you know the saying? How much times we say it to others, or get told about that. Since my last crisis, I'd been told that too. I tried to fight my alcoholism, and even went to a rehab for two weeks - something that should help a person, right? Well, I got out of the rehab sick, with swine flu. I didn't have it in really a hard form, so I got ok pretty fast, if not for the cough, that didn't go away. And now, after a month, last week, when I went to a doctor about it that persisting annoying cough, I get diagnosed with pulmonary tuberculosis, probably triggered by the flu, or the fact the rehab had really poor conditions and the heating didn't work half the time. I don't have a temporary job. Because of the damn tuberculosis, I won't get any for a couple more months. Then I need to write a diploma for college, but I can't go to college either for the same time, and honestly, I have no power left to actually do that project. Wherever I look at my life, I see ruin, desolation, and lack of any prospect. How can it get better, I don't know. It's like, even if I magically got rid of my dependance on alcohol, and my health got better, allowing me to do something constructive and start rebuilding everything, there's no real motivation there. There's no one or nothing worth the effort at this point. I would and probably will kill myself soon, but at the current moment I'm somewhat scared. Not of death, but of lost opportunities. Irrationally, those hypothetical "better" things still linger and tempt me, though, ironically enough, I never knew what they are or could be.