I've thought about suicide on and off for the last twenty years or so but recently I think about it all the time. Here's my story: I'm 48 and grew up in a dysfunctional family. My parents never told me they loved me or validated me as a person. I recently realized they gave me defective programming, they told me I was no good and their actions showed me I didn't matter. My mother even told me she didn't want to get pregnant but she was stuck with me. I don't feel I can be loved, I'm not worth anything and I have nothing to contribute to this world. My life is meaningless except for my daughter. When I was 13 my dad killed himself. After that I started drinking and doing drugs. It escalated until I became a junkie. I did that for a few years and then in my mid 30's I got pregnant. I decided to clean up and raise a kid the right way, it's one thing to fuck myself up but it's another to ruin someone else's life. So I had my daughter by myself, I went to college and got a degree, I got a decent job and bought a house. For the first time in my life someone loved me, it was my daughter. I was relatively happy and content until recently. She's now 13 and no longer wants to hang out with me. I'm devastated, I have no one else in my life. The only person that ever loved me is going away, she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I'm alone and I don't want to be. I'd rather be dead. This life sucks. I feel my life's purpose is done. I don't really want to leave my daughter an orphan just yet so I've decided to wait a few years and then kill myself. I guess I could try anti-depressant drugs but I don't think I have a chemical imbalance, I think I was programmed wrong as a child so I have no self-worth, no self-confidence and it's caused me to create a life of loneliness. I recently started seeing a psychologist and told her about this and asked her how I can change my programming. All she could say is it takes time. A stupid answer like that leads me to believe it can't be done, I'm stuck with what my parents programmed into me. I can't tell this therapist my thoughts about suicide either, she's obligated to have me confined if she thinks I'm going to hurt myself. So this is the only place I know of that I can talk about my constant thoughts of death. I think about it all the time. Aside from my father, my very close friend killed himself and one of my high school friends killed himself. Suicide seems to be a popular choice of people in my life. My only hope is that someone will read this and think about how their words and actions will affect their children. What you do and say to your children will be with them their entire lives. Please, be conscious of how you treat your children.