I haven't been able to get on this site much lately. I've been working almost everyday at my two day this calendar month (october 2010) with no day off since sept to my knowledge. When I do get time to myself, I usually sleep, watch sports, or get on SportsBlog Nations Falcoholic site. In case you didn't catch my last few posts...I'm agnostic, I'm in depression, very cynical, and very frustrated. Why Not everything I can explain To this date when the bottom fell out for me in 2009 I don't have any friends (although you can say one "friend" who lives 35 plus miles from me lets me work at his job for $10 (W9) an hour whenever I'm not obligated during weekday daylight hours from my minimum wage job to work at his job to help him - also 35 miles away from my home) I feel like I cannot connect and relate to people on a social bonding level I lost the love of my life, my companion, my intimate friend, soulmate...almost inexplicably when I tried everything I could to maintain...then win her back (but I didn't have a lot of resources and experience to work with) - She simply fell out of love for me although just days prior she was singing a different tune and did try to fight those negative feelings and claimed she didn't want to leave me but somehow the negative feelings beat out the positive ones. So the dreams and visions we shared and our compatiablity is all lost. I lost the apartment I shared with her, and now live with my parents My car has only been drivable three weeks out of the last 16 months including this week and had to be towed home earlier this week. I can't find consistent income as my previous job collapsed also inexplicably. Even though it was a seasonal intermitten job that was my main source of income since 2007, my new job that is ongoing but minimal wage, but ask so much from me and works me crazy hours in a retail environment, still would pay me less than my last job believe it or not. And even with the second job most of my money is being eaten up in transportation cost (both jobs are 20 and 35 miles away), rent/bills, and fixing a car that won't work, and I'm going to try to use the money I've saved to help my parents pay their taxes. Money doesn't mean anything to me ultimately. But it's the only thing of value that I have. I rather not work. I rather be self sufficient than rich, and not need anything or anybody. I can grow my own food, furnish my own energy, manufacture my own resources for myself or anyone I feel is worthy. I don't like this country (USA) anymore. I want to travel to see what else is out there for no particular reason. However another part of me is like, that one cure my problem. I will still be unhappy. Even therapy at $250 couldn't cure me. I don't like lying to myself to make me feel better. I got to be who I am and find happiness naturally. And if that means all of that doesn't exist, and I'll never win her back (or replace her), find the friends that fits my style, finding my place in the social world, being self sufficient, finding personal happiness... then so be it. Sometime I feel like if I can find the right combination, I can end my life on a day that is ordinary like no other, and I wouldn't know that I would do it until then, and I would say "Don't think, just do it". Still I'm months to a few years away from that, because I have to cope with the thought of death. But these thoughts haven't gone away in the past 13 plus months. I cannot fight them much longer. Although 75% of this is because of her, even if I was to win her back and reconcile, I still would have issues to fix myself to. But all of those other issues wouldn't mean anything without her or someone like her. I'm tired of starting over every single time when it's so hard to find something and someone that's so unique and special, you know it's the right one/thing. It's what life/God has rewarded you for. That was the "something better" that you've been waiting for. And then that's gone. I want at least one core element that last forever. Otherwise I am fine with there being changes in life, just not everything! I need consistent success. Everytime I think I have something successful that's giving me an identity, I don't. I'm tired of being wrong. I can't keep suffering. Ending my life sounds like the best thing to do, although no one will agree with this. No one will agree with my agnosticism (although I try to still be open about faith) saying I'm lost and confused and I need to keep praying. People don't understand me. People don't respect my agnosticism as a real strong entity. We do have a voice. Being not religious or spiritual should mean not always talking about God in a christian way (that annoys the crap out of me) Christians are still saying they aren't religious or spiritual...YOU CAN'T OWN EVERYTHING!!! All I'm saying is it's been a long 13-16 months of futily, and I'm due for some fruitity...hopefully is soon before the next calendar year, and there are some signs, but many of my previous predictions for signs have failed to yield positives.