Think about Suicide all the Time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kaputnik, Apr 18, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. kaputnik

    kaputnik New Member

    I've thought about suicide on and off for the last twenty years or so but recently I think about it all the time. Here's my story:

    I'm 48 and grew up in a dysfunctional family. My parents never told me they loved me or validated me as a person. I recently realized they gave me defective programming, they told me I was no good and their actions showed me I didn't matter. My mother even told me she didn't want to get pregnant but she was stuck with me. I don't feel I can be loved, I'm not worth anything and I have nothing to contribute to this world. My life is meaningless except for my daughter.

    When I was 13 my dad killed himself. After that I started drinking and doing drugs. It escalated until I became a junkie. I did that for a few years and then in my mid 30's I got pregnant. I decided to clean up and raise a kid the right way, it's one thing to fuck myself up but it's another to ruin someone else's life. So I had my daughter by myself, I went to college and got a degree, I got a decent job and bought a house. For the first time in my life someone loved me, it was my daughter. I was relatively happy and content until recently. She's now 13 and no longer wants to hang out with me. I'm devastated, I have no one else in my life. The only person that ever loved me is going away, she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I'm alone and I don't want to be. I'd rather be dead. This life sucks.

    I feel my life's purpose is done. I don't really want to leave my daughter an orphan just yet so I've decided to wait a few years and then kill myself. I guess I could try anti-depressant drugs but I don't think I have a chemical imbalance, I think I was programmed wrong as a child so I have no self-worth, no self-confidence and it's caused me to create a life of loneliness. I recently started seeing a psychologist and told her about this and asked her how I can change my programming. All she could say is it takes time. A stupid answer like that leads me to believe it can't be done, I'm stuck with what my parents programmed into me. I can't tell this therapist my thoughts about suicide either, she's obligated to have me confined if she thinks I'm going to hurt myself. So this is the only place I know of that I can talk about my constant thoughts of death. I think about it all the time.

    Aside from my father, my very close friend killed himself and one of my high school friends killed himself. Suicide seems to be a popular choice of people in my life.

    My only hope is that someone will read this and think about how their words and actions will affect their children. What you do and say to your children will be with them their entire lives. Please, be conscious of how you treat your children.
  2. kaputnik

    kaputnik New Member

    I just want to thank everyone here for validating my feelings of being useless to this world. It really is time to kill myself. 15 people viewed my post and not one of you could say welcome to the forum or give me any words of hope. Nothing. The other new people at least get a welcome from someone. Me, as usual, I get nothing. I guess I'm invisible and don't matter. People always interrupt me when I'm talking, as if I'm not there and on forums no one ever responds. What a miserable life. I guess what my parent's told me was true, maybe they were able to see into the future and know that no one would ever care about me or love me give a shit whether I lived or died. Thanks for the support everyone.
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I didn't see your post, sorry for that.

    But suicide really should not be an option for you if you have a child. It will damage them forever, no matter what age they are.

    But I don't think that's something you'll have to revert to. You've made it 48 years, and apparently through a lot of challenges.

    I'm 16 and I'm already searching for a way out.

    There has to be inner strength if you can make it that long.

    You got over your addictions, and then went on to make something of yourself.

    Don't give up now. :hug:
  4. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Sorry that no one replied sooner, some people just have trouble thinking of what to say. :hug: Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you've really been through a lot, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. :( With your daughter, try not to worry too much. Teens are angsty and sometimes think it's 'uncool' to spend a lot time with their parents ... the good news is she'll grow out of that. :) Have you tried self help books? I know the suggestion is insulting to some people, but it totally rewired my thinking on something I had a serious problem with. If you can't tell your therapist much about wanting to kill yourself, try talking about your past and maybe she can support you a bit? About your dad and friends. You've faced a lot in your 48 years... don't give up now! We're here to listen.
  5. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    i totally agree with the PP. teens r just something else..nothing personal. but at 13,i tried my best to pretend the folks didnt exist. its atime when ur daughter is trying to deal with her identity, test boundaries n discover her independence. its a whole new world out there for her and she may want to start living life on her own terms.its that age when parents can b such an embarassment. that might just b it.

    pls b positive n take pride in the fact that inspite of being thru so much inlife, u have that beautiful girl, growing up into a confident young woman.

    just hang in there n enjoy each moment of it


    yeah, a lot of us put a lot of thot into posts before writing. so that might have been just it! people here are very supportive. stick around n u shall see that for urself
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Don't take it personally that the members here didn't respond in a timely manner. The time zone differences make it difficult. I just saw your post and I try to respond to as many as possible, especially those in which I feel I can be particularly helpful. I'm 50 and have experienced everthing you have, from the non-loving parents to drugs to friends taking their own lives. The only difference is that I'm a male and don't have any children. I have a niece that I was close with but she started to drift away from the frienship I developed with her at about 13 also. I guess this is when they begin to discover their own identity and develop their own pier groups. Without knowing you personally, I can't be sure, but there's a pretty good chance she'd be devastated losing her mother. If you don't have a chemical imbalance I suggest sticking with therapy. It took me about 20 years to find the right person, but I finally did. Of course, I'm also on meds. which seem to take the edge off, but if the patterns hold true, your daughter will develop a new relationship with you sooner than you think and will be seeking the advice and friendship a mother can provide. Stick with us for awhile and send me a private message any time; I respond to all. Even though I'm not a woman, I have plenty of female bonds; my sister, cousins, etc. who have daughters the same age as yours and who have the same feelings.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2009
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.