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Think I want to die...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sc01706, Nov 12, 2012.

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  1. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    Well I've been here about 2 years now and not much has changed. When I was young I used to live in the city. I had friends in the neighborhood I would play with and I don't recall ever being depressed. By 7th grade my parents decided to move 180 miles north to a small rural town because the neighborhood we lived in was going downhill and the schools were pretty bad.

    I started at the new school and it just never seemed to work out. I never seemed to make friends. I lived in the middle of nowhere and it wasn't like the city where all the kids from school lived within a square mile. I increasingly became a loner though high school. I never developed social skills in high school. I never had a girlfriend. Never went to prom or homecoming. My grades were pretty average. I went to a community college and again didn't try very hard and got mediocre grades.

    I ended up getting a job in sales. Someone who can't make conversation with people and has no friends somehow landed a sales job. As expected I crashed and burned and got fired within a year.

    After being unemployed for 18 months due to the fact I'm lazy and just didn't care to find a job, I landed a job back in the city I grew up in. I figured this would solve my problems but I was wrong. Even though I don't try very hard, I have excelled at the job, ranking 2nd in the department out of 70 employees. Even with my great performance, I get the shitty shifts because they need the good employees to cover the late evening shifts. I get no reward for overachieving. I hate my job and feel I'm at a dead end.

    Meanwhile in the past 3-4 years, I've gained 150 pounds. I was at 250 pounds which was overweight, but given my height I didn't look that big. I have since ballooned to over 400 pounds. I just have no motivation. I don't shave very often anymore. I even go without washing my clothes as long as they don't have stains. I pass on going to baseball games because I'm afraid I won't fit in the seat.

    I just can't seem to be able to converse with people. When people ask me what I do for fun, I don't know what to say. I have no idea where the hell my day goes. I don't play video games, watch a lot of tv or movies, listen to music etc. I can just sit and do nothing for hours. I daydream a lot. My daydreams either involve me being a professional baseball player, married and/or having children. I also sleep a lot. I can stay in bed for 10-12 hours but never sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time and I still always feel tired.

    I seem to take comfort in dying. Sometimes I get chest pains and think I'm having a heart attack and panic thinking I'm going to die. I want to die but yet don't. At this point I just find excuses to live. Before it was just live till the end of the World Series, now it's just live through the holidays. I've only worked my job for 8 months and hate it. I don't know how much longer I can go.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you ever gone to your doctor and ask for help hun. You seem so depressed and so alone. I think hun if you can talk to someone a professional that will help you get out of this downward spiral ok You don't want to die you infact want to live but you just need help to do so hun please call you doctor ok ask about some help some therapy meds whatever it will take to get you moving to where you want to be hugs
  3. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    That's another thing. I don't know how to find a psychiatrist. Plus with my shitty work hours, I'm never available during doctor's hours.
  4. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I don't think that you want to die - you just don't want to live. There's a difference (at least I believe so).

    You certainly sound as though you have depression - the sleeping a lot, being tired, listless etc are all classic symptoms which would suggest that a doctor might be able to help. Medication may help to eleviate some of the problem. As to finding a psychiatrist you could try talking to your GP (which you would probably have to do in order to get diagnosed and meds) - they may have to refer you anyway (depending upon your location, rules are different for different countries). What about days off? Is there any chance you can speak to a doctor about this?

    In the meantime, you can always talk here.

    I hope you find something that helps. Good luck.
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello. I'm sorry you are feeling down. In reading what you wrote though, I can see that you have identified a lot of your own answers but perhaps you are unclear of them. You can't go backwards, but you can move forward to work on wellness. You state that you're job is a dead end, but you also say you don't try very hard and despite that, you do very well at it. Imagine what you could achieve if you tried really hard? I watched my own oldest son work his way up from busboy in a restaurant, to where he now is the General Manager for several of their locations. It was excelling with hard work that got him there. That won't happen everywhere, but it's a first step perhaps. You can always job shop if the current one offers no reward or advancement. Gaining some motivation, by setting goals, may help a lot as well... including in the weight situation. You might consult with a doctor and get a diet put in place that is healthy for you. I got the impression from what you wrote that you are getting the night shifts (since you said that is where the good workers get put and you said you are a good worker). That should allow you day time hours to get doctor appointments. Does the job provide you health care benefits? Finding a doctor these days is as easy as Google and the Internet - or asking for referrals from your insurance company (if you're covered).

    In high school, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't go to prom (ick... by choice), and my grades were average. Those are not deciding factors of a future because I did okay regardless. You can too. You have already identified all of your roadblocks, so now put a plan in place to overcome them, and set a destination with milestones along the way. Measure your performance toward achieving your goal(s) and self-impose motivation (sleep less, groom more, cut out the video games).

    I hope you find wellness because the alternative is not the answer.
  6. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I work 11:30-8 shift so it consumes my whole day especially when you consider commute times. My days off are weekends so I just never have time to schedule a doctor appointment. I have health insurance but it's high deductible so I'd have to pay for doctor's visits. I'm just lazy and don't want to work. The thought of working for the next 40+ years depresses me.
  7. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    i can relate. though i am not overweight i too daydream how i wish life would be. dont like my job either.
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