Things Don't Feel Right

There has only been a handful of times over the past 20 years since I escaped from my rapist father that I have seriously contemplated suicide as a solution. Even though for several months after I escaped I made plans to end myself, I always seemed to have the attitude that it wasn't a real solution. That attitude has seemed to keep me somewhat safe from myself. Lately things have been pretty bad for me. I betrayed a few people's trust unintentionally.

I felt this overwhelming need to be overly honest about mistakes I have made in the past. I failed to realize that being direct and honest can cause people to view me differently and even lose trust and confidence in me even when what I am being direct and honest about doesn't have anything to do with them or someone they know. As a result several people I have leaned on for support are no longer there to lend a helping hand or an ear.

They are not to blame for removing themselves from me. They have their personal reasons which I can't question or belittle. One person in particular had been a real support for me and now they are gone. They chose to remove themselves from a situation they don't feel they can trust and believe in. Before I met them I felt lost and as if I was in a state of chaos. Now that they are no longer here I feel like I am back in a state of chaos.

I have had many of the old thoughts of finding an ultimate and final solution return to me. Keep in mind me having these thoughts aren't their fault, they are my own fault. I pushed them away through my need (selfish desire) to lay everything on the table so that I can start on a clean slate. The problem is that sometimes a relationship and associated trust isn't built up and fortified enough keep doubt through laying all the facts out on the table to not crush and dissolve the small amount of trust that had been built.

I don't know if I am going to be able to beat back these thoughts of taking my own life. I just feel like between all the personal pain that I was put through as a child by my father (that I have told you about) and by my mother and grandfather (that I haven't told anyone here about), that I am broken beyond repair. I use to always have a deep seeded attitude that I can make it past anything, but I have lost faith in that ideal. I have spent hours fantasizing about ways to end myself. These thoughts go from the quick, painless, and silent solution to the slow, agonizing, and public solution. Most of the time I fantasize more on the later solution method. I think I tend to think more about that method because a huge amount of guilt seems to be weighing on my chest and crushing the desire to be a survivor out of me.

I need something to reinvigorate the conviction I had just a few weeks ago to get better and be the survivor I wanted to be. I have often told people that I am not as strong as they think I am and that I am not as courageous as they see me. I don't know if my ability to tell my story in the past was an act of courage or an act of trying to fool myself into thinking I am/was stronger then I really am/was.

Not long after I turned 21 years old I purchased a item that required a 7 day waiting period. I purchased this as a means to feel safe from possible intruders into my home. For almost 15 years it provided me with comfort. Three weeks ago I was even able to lock it up in a safe while I slept and still felt safe. Now I keep it locked up in a small lock box that is kept in my safe. The key to this lock box is kept in a storage shed several miles from where I live. I figure at any given time if I chose to end myself by that means it would take me at least 30 minutes to get the key and retrieve it from the lock box in my safe.

One of the problems I am running into is that nearly any item in my kitchen drawer can be used also. Do I remove them from my home too? Even if I did remove them from my home I still have several locations within walking distance that would allow gravity to do the deed. What do I do about gravity? I can't get rid of it, I can't get rid of these locations. Only thing I can do is try not to think about them, but a big part of me is pining for this solution.

I really don't know what I want right now. I don't know if I want to continue to try and be a survivor or if I want to hang my resolve up in the closet next to my clothes that are no longer in style. I just don't know anymore.

 

"I really don't know what I want right now. I don't know if I want to continue to try and be a survivor or if I want to hang my resolve up in the closet next to my clothes that are no longer in style. I just don't know anymore."

I was in a very similar situation just last night, part of me wants to just give up but I know deep down the indent want to die, I just want the pain to stop, I have lost all bar one of my friends who actually lives 300 miles away but I know that things can only get better on so I'm holding on as tight as I can..... I'm here if you would like to talk over this or email etc xxx

"Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go. You are beautiful and things can only get better from here, much better"

 

The act of writing down your experiences here was courageous, eloquent and deeply touching. Trying to understand why you did something like that, is maybe not necessary. You did it because you wanted to. Because you had to put it out there, because you wanted it read.

Just as you are on a downhill slope at the moment, you can get back to the uphill. If depression has taught me anything, it is that few things are constant - and the constant ones change in their nature, and our perception of them.

I remember you writing on here relatively recently, about you selling load of things, getting various loose ends more tied up and sorted, and wanting to take a road-trip (if I recall correctly). It is important to focus on the little things to help us get through the day as people here will no doubt tell you.

But that doesn't mean we should lose track of the big goals and things we want to do. As with your account of your traumatic events - there doesn't have to be a reason - other than - because you can and want to.

My PM box is as ever, open and I myself am in a good enough place to listen. Should you ever want to drop me a line then feel free to do so.

You deserve to feel better.

Much love,
Chris

 

Julia -

I am sorry that people who were able to lean on previously are not now there for you. That is tough to deal with.

I honestly believe you are strong enough to tackle these latest thoughts. They will come and go, sometimes feeling stronger than other times. I'm glad that you have whatever locked away, thats good. (and its more positive that you don't need to sleep with it). I understand you questioning what else in the house can be removed to make it safe. I suppose I would say then we'd all live in places with four walls and not much else. I think the better thing to think about is making a crisis plan for yourself for when/if that time comes.

Are you still attending therapy? Have you or could you discuss these feelings? If you have a crisis plan, something set up so that when things get bad, you know what you can/will do, that will help. Who can you call? Crisis numbers or someone else? Can you go somewhere rather thanstaying where you live?

I'm sorry this is a rough time for you. You have already survived more than a lot of folks would. Don't question whether you are a survivor - you've already done it.

:console: take care, always here if you need.

 

I'm trying to hold on. Thanks for your encouragement.

I did take a road trip. I was out of town for just over 2 weeks. Nope, I haven't forgot about the big goals. Thanks for offering your PM box to me.

I stopped seeing my therapist. She was the one who thought I should lay my past mistakes on the table. It sounded like good advice in theory but the reality is that it wasn't. My gut told me I should have just kept well enough alone. I shouldn't tell anyone because I didn't break any laws. Still I listened and it made everything bad again. I haven't decided if I want to find another therapist yet.

I can't really go anywhere. The only family I have left lives in Florida about 800 miles from me and I stopped having a relationship with them (dad's brother & sister) when they didn't believe me when I was 16 years old after escaping.

I hope you are doing okay MO.

 

I have also faced the issue of being open and honest un-settling for most people.. And I really don't understand it.. But I guess people fear what they don't understand and don't take the time to understand it. I'm sending u my hugs and hope you feel better. :hug:

 

Hi,

i'm not sure how or what happened with your therapist or why telling them would make things bad again. Maybe theres something I'm not picking up here.

I hope you are okay, I would suggest another therapist if you can find one you have a good gut feeling about and who specializes in what you have been through. It is so hard to trust these folks with our lives pretty much.

Here if you need anything, anytime.

Take good care.