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Things I'm Amazed At

This is just a short list of things I'm amazed at since beginning my recovery(I define recovery as the moment you decided to start changing the direction of your life into a positive one. Mine was January 2016). Things that have just blown my mind as I've gone down the road of life in the depression/suicide world.

1. Lack of connection. I have what I would consider a common suicidal view of the world, yet nobody, NOBODY in my now five years and many people I've come into contact with(not on this site) have really related to or understood much of what I feel. When I started this whole shingding you see, I was like, "For sure after awhile I'll connect with someone on something" but low and behold, no, not much. And not only that, the local meetings I would go to were 95% teen or early 20s girls, no MEN my age. In fact, it seems very little male presence at all. Reasons for this? I have my own suspicions, but it makes it very hard to relate to others who don't have similar problems.

2. Suicide/depression really has to do with experience. This is why there is so much confusion, and very little real progress being made. You see, we can relate to a point with empathy on certain subjects; Example, I have never had cancer, never given birth. But I would like to think I would have a pretty good idea what those things would be like, even without going through them. This is not true with depression/suicide, because much of it is not SEEN, but invisible. You can't possibly know what it's like unless you've experienced, and I think this is very true on this topic especially. This is why there are so many medical pros/family members or people that can't really understand what it's like, they've never experienced pain that bad. And I think at this level, in order to help people, you need someone with that active experience who knows what they are doing, and there's usually not.

3. I've found the number one reason for depression and suicide in the world(in general); People's indifference. Out of all the experiences I've had, situations I've seen since I've been apart of this dark world, the real reason this shit exists is just people who don't care, they don't fucking care about you and most likely never will. And many of these problems are just stupid, it's silly and pointless that they have to exist. The problem is everyone who is either bad for you or out to hurt you is surrounding you; everyone who loves you are a long way away and can't physically help you in real life. Again, stupid.

4. The world started making more sense as my knowledge window expanded, but got a lot uglier at the same time. With knowledge comes great pain/responsibility? It's true. Usually the more you find out about things, your mind will have to pay the consequences.

5. Many of these problems aren't meant to be solved. I'm a firm believer in that now. See, it's not that depression/suicide is really this huge mystery; the real reason many of these poor soul's problems aren't solved is just for stupid bullshit. I mean, given the resources and enough time I guarantee I could solve most of these issues intelligently, empathetically, rationally, and WITHOUT much money at the same time(Unlike the so-called 'pros'). But I believe there are forces that don't want that, so they put these stupid little distractions in or roadblocks to stop you from completing your goal. I've often thought in the past, "You know, it seems like God or life wants me to suffer. Not to be happy, and not to be destroyed, but just simmering on that line between sanity and constantly going over the edge(which is fun)." It's almost like, the purpose is to fuck with me. Do you ever feel like that? But no, with everything we have in the world, after all this time, something must be seriously wrong if we can't get our shit together by now. It just tells me it's not about the solution or problem, I think it's more about the journey.

6. I'm amazed at how many FOS people there are or people with flat out bad intentions/advice for depressed people(and this includes the depressed people themselves also). Man oh man, there are some completely full of shit people out there that have completely no idea what they're talking about. Or worse, they feed off of depressed people because they know their limits and take advantage of. And then, many of these so-called 'depressed' people are not really so much depressed, as they are an attention hog. There just looking for false comfort, that's what I'm talking about but it sucks because first off, they're annoying. No one with real problems wants to listen to someone who's depressed over a hang nail, or something stupid like that. Second, they take away valuable resources from the truly depressed and suicidal people, which is sick. Many myths, cliches that are completely untrue being spread by these turds also, like a nervous tick or something. Wow, I thought people sucked before my recovery; if anything now, this has just confirmed what I was already thinking throughout the years and tells me to stay away from them from now on.

7. Lack of God. I mean, just a complete lack of 'divine intervention' or direction from (pick your fav religion) a supernatural presence. I think many people have this on their journey through life, that they are on a mission being led to something that will change their life forever, giving them meaning and purpose in the process. But then you get to a certain point in life, where it's just like, "Really? This is it?", and you feel kind of screwed by life. Abandoned. You know, for many years(raised Lutheran) I believed that if I did the right thing, did all the right stuff, and kept trying my damnedest that one day maybe, just maybe, God or something would come along and 'save' me. But no, nothing. Desolation. What kind of God damned God is that?! Nothing at all? Just left with that constant 'What's the point?' way of thinking is what I'm talking about here. But I'd rather have that than false hope.

8. How many people will leave you. Oh yeah, lot's of people will say they'll be with you, blah blah blah. But the truth is, you scare them and make them feel uncomfortable. Which is natural, but the problem is then that they cowardly throw you under the bus, because they either don't understand you(and don't want to), or you are making them 'sad' by your problems, so they really want to get away from you asap. I'm talking about the people in this world who would never or never have dealt with depression a day in their lives. But it's a good thing really, as if you are anything like me you'll find your relationships will be fewer, but more sincere and rewarding. In other words, you'll get farther away from the bad(which is many), and gradually closer to the good(which is few).

9. I survived it all, for what it's worth. Fighting it every step of the way, yet here I fuckin' am somehow. I often say the phrase, "I can't believe what I've been through, and I LIVED it!" and I mean that, I truly do. Hell, I'd be the first one to say it. So is it choice? Bullshit. I think parts of life are(mostly reactions to what we're dealt), but for the most part, I think we're just playing out the remains of a show that started a long time ago, and isn't going to stop until it's done.

10. Depression/suicide has to be one of the worst things in the world that someone can deal with. It just has to be. I mean, if you think about it, what's worse than suicide by your own hand? Cancer, bad health problems, sure, those things suck. But how would you like to daily deal with something that tears you apart, that other's say 'is just in your head' or that you can't explain in a way they'll understand? But it's not all a bad thing; I mean, hell, after dealing with suicide NO ONE fucks with me. It's raised my confidence and self worth in myself tremendously(go figure). I am my own worst enemy, nothing else really, and that's a feeling that only comes with experience btw.

11. How numb I've become. For starters, when I first started down this trail I was basically a scared, little boy inside, who could barely speak up and certainly not about suicide. But not now. Talking about suicide to me now is like talking about the weather, and that's sick to me that someone can even or has to get that numb in life to talk about something. A certain part of it SHOULD be hard to talk about, and at this point I have absolutely zero problem talking about death or related topics. This 'numbness' also works with suicide methods; You start out small, because you have to work up your courage. At this point I would do things now, that I would have never done years ago, and it's just basically because over the years you either get destroyed by the pain, or become numb to it. You also talk different around people, and they notice it. They will treat you different, you will act different. You become, different


Well-Known Member
HI sane man ,i like your post,itl take a few times for my brain to consume it ,,no4 is totally me .very painful indeed,i had 2 years of ok after i gave up drink 5.5 years ,the last 3 years have been hell and the last 6 months unbearable ,old memories i suppressed is all that i think about ,PTSD and flashbacks .

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