think i might be bipolar

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lawstudentindebt, Dec 3, 2009.

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  1. lawstudentindebt

    lawstudentindebt Active Member

    This just randomly occurred to me as a possible explanation of my recent plummetting into the extreme sense despair that I've been feeling lately.

    Two years ago, I was doing two unrelated masters degrees at the same time--which I finished, both summa cum laude, in the time it usually takes to complete one, took the LSAT and blew it away. At that time, I was also working full time, I worked out 3 hours a day, and ran a marathon. And I don't actually have a particularly high IQ, and was never athletic before. During that time, I also had more sex than most people have during their entire lives--I frequently cheated on the woman I was engaged with at the time, and left her because I thought I could do better. I went out with friends and drank copious amounts of alcohol EVERY night. I was a narcissistic scumbag, in other words.

    Then I came to law school, continued the above pattern for a couple months, then suffered a major physical injury, followed by a stream of completely unsuccesful relationships--am hopelessly attached emotionally still to one of them, who clearly has no interest in me anymore. I find it an unsurmountable effort to study for one hour. I don't care about my courses, I don't read for pleasure, I don't even clean my room. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months. I don't feel like I have a single person in law school who I would call a close friend. I sit around and feel sorry for myself, feeling lonely, editing my suicide note, and having to make a huge effort to resist drinking a whole bottle of morphine to put myself out of my misery.

    BTW, my sister has bipolar (untreated) and both my grandfathers committed suicide .
  2. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    It's difficult facing a past when you realize that you're at fault for such a miserable state. Why stay in the past, attached to people who don't value your existence, when the future is so promising; particularly for you, who has educated himself to death. :lol!:

    You can always choose to break the trend of your grandfathers, and be the exception to the rule, regarding the Bipolar Disorder in the family. Have you considered taking an absence from school for about a year to refresh? Sometimes it helps to temporarily step away from a situation when you've become so saturated with self-loathing that it conflicts with your studies. Certainly you don't want to fail out.

    Keep working on that note. Maybe by the time you finish, if you ever finish (hopefully you don't), you'll have different feelings about suicide. I'm sure it could become a bestselling book, and clear your debt. Just a thought. :-o
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