Things just seem to be draggin on and on


Antiquitie's Friend
Just when i think that i am doing very well and moving onward i fall back on my face. I feel as though i am an alcoholic that keeps having relapses, but instead of drinking i fall back into my depression. It has been 11 months since my ex-husband killed himself and there has not been a single day that i have not thought of him. Just lately i have been thinking of joining him and leaving behind the frineds and the boyfirend that has stuck with me through all this turmoil. On the 16th of this month i was at work and could no longer take the stressors of my job, the death of my ex-husband, along with the other 5 deaths that i have had in my family. I just went off blowing a fuse when a co-worker asked me if i was alright. I turned to him and just started crying hystercially and saying "i just cant take this anymore, i cant do it, i just cant". as i was packing up my office cubical another co-worker from another department came by and told me to stop and think was i was doig before reacting this way. I remeber telling her that i just didnt care anymore and that no matter what i did or do it doesnt matter to anyone, since i couldnt do anything the way they wanted me to do things. I couldnt stand being at work being critized about how i was doing the job of putting on a fake face and telling others how to work through problems when i couldnt take my own advice and get through my own problems. I told my co-workers that i could not see what difference it would make if i was to never return to work or to live another day. They called my boyfriend and he was home before my co-workers could drive me home. He had called and made an appoinment with my doctor, and my doctor had asked if i was thinking of suicide , which i knew if i told her the truth it would jepordize my job if they ever found outand i did make it through this. I did tell her the truth and i told her my plan on how i was going to achieve it. She requested my boyfriend take a week off of work to be with me and to stick to me like glue or she would have to hospitalize me on a 5150. I informed her that i would not go to another mental hospital, and that i did not receive any treatment from the one i was in previously which was in 1999.
I feel so much guilt in being with my boyfriend and cant understand why and how in the wolrd would he want to be with someone like me. I feel guilty that i wasnt there for my ex-husband when he needed me the most and that he tried to tell me how much he loved me when he called me over to his house that night and was crying (which was the only time i had ever seen him show any emotions) How could i not see what he was trying to tell me and understand that he was loosing his only support in life. I tried to tell him that we just grew apart and that we both wanted different things in life, which he agreed. Then 2 months after that he had sent me an email stating a dream he had about the two of us and how happy we were watching our grandkids. He said he didnt know if it was a dream or if it could be reality. I keep asking myself why i didnt respond to that email, why i just ignored it, and that i couldnt accept that he was the one that actually wrote the email since some of the words i had never heard him use. But i never asked him about it.
I didnt get to say goodbye to him, i failed him, and now i feel i dont deserve to have any happiness in my life. I feel ashamed for trying to move on with my present boyfriend yet i just dont feel like i am able to let him into my heart, maybe its fear of failing another, hurting him, or just not deserving of a man that is so kind, caring, considerate, and supportive. How can i still be crying for my ex-husband when i am with another man? How can i feel that i am not cheating? Can i ever feel that i will be good enough for my boyfriend? I just want things to come to an end so i can start a new life or to end this one, but the way i am going it is like i am in limbo teetering on the ledge and one little thing is what is going to make or break me.
Im embarassed to go back to work, i have to have a meeting with the supervisors in order to return to work since i left that day without saying that i was going home, even though my boss is a therapist that was standing at my cubical at one point when i was crying and did not do a damn thing or say anything to me. Makes me wonder what type of therapist he really is. So i have this added stress on top of just returning. My doctor wanted me to get the medications in my system before i returned to work but i am not certain that this will make much of a diffierence. So for the last couple of weeks i have hidden in my room, read books on life after life and life after loss, and suicide surviovors, yet i am not getting any comfort out of these, nor any answers of what i should do. I see my counselor on Tuesday but i feel like i am at a stand still with her. I dont know what i should say and a lot fo the times i feel that we are just talking about things that really have nothing to do with what i am going through. Theres only one family memeber that knows what i have been going through over the past 11 months, and i feel guilty becuase its not my mother or father. I just feel like i am a total fake and i am tired of living this way. Sorry for all the ramblin'

~The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.~

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