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Things getting better? Then why...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetTearsOfDeath, Feb 11, 2011.

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  1. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Things are looking better.

    Sorry for so long...

    Here are some good things:
    School is better. I am liking my classes a bit better. I am feeling better about my self. I have a new boyfriend which I feel so giddy about. I love my friends. I drove for the first time. Made a new best friend. I am starting to feel respected... I joined "group" in school. So nice to not think and just listen to other people's problems and try to help.
    Though... Here are some bad things:
    I have only eaten one actual meal this entire week.. I have no idea why. My ex is depressed and said he is practically dead in a four page letter asking me to take him back. My step dad is getting very grumpy and pissy which creates my mother to turn into a COMPLETE b-i-t-c-h. They are arguing and I can not take it. Things are piling up around the house. My psychiatrist stuck a huge label across my forhead. I am now bipolar. I'm turning into the one person I have dreamt of not becoming. My mother. I rather turn into my real father then her. Yet here I go.. I have done self harm to myself in ways I am scared to go into public. I don't feel good enough. I have too much. I want out. I am starting to get very awkward at school with people. I have had a bloody nose (or possibly two) everyday. Not normal? I don't think so. My nose hurts like I got punched in the face. I am starting to become very mean to my mother. I snuck out for the first time the other night. I lost my virginity this week. I lied to my step dad and ruined our trust for the first time this week...I am starting to get sick. I feel like throwing up ALL the time. My eye sight is becoming super sensative. Maybe because I am sitting in a pitchblack room staring at a computer? Maybe.
    Group was hard. I almost started crying when a girl brought the story of when she was forced and molested and I thought about my past and what happend... I just wanted to hug her tightly and just warn her it never goes away. Not to scare her, but to just warn her. Never went away with me. My mother always blames that night as to why I am so "fucked up" she says. It's her fault actually. She is not the mother I necisarilly want. I know I spelt that wrong... Just too upset to fix it.
    Just too much going on.
    I just want to be alone. I hate it when people are caring now and I have no idea. I just walk around like a zombie and watching horror movies in my HOT bedroom. I can barely stand the heat but I don't want to get up and leave or change the temperature. I almost broke my phone. I was spending a few hours with my boyfriend, just me and him, before he left again for Witchita, Kansas. I kept getting text messages from my best friend warning me to be careful and that she was worried. I threw my phone into the street and almost started crying. I had two panic attacks in the past week. I feel like I just need out. I feel like if I don't get out now I am going to do something I, and everyone else, will regret. Maybe.. I had to write a persuasive essay for my English class... My topic? "The United States of America should legalize assisted suicide." Teacher wasn't too happy. Neither was my classmates when I had to read it out loud and freaked in the middle of it.
    I don't know why I am writing this all out. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for myself in anyway possible. I just... I don't know anymore. I have the best things at the moment. An amazing boyfriend, a little brother who I loved, best friends, a teacher who calls me her daughter... Now I feel like doubling over and throwing up... I guess I will be back to respond to this in a bit?... Awesome.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you have to much going on in your brain at once. It is going a mile a minute. Try to focus on all the positives for now okay do not look at the negatives and breath okay slow down and enjoy what you have that is positive. I am sorry all the turmoil that exist in your life but try to not get all wrapped up in your parents problems okay we all do things we feel bad for after but we learn from those mistakes and move on.

    I hope you have a better day tomorrow and just do thinks that will make you happy okay hugs
  3. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I have tried not thinking about the bad and only the good... I feel as if it does no help though. I try so hard. I try to make everyone around me happy but in the end I just make things worse. I don't understand. The people I am most afraid of hurting I distance myself from but find out it hurts too much. I feell more alone now than I ever have. My mother keeps going out and gambling and my step dad.. I don't even know. Grumpy with work. I wish I could go back in time when I was too young to THINK! I wish I didn't have to think. Never have to think... Feel... Hurt... None of it. Instead I just roam around aimlessly hurting everyone and thing. People get close and try to help and I push them away. In a way, I hate when they care and I hate when they try. I do not understand anymore... Why can't I just dissapear?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is hard when one tries to make everyone happy i been trying to do that for years and years the thing is you can only look after YOU okay the others have to look after themselves Try to get some time away just for you and do somethings just for you that will make YOU happy okay hugs
  5. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    :hug: Sweetie, how long have you been feeing sick for?
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Wow you have a lot going on at the moment and it's no surprise you are feeling mentally unwell again. The physical things could be related to the mental things but to be on safe side it would be worth visiting your doctor. I'm getting a lot of nose bleeds too recently but was told was as of low BP. Simple really and nothing to worry about. But you should go get checked out. x
  7. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    When I worry about myself and all I feel selfish and I can not take it. I feel like I am betraying people. I feel as if I can not say no or else I would be letting everyone down. I can not take it. No matter how much I try to change that around and everything. I can not do it.
    I have been feeling sick for about a week, possibly two. I don't know why/: I do need to see a doctor but I am afraid. I don't want to have to hear that I have a nother freaking thing wrong with me. I hear plenty of that and it kills me every freaking time.
    Low blood presure? In my family we have high blood presure. I don't really think so. I don't know. Possibly.
    I need to see the doctor and the dentist soon and I hate it. I hate all of it. Why can't I just be normal kid already? Frick. I hate this all. I have a friend over at the moment and we are listening to music and watching many scary movies. Makes me feel better, yet worse at the same time. I am insane...
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    No, you are not insane.... people who say that they are are usually the normal ones...it's the ones who say they are normal you have to watch out for.

    How old are you?

    The feeling sick could be related to your psychological health. Go to the doc and tell him how you feel. The docs see so many people with mental health problems. They make up a third of their work load. So don't worry about that. They are usually understanding and they will do what they can to help you.

    I know you are scared. Have you got anyone who could go with you who knows what is happening with you at the moment?

  9. Nataria

    Nataria Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry that you have to hurt so bad hun
    try not to be so hard on yourself, even if things seem perfect around you doesn't mean it have to make you feel perfect inside you know

    Just try to take one thing at a time and do not put too much pressure on yourself, allow yourself to be *hugs*
  10. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Thanks Nataria.
    GoldenPsych... I am only fifteen. If I hear, "Oh hun, it's all hormones. It's normal for teenagers to feel this way." one more time I am going to punch some one in the face/: It's more than hormones. I wish I was normal. I am afraid of becoming insane like my family members in the past. The clock is just ticking until I hit that point. I have told no one what has been going on. Well, at least not all of it. I am afriad to tell anyone and I am deathly afraid of the doctors. No because of the needles or anything... But I hate doctors. I hate them so much I can not go near one. Outside of the office they are just fine... My anxiety just kicks in when I get near them. I just hate everything about them. Maybe from looking at my past? I don't know.
    I am scared. My mother has trained me not to trust anyone. Like doctors, friends and all. She tells me to be careful of what I say everything I go in for an appointment or talk to a teacher or friends. I wish she would get it through her skull that I know... I don't know anymore. I'm tired...
    (A.K.A. the walking zombie :zombie: )
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