Things should be getting better....but

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Fatman1966, Apr 27, 2007.

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  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Well I've been away from here for a while.

    Things were looking up, but now Im right back where I started.

    At the grand old age of 40 finally told my little brother I'm gay, and a mate / guy I have worked with for the last 23 years, which you would think, should have cheered me up at bit and it did for a while.

    Then a young lad at work asked me if I was gay, so I gave him all the normal double talk answers, lots of words but no real information, then I said, "does it really matter", his reply was, "yes, you get changed in the same changing rooms as me", "but dont worry if you are that way, I'll still talk to you", suddenly the reailty of being openly gay, hit home, he's a really nice lad, we get on well, hell I've even been the pub with him a couple of times, he told me I was his role model a while back, then he comes out with a load of old biggited bollocks like that.

    I cant stand telling all the lies any more, I play for the pink team, so f***** what, I just dont think I have the strength to cope wioth all the other crap that comes with being honest, when asked if I'm gay anymore, it doesn't happen often, guess it was the straw that broke the camels back.

    Keep getting that sinking fealing again, and have started crying, or doing the sad laugh thing, a lot as well, still laying off the booze though, as my thoughts get very dark when I have been drinking alot, that side of things is starting to scare me, I've been there before and don't think I'll get a third chance.

    I just dont know what to do for the best and before you say it, I dont do doctors, or pills, or counceling, it's taken me 25 years to tell my best mate and my brother I'm gay, so to go and tell a stranger I'm suffering from suicidal depresion just isn't going to happen.

    So I'm kinda stuck, I cant carry one being completely alone for the rest of my days, I cant cope with the bulshit that comes with being openly gay and I dont want to even think about how the hel a middle aged fat bloke goes about meeting younger gay guys, let alone having a relationship.

    So it appears, I'm dambed if I do, and dambed if I don't.

    If there is a god, I'm going punch him in the face, first chance I get !
  2. meagainstme

    meagainstme Well-Known Member

    well done for coming out as gay :)
    im gay but hell ive learnt to be damn proud!
    theres always goin to be people who have issues with homosexuality, but fuck them, its their problem right?
    be true to yourself :)

    they are the narrow minded ones and you shoudnt let them bother you at all
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I truly think Paul, that the reality (should u just shrug and say "yeah I bat for the other team") and what you think will happen are 2 vastly different things.
    People often take their cue from how we ourselves react.
    If u act ashamed and hangdog they will think its a problem.
    If you're offhand and say yeah I'm gay and just act as if its nothing they will feel the same.
    Yeah there will always be the odd one who can't deal, but in general..if you're not ashamed of it, people will just accept it as part and parcel of who u are.
  4. paranoidxe

    paranoidxe Well-Known Member

    Anyone decent would realize that it doesn't affect them that you are gay, there are some real assholes in this world you just have to ignore them man.

    Use the same changing room? oh brother, as if being gay is a disease. People like this you just have to take their comments in stride, why let it make you upset? In fact getting upset usually only feeds these types of which makes them do it MORE.

    Some people have nothing better to do with their time than to put others down, you just have to ignore it and move on.
  5. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Thanks for the replies.

    I know you are right, its just bringing myself to do it.

    The whole thing is just so stupid really, in every other aspect of my life I am just so not like this, but in gay terms 40 is like 100 years old !!!

    In a way I have spent the last 25 years, punishing myself for something I haven't even done, how mad is that, I am not my parents, so whether they approve or not, its not my problem, it's theirs and I know for fact, they would sooner have a "gay" son here with them, than a "straight" son not here with them at all.

    So why can't I just move on and get one with my life ? Maybe I'm afraid that even if I do tell and sundrey, nothing will change, I'll still be sad and lonely, only then I'll be a source of ridecule and entertainment for all those insecure "straght" folks as well. In my experence, the ones that make the most noise about "poofs", "shirtlifters", "fags" and "arse bandits", tend to be the ones, that are most likely to come and chat you up, when they get pissed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I guess at 40, I should really just grow up and stop being such a baby about the whole thing, grow some balls and get on with it, that sounds so simple, but I'm not sure I have enough fight left in me, to pull it off, all the layers of bullshit, lies, half trueths, friends that don't really know me, all that stuff, is a pretty heavy load to carry at the moment, I'm not sure I can cope with any more.

    That would be the iceing on the cake, having to take time off work through "mental illness", that would just make it official, that I am card carrying member of the brotherhood of fuck wits and screw ups, not capable of looking after himself, let alone anyone else.
  6. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    So you've told two people thus far?
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Just a thought Paul, but how about making some friends who know right from the get go?
    This would give you some back up if 'old' friends react badly.
  8. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Well thats sort of the plan I have been working on.

    So far I have told;
    Girl at work (shes 22 and thought I was the ideal man, bless her)
    Guy at work (you dont want to know why, we hardly speak now)
    Little brother and his wife (he's not over the moon, shes never says anything)
    Best mate (he's been really good about it and quite supportive)

    So I make that 5 folks

    Sort of told another guy at work (he's just pretending I didn't)

    I have signed up to a Gay dating web site, which is sooo sad, but beggars cant be choosers, will have to see how that turns out.

    Was deaply deaply sad on friday but strangely not so bad saturday night or sunday, bit more so so today, saw stupid comments guy today at work, don't know if its him or me, but there is a definate chill in the air now, but he was pleasant enough, so I guess thats his problem not mine, if I wanted to I could keep well out of his way, but stuff him, why should I, although I did hang about a bit today, so the infamous changing room was empty when I got there, which is a bit f***** up I suppose.
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