Things are looking better.
Sorry for so long...
Here are some good things:
School is better. I am liking my classes a bit better. I am feeling better about my self. I have a new boyfriend which I feel so giddy about. I love my friends. I drove for the first time. Made a new best friend. I am starting to feel respected... I joined "group" in school. So nice to not think and just listen to other people's problems and try to help.
Though... Here are some bad things:
I have only eaten one actual meal this entire week.. I have no idea why. My ex is depressed and said he is practically dead in a four page letter asking me to take him back. My step dad is getting very grumpy and pissy which creates my mother to turn into a COMPLETE b-i-t-c-h. They are arguing and I can not take it. Things are piling up around the house. My psychiatrist stuck a huge label across my forhead. I am now bipolar. I'm turning into the one person I have dreamt of not becoming. My mother. I rather turn into my real father then her. Yet here I go.. I have done self harm to myself in ways I am scared to go into public. I don't feel good enough. I have too much. I want out. I am starting to get very awkward at school with people. I have had a bloody nose (or possibly two) everyday. Not normal? I don't think so. My nose hurts like I got punched in the face. I am starting to become very mean to my mother. I snuck out for the first time the other night. I lost my virginity this week. I lied to my step dad and ruined our trust for the first time this week...I am starting to get sick. I feel like throwing up ALL the time. My eye sight is becoming super sensative. Maybe because I am sitting in a pitchblack room staring at a computer? Maybe.
Group was hard. I almost started crying when a girl brought the story of when she was forced and molested and I thought about my past and what happend... I just wanted to hug her tightly and just warn her it never goes away. Not to scare her, but to just warn her. Never went away with me. My mother always blames that night as to why I am so "fucked up" she says. It's her fault actually. She is not the mother I necisarilly want. I know I spelt that wrong... Just too upset to fix it.
Just too much going on.
I just want to be alone. I hate it when people are caring now and I have no idea. I just walk around like a zombie and watching horror movies in my HOT bedroom. I can barely stand the heat but I don't want to get up and leave or change the temperature. I almost broke my phone. I was spending a few hours with my boyfriend, just me and him, before he left again for Witchita, Kansas. I kept getting text messages from my best friend warning me to be careful and that she was worried. I threw my phone into the street and almost started crying. I had two panic attacks in the past week. I feel like I just need out. I feel like if I don't get out now I am going to do something I, and everyone else, will regret. Maybe.. I had to write a persuasive essay for my English class... My topic? "The United States of America should legalize assisted suicide." Teacher wasn't too happy. Neither was my classmates when I had to read it out loud and freaked in the middle of it.
I don't know why I am writing this all out. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for myself in anyway possible. I just... I don't know anymore. I have the best things at the moment. An amazing boyfriend, a little brother who I loved, best friends, a teacher who calls me her daughter... Now I feel like doubling over and throwing up... I guess I will be back to respond to this in a bit?... Awesome.
-Kate
Sorry for so long...
Here are some good things:
School is better. I am liking my classes a bit better. I am feeling better about my self. I have a new boyfriend which I feel so giddy about. I love my friends. I drove for the first time. Made a new best friend. I am starting to feel respected... I joined "group" in school. So nice to not think and just listen to other people's problems and try to help.
Though... Here are some bad things:
I have only eaten one actual meal this entire week.. I have no idea why. My ex is depressed and said he is practically dead in a four page letter asking me to take him back. My step dad is getting very grumpy and pissy which creates my mother to turn into a COMPLETE b-i-t-c-h. They are arguing and I can not take it. Things are piling up around the house. My psychiatrist stuck a huge label across my forhead. I am now bipolar. I'm turning into the one person I have dreamt of not becoming. My mother. I rather turn into my real father then her. Yet here I go.. I have done self harm to myself in ways I am scared to go into public. I don't feel good enough. I have too much. I want out. I am starting to get very awkward at school with people. I have had a bloody nose (or possibly two) everyday. Not normal? I don't think so. My nose hurts like I got punched in the face. I am starting to become very mean to my mother. I snuck out for the first time the other night. I lost my virginity this week. I lied to my step dad and ruined our trust for the first time this week...I am starting to get sick. I feel like throwing up ALL the time. My eye sight is becoming super sensative. Maybe because I am sitting in a pitchblack room staring at a computer? Maybe.
Group was hard. I almost started crying when a girl brought the story of when she was forced and molested and I thought about my past and what happend... I just wanted to hug her tightly and just warn her it never goes away. Not to scare her, but to just warn her. Never went away with me. My mother always blames that night as to why I am so "fucked up" she says. It's her fault actually. She is not the mother I necisarilly want. I know I spelt that wrong... Just too upset to fix it.
Just too much going on.
I just want to be alone. I hate it when people are caring now and I have no idea. I just walk around like a zombie and watching horror movies in my HOT bedroom. I can barely stand the heat but I don't want to get up and leave or change the temperature. I almost broke my phone. I was spending a few hours with my boyfriend, just me and him, before he left again for Witchita, Kansas. I kept getting text messages from my best friend warning me to be careful and that she was worried. I threw my phone into the street and almost started crying. I had two panic attacks in the past week. I feel like I just need out. I feel like if I don't get out now I am going to do something I, and everyone else, will regret. Maybe.. I had to write a persuasive essay for my English class... My topic? "The United States of America should legalize assisted suicide." Teacher wasn't too happy. Neither was my classmates when I had to read it out loud and freaked in the middle of it.
I don't know why I am writing this all out. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for myself in anyway possible. I just... I don't know anymore. I have the best things at the moment. An amazing boyfriend, a little brother who I loved, best friends, a teacher who calls me her daughter... Now I feel like doubling over and throwing up... I guess I will be back to respond to this in a bit?... Awesome.
-Kate