Things stopped progressing.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by arnie, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. arnie

    arnie New Member

    I don't really get it.
    Why do i insist on procrastinating, being lazy, and doing nothing useful with my time?
    I know it's ruining everything, i know it's what made everything in my life bad.
    What makes me different that i can't handle doing simple things like homework, projects, or studying without having a mental breakdown?

    It started about a month ago. I was absent from school for a week or so and the work piled up. This is going to sound stupid, but i procrastinated because my friend showed me a new video game and i played it with him for a few days. I think this small thing is what started it. I got all my work done still, but i felt godawful the next morning. I stayed home from school again, and really didn't have any make up work. But i just started to feel worried, anxious.

    Every bit of homework becoming a chore, every project the equivalent of running a marathon. I want to say i don't have enough time, that's why it's so difficult, but that's a lie. I have so much time. I could have gotten every single project done for the next month just by taking an hour or two out of my day. The thought is enticing, even making me ecstatic to think that i could spend an entire month without any homework or problems. But i can't, why can't i push myself?

    Sometimes i would get out of my bed, grab my backpack, and spread out my work on my bed. Then i would just sit there, staring at it, sometimes laying down; thinking nothing, doing nothing. Then i would tell myself i would get it done in an hour, and get back on my computer. From there i would continue to play games and watch videos, and barely finish my homework before 1 o'clock in the morning, receiving a nonstop stream of anger from my parents for it. It seems like every day this happens. No matter what i do, i can shut off my computer and un-plug it, i can leave the room, i can walk outside to the bench table with all my work. I just can't do it, i don't know why.

    None of it is hard for me, as a matter of fact it would be quite easy in a literal sense, taking somewhere from 15-20 minutes for an assignment. But whenever i try to my mind wanders, goes blank, yadda yadda. It's starting to happen for a lot of the things i do, and it's all because i'm hopeless so deep down. I know i can do it, but i know i won't, it's pretty odd. I feel stupid, so stupid and lazy. Even with things i'm enthusiastic about, like programming, or reading, i can't bring myself to do anything. I know it won't stop, and it will continue until 10th grade, graduation, college, and even when i get a job. This mindset makes me hopeless, because i know i won't get anywhere. I can't see myself graduating, i can't see myself making anyone happy, i can't see myself doing anything with my life. I feel like i'm just soaking up my parents' money and time and wasting it. My grades are starting to fail, and even writing this i'm procrastinating my english homework.

    Am i really gonna do anything with my life? In the short term, or long term? I seriously doubt i will. I'm considering just dropping out, maybe getting my parents to homeschool me, and just sleep and live with my lazy, stupid attitude. I'm thinking of maybe running away, but i know that won't work. I'm doomed to live a hellish life that will finally only end when i get kicked out of my house.

    So, i'm thinking of just ending it. When you can accurately plan out your failure of a life based on things you can't change, what other hope do you have? I tried changing things, i tried as hard as i could. I just want my parents to live their lives, go do fun things for themselves, stop worrying about me. I don't want to make them sad, but i think they would understand if they knew what i was really thinking. Or they wouldn't. That's really the only thing stopping me at this point. That and the physical pain of liver failure, choking to death, or however i do it.

    I know i'm only 14, I know I have a long life ahead of me, but i don't think a long life is really worth it. I'll plan it out, and i'll be dead in a week unless someone can help. Maybe i'll run away first, i don't know, or care. I'll do whatever that stupid version of my mind that lives to play and have fun and absorb care and spew it out as nothing wants me to do. But in the end i'll find a way to let what i really think break through the hold of my natural instinct to achieve pleasure in any way i can, if only long enough to pull the trigger.

    I'd write more but my dad is getting pissed because my homework isn't done. Thanks for reading this.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello Arnie. We are all fourteen once. Your parents want you to achieve to have a good life, you are uncertain about your life. Sounds pretty normal to me. Do you have an unresolved issue that you are ignoring? I know when I ignore an issue it affects everything. That is until I grab it by the horns and say, " OK issue lets get you resolved!" After I go through the process of dealing with something I have been putting off. I then become free once again to live life as I normally do.
    School was never a pleasant experience for me, and I stopped caring by the attitudes and name calling in home and school. But now looking back I can say one thing. Life could have been a lot better if I had done one thing. And that is focusing on my school work and aiming to please my parents.
    Your folks are doing and saying everything out of fear, and love. They love you so much, and that love drives them to fear for you and your future. Get used to it. Being a parent now I can understand it better. Don't throw in the towel for life, and do not run away. I had done it twice as a kid, and the outcome wasn't pleasant in either instances. Use your love for your folks to drive you on, and before you know it. Home life will be a lot better, and you can achieve a lot more. It is a win win. Hope this helps.
  3. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    There are other ways to success. Many reached what they want in life not by studying hard. Try to find other ways that would work for u. But then again u are only 14. Give It a little more time. Maybe u will like studying later on.
  4. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member are you today?
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