't get rid of these locations. Only thing I can do is try not to think about them, but a big part of me is pining for this solution.
I really don't know what I want right now. I don't know if I want to continue to try and be a survivor or if I want to hang my resolve up in the closet next to my clothes that are no longer in style. I just don't know anymore.
xxx
