Things have been getting out of hand lately...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by backwardshole, Oct 26, 2009.

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  1. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    Well, long story short. I'm 25 next month, and I've been struggling with depression for many years, only recently has it gotten bad, here and there..

    I live on my own, and work part time, and recently have I noticed that I've turned into an alcoholic and weed chronic. Most of my money has been going toward spending it at bars on alcohol, weed, and more beer.. and It's gotten so bad to a point that I've gotten into grocery money just to suoport my habit.

    I also find that when I'm sober I care not to make new friends or get to know new people. I am also in the "I just don't give a fuck anymore" state of mind, with only suicide as a long term goal.. I don't see anything for myself at the moment, I mean, I do... and mostly I DO NOT. I just feel like a failure at life right now, I hate my job, I procrastinate and I am just lacking the motivation that I truly need. But I just feel as if I don't care anymore, I'm tired of living here, I feel trapped in the four walls of my mind.

    I want to get better, but I just am too mentally weak to even give a shit, because I've had it.
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    Keep posting here, it will help you. We'll give you feedback to help you through it.
     
  3. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    I just don't know what I am doing anymore. All I know is that I need and will attempt to stop smoking weed and drinking so heavily all the time. That should help me out BIG.. I think the alcohol and weed is taking too much out of me to deal with anything really.
     
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm an alcoholic and I was seeking to change the way I feel with the booze. I went to AA and it helps me a lot.

    What kinds of things are bothering you?
     
  5. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. I completely understand about the lack of motivation/procrastination/feeling like a failure. I just look at other people and wonder how they do it, sometimes.

    I'm glad you are getting a chance to vent, though.

    Is there anything you are proud of? Any goals/passions/dreams. Depression and low self-esteem can make these things hard to remember, but it is important to hold onto them.
     
  6. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    My workplace, I work as a tech support agent in a call center. My nature, I mean, all I ever look forward too is getting high and drunk, I feel as if i can't funtion without weed. Also, lack of money to save or spend on better things. and just the thought of working full time hours in a job you absolutely despise.

    Now I am part time, I intentionally chose to work part time just so I can spend less time at a call center. I only make enough to pay my rent/bills and put food on my table.. If I want extra money to save and spend, this means i would have to work FULL TIME, 8 and a half hour days, 40 hours a week at my workplace, which has fucked me up so bad in terms of stress.

    I feel like my life evolves around my work, and I feel like I was just put here to be a drone for a large corrupt corporation. and It has killed the majority of my enthusiasm and spirit. This is why I resort right back to alcohol and weed because I can't feel that initial satisfaction that I first had when i would spend time with my hobbies.. So when I'm not at work, I'm either at the bar or at home smoking weed and drinking beer, just to feel that satisfaction and "escape" again..
     
  7. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    and i feel like I am getting nowhere in life. I'm just in a loop, and god forbid, what the hell am i going to do on my own time? Like, sober!
     
  8. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    God damn, I want to be able to feel a rush of satisfaction by picking up a pen and writing poetry again, or read a damn book, or actually get something accomplished with my music for once. But I'm always side tracked, I am too distracted either by wanting to get high constantly or look at porn, and this is not a joke!
     
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You are doing a very good thing by posting here. Can you write poetry about what is happening to you now? Some members here do this.

    I have worked part time as well to keep my stress level down. Then I would go home and drink. Then came the day that alcohol did not change the way I felt. I got sober and moaned my way through my feelings. It took time to get to a reasonably well point but I did get there.

    Are you seeing a doctor?
     
  10. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    No, I am not. I just don't feel as if it is necessary at all, considering they'll just either feed me drugs or tell me things i already know.

    But I want to get away from all this society whim crap, when the weekend comes everyone's always like "Yea, it's the weekend, lets get druk, or go out for some beers and play some pool!!" Then 1 drink turns into 15 by the end of the night. It's ridiculous, I have no limit for alcohol. and my friends, I love my friends, they're sooo fun to hang out with, and they drink just as much as i do.

    What's going to be hard for me is hanging out with them for the most part without having to drink alcohol
     
  11. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    Ah fuck it all
     
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