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things I'll never say

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okay so I used an Avril Lavigne song as the title of a thread, PM me your death threats later, right now I need some help.

I am in quite possibly the most complicated relationship in the history of love, as in, our problems make Romeo and Juliet look compatible. The things I've put up with from this person in the name of love include but are not limited to:

* being dumped.
* being dumped again.
* being lied to continually.
* being belittled and made to feel worthless.
* being accused of making them feel like dying.
* being told by literally dozens of people that I am wasting my time and will never win them back.
* being told that I am cold and unfeeling because I don't express my emotions.
*when I finally do open up, being told that I am irrational and have no right to feel the way I do.

the thing is, I can't stop feeling this way. I am literally incapable of 'getting over it' (which I think is possibly the most insulting phrase in the english language). I have tried everything and anything to deal with this impossible situation, I just wanted someone out there to know this:


I can't say it to Jamie's face because Jamie has depression and might die and it'd be might fault. I can't say it to Jamie's face because I don't hate Jamie, I love Jamie so much that when I see photos of Jamie my face lights up, when I meet people named Jamie I smile like a complete moron, I love Jamie so much that it has consumed my life and become such a part of my identity during the last two years that now we've cut contact I feel as though a limb has been severed.

I have depression too but I'd never do to Jamie what Jamie has done to me. I literally can't stand this a moment longer, I am very unwell and have suicidal tendencies myself, being in love with a bipolar commitment phobe is really not doing me any good. So cutting contact was a good idea, yes?

If anyone feels moved to reply, please do, at least so I don't feel like a complete idiot. Has anyone else ever loved someone so much that they can't breathe, that they've lost themselves so completely in the other person that when they emerge they feel disoriented and vaguely unwell? anyone? hello?

yeah, maybe it's just me...
s, the freak.


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
I hope this helps.
Yes I loved my husband the way you love Jamie. Sometimes I could hardly breathe when I looked at him and to be without him was unthinkable.

Well I am without him and I know you won't believe this but its getting better.
At first I was so completely lost that the only thing I could do was sit on here and wail, felt like I'd lost a limb that my guts had been removed the whole gamut of emotions, people on this form were great cos they must have been so sick of hearing me cry about him.

Ok an ocean of tears later (tho writing this has set me off again :sad: ).
I still feel a little lost sometimes but I can deal with it.
I still have periods of missing him but I get over it.
I can actually imagine a future where he aint in it!!!!!! and I never thought I'd get there.

Give it time hun and grieve as much as you need to (dont take any notice of people who say you should be over it by now) I sometimes feel I take one step forward and 2 steps back, but just lately its been 2 forward and only 1 back.

Time does ease the pain once you accept its really over and grieve for what you lost.
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