Things i need to say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MariaM, Sep 30, 2006.

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  1. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    Good evening!

    The first panic attack i was 8 years old. I don´t remember what triggered it ... i was at home with my mother and my sister. I started to feel an acute pain, like caused by needles, on my chest. I couldn´t breathe.... it was too painfull.
    I remember my mother called my father... told him that i wasn´t feeling good. He came home and took my sister and I for a walk... for him the problem was that: being at home.
    It´s wierd the things we remember. I remember that we went to a park, ate potato chips (very salty potato chips). I was still feeling a mild pain....

    That was just the beginning. Until i was 10 or 11 i had so many panic attacks. I was always very anxious.

    Let´s cut to the chase... i always suffered from anxiety and social phobia. And other disorders related to that. For instance i can´t make phone calls. People don´t understand that but i just can´t. It causes me panic attacks.

    From all the anxiety to depression and suicidal thoughts... well, i always had low self asteem... in my case that brings insecurity, fear, isolation...

    It became a cycle... Being always alone led to more isolation. With loneliness came the depression. That in my early teens.
    I have suicidal thoughts since than.

    But i never tried anything. i just choose a date and a method but when it comes closer to that day i change my mind. I say to myself : i´m not going to do it now, things will get better. Obviously it never gets better...

    After high school i went to college. And i was feeling worse every day... i couldn´t study, i didn´t want to go to classes, i didn´t want to get out of the house, just to walk... i wasn´t able to do that.
    Somehow i finished college... having very bad grades.

    Now i don´t have a job. I never had friends. And my family... they just don´t care. How can they not see how miserable i am? We don´t even talk.... the only person that talks to me is my mother... i shouln´t use the word talk... she complains about my father ... or tells me what she heard on the news or some gossip about someone i don´t know.

    Do i want to die? I´m already dead inside. I have no expectations. How could i have any?
    I have nothing.

    I hope this makes any sense. My English is not very good....

    Goodbye for now,
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Maria;

    Everything you said made sense to me.:smile: You've had a rough way to go and you don't feel like anything is ever going to get any better. I can understand that as when I feel the worst I don't believe that anything will ever be better.

    First off I must ask; are you living at home with your parents, or what is your living arrangement? Would another living arrangement help? Like say having an apartment with a room mate? You don't have a job. Did you major in any career field in college? Can you not get some sort of job, even part time, in the field of study you had in college? Is there any kind of job-finding service in your community? If so, maybe you could go there for help in finding work.

    Next question: Are you getting any kind of counseling or medication for your depression and anxiety problems? I don't know where you live but in many places there are community mental health agencies, either government-run or private, that give counseling services based on income. It's worth a try, so I would start looking for such services. Professional counseling and medication can be very helpful in getting you away from these deep feelings of depression and anxiety, and that can be the start of being (more) able to look for work.:smile:

    It sounds to me like your family has been less than helpful in dealing with your problems.:sad: Is there no one you can talk honestly with about your feelings? If not, remember, we're here for just that reason.:smile: :smile: We're always here and we'll listen to anything you have to say. We're not professionals here, but we're real people with real problems and we understand the issues you're going through. Please consider yourself at home here and feel free to post your feelings. It helps to let them out so they don't build up inside you to a dangerous level.

    You say you're already dead inside - I disagree. You found us and posted here, so some part of you, no matter how deep inside, wants things to change and is asking for help.:smile: That's a good sign, to me, as people who have completely given up don't usually ask for help, directly or indirectly.

    I welcome you to the forum and invite you to partake of our love for each other and willingness to listen to you and accept you as you are.:smile:

    Sending you love and hugs and hope,

    least xoxoxox
  3. itachi

    itachi Well-Known Member

    Hey Maria
    I think that you need to sit your family down and tell them exactly how you feel. In my own experience people just don't notice what is happening even if you think that it is blatantly obvious that something is wrong. My counciller told me They aren't ignoring you, you are just hiding your feelings from them without realising it.

    This sentence really reminded me of myself. I know how you feel and Really life does get better.
    (I can Vouch 4 it)
    Just Hang in there, Take it 1 day at a time, There are lots of people on this site who will help you out.
    PM me if you want to

    PS: You say you have no Freinds? I will be your friend :smile:

    Luv (Your Good Friend) Josh
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2006
  4. killorbee

    killorbee Active Member

    hey,, I just wanted to say that i went through alot of the same thing as you did as a kid, but i never graduated from high school,, I dropped out in 11th grade. I had a hard time doing anything or going anywhere there was people. I still have a hard time around people. I still get panic attacks. They really suck. It feels like your going to die and you just want to sleep.Alll i can say is keep on going. Maybe soon you will be able to find a friend you can really talk to. I actually have a friend now. It took me till i turned 29 to have a real friend.try to stay busy with work and then get really involved in everything you do. feel free to message me if you just want to talk. good luck,stay strong.................
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Maria, :welcome: I am so releived you found SF, I have always found it very helpful, and I hope you do as well.

    I can I dentify with you about all the anxiety and depression, even about the anxiety making a phone call, I get anxious thinking about it, I always feel like I won't make sense, or won't say the right thing or I will make a fool out of myself let alone the rest.

    I am sorry your family isn't in contact with you, I know how you feel, it's hard you already feel so many aweful things about yourself then you feel bad and abandoned, and having no friends I understand that also.......half the time people thought I was strange or I totally avoided people and isolated myself, moreless no matter what situation I was put in I hid/isolated.

    But, I would say what you need is a good therapist (make sure you get one who you feel comfortable with, altho you will never find one you are completely comfortable with in the first few appointments) also, psychiatrist so you can get on a good combonation of medicines, sometimes you find some who just work in a snap and sometimes it takes awhile to kick in and sometimes you have to try one after another until you find the ones that work the best, everyones body, chemistry is different, so keep that in mind. And Support is a big key too, and you should get that here, I will be here for you anytime, I understand and will be available for you to chit chat, talk to, listen, even for a rant if you need.

    We are here for you, to support you, I am looking forward to hearing from you.

    If you would like to talk my msn and yahoo are in my profile or just ask either one and you can PM me anytime.



    Sending you lots of hugs,
  6. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    Thank you all for your support messages.
  7. Lou

    Lou Well-Known Member

    I'm always here if you ever want to talk.

    {{{hugs}}} to you x
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    me too :hug:

  9. itachi

    itachi Well-Known Member

    Me Thr33 :) :) :) :)
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