M
Good evening!
The first panic attack i was 8 years old. I don´t remember what triggered it ... i was at home with my mother and my sister. I started to feel an acute pain, like caused by needles, on my chest. I couldn´t breathe.... it was too painfull.
I remember my mother called my father... told him that i wasn´t feeling good. He came home and took my sister and I for a walk... for him the problem was that: being at home.
It´s wierd the things we remember. I remember that we went to a park, ate potato chips (very salty potato chips). I was still feeling a mild pain....
That was just the beginning. Until i was 10 or 11 i had so many panic attacks. I was always very anxious.
Let´s cut to the chase... i always suffered from anxiety and social phobia. And other disorders related to that. For instance i can´t make phone calls. People don´t understand that but i just can´t. It causes me panic attacks.
From all the anxiety to depression and suicidal thoughts... well, i always had low self asteem... in my case that brings insecurity, fear, isolation...
It became a cycle... Being always alone led to more isolation. With loneliness came the depression. That in my early teens.
I have suicidal thoughts since than.
But i never tried anything. i just choose a date and a method but when it comes closer to that day i change my mind. I say to myself : i´m not going to do it now, things will get better. Obviously it never gets better...
After high school i went to college. And i was feeling worse every day... i couldn´t study, i didn´t want to go to classes, i didn´t want to get out of the house, just to walk... i wasn´t able to do that.
Somehow i finished college... having very bad grades.
Now i don´t have a job. I never had friends. And my family... they just don´t care. How can they not see how miserable i am? We don´t even talk.... the only person that talks to me is my mother... i shouln´t use the word talk... she complains about my father ... or tells me what she heard on the news or some gossip about someone i don´t know.
Do i want to die? I´m already dead inside. I have no expectations. How could i have any?
I have nothing.
I hope this makes any sense. My English is not very good....
Goodbye for now,
Maria
The first panic attack i was 8 years old. I don´t remember what triggered it ... i was at home with my mother and my sister. I started to feel an acute pain, like caused by needles, on my chest. I couldn´t breathe.... it was too painfull.
I remember my mother called my father... told him that i wasn´t feeling good. He came home and took my sister and I for a walk... for him the problem was that: being at home.
It´s wierd the things we remember. I remember that we went to a park, ate potato chips (very salty potato chips). I was still feeling a mild pain....
That was just the beginning. Until i was 10 or 11 i had so many panic attacks. I was always very anxious.
Let´s cut to the chase... i always suffered from anxiety and social phobia. And other disorders related to that. For instance i can´t make phone calls. People don´t understand that but i just can´t. It causes me panic attacks.
From all the anxiety to depression and suicidal thoughts... well, i always had low self asteem... in my case that brings insecurity, fear, isolation...
It became a cycle... Being always alone led to more isolation. With loneliness came the depression. That in my early teens.
I have suicidal thoughts since than.
But i never tried anything. i just choose a date and a method but when it comes closer to that day i change my mind. I say to myself : i´m not going to do it now, things will get better. Obviously it never gets better...
After high school i went to college. And i was feeling worse every day... i couldn´t study, i didn´t want to go to classes, i didn´t want to get out of the house, just to walk... i wasn´t able to do that.
Somehow i finished college... having very bad grades.
Now i don´t have a job. I never had friends. And my family... they just don´t care. How can they not see how miserable i am? We don´t even talk.... the only person that talks to me is my mother... i shouln´t use the word talk... she complains about my father ... or tells me what she heard on the news or some gossip about someone i don´t know.
Do i want to die? I´m already dead inside. I have no expectations. How could i have any?
I have nothing.
I hope this makes any sense. My English is not very good....
Goodbye for now,
Maria
