Well I've been away from here for a while. Things were looking up, but now Im right back where I started. At the grand old age of 40 finally told my little brother I'm gay, and a mate / guy I have worked with for the last 23 years, which you would think, should have cheered me up at bit and it did for a while. Then a young lad at work asked me if I was gay, so I gave him all the normal double talk answers, lots of words but no real information, then I said, "does it really matter", his reply was, "yes, you get changed in the same changing rooms as me", "but dont worry if you are that way, I'll still talk to you", suddenly the reailty of being openly gay, hit home, he's a really nice lad, we get on well, hell I've even been the pub with him a couple of times, he told me I was his role model a while back, then he comes out with a load of old biggited bollocks like that. I cant stand telling all the lies any more, I play for the pink team, so f***** what, I just dont think I have the strength to cope wioth all the other crap that comes with being honest, when asked if I'm gay anymore, it doesn't happen often, guess it was the straw that broke the camels back. Keep getting that sinking fealing again, and have started crying, or doing the sad laugh thing, a lot as well, still laying off the booze though, as my thoughts get very dark when I have been drinking alot, that side of things is starting to scare me, I've been there before and don't think I'll get a third chance. I just dont know what to do for the best and before you say it, I dont do doctors, or pills, or counceling, it's taken me 25 years to tell my best mate and my brother I'm gay, so to go and tell a stranger I'm suffering from suicidal depresion just isn't going to happen. So I'm kinda stuck, I cant carry one being completely alone for the rest of my days, I cant cope with the bulshit that comes with being openly gay and I dont want to even think about how the hel a middle aged fat bloke goes about meeting younger gay guys, let alone having a relationship. So it appears, I'm dambed if I do, and dambed if I don't. If there is a god, I'm going punch him in the face, first chance I get !