Well I've been here about 2 years now and not much has changed. When I was young I used to live in the city. I had friends in the neighborhood I would play with and I don't recall ever being depressed. By 7th grade my parents decided to move 180 miles north to a small rural town because the neighborhood we lived in was going downhill and the schools were pretty bad. I started at the new school and it just never seemed to work out. I never seemed to make friends. I lived in the middle of nowhere and it wasn't like the city where all the kids from school lived within a square mile. I increasingly became a loner though high school. I never developed social skills in high school. I never had a girlfriend. Never went to prom or homecoming. My grades were pretty average. I went to a community college and again didn't try very hard and got mediocre grades. I ended up getting a job in sales. Someone who can't make conversation with people and has no friends somehow landed a sales job. As expected I crashed and burned and got fired within a year. After being unemployed for 18 months due to the fact I'm lazy and just didn't care to find a job, I landed a job back in the city I grew up in. I figured this would solve my problems but I was wrong. Even though I don't try very hard, I have excelled at the job, ranking 2nd in the department out of 70 employees. Even with my great performance, I get the shitty shifts because they need the good employees to cover the late evening shifts. I get no reward for overachieving. I hate my job and feel I'm at a dead end. Meanwhile in the past 3-4 years, I've gained 150 pounds. I was at 250 pounds which was overweight, but given my height I didn't look that big. I have since ballooned to over 400 pounds. I just have no motivation. I don't shave very often anymore. I even go without washing my clothes as long as they don't have stains. I pass on going to baseball games because I'm afraid I won't fit in the seat. I just can't seem to be able to converse with people. When people ask me what I do for fun, I don't know what to say. I have no idea where the hell my day goes. I don't play video games, watch a lot of tv or movies, listen to music etc. I can just sit and do nothing for hours. I daydream a lot. My daydreams either involve me being a professional baseball player, married and/or having children. I also sleep a lot. I can stay in bed for 10-12 hours but never sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time and I still always feel tired. I seem to take comfort in dying. Sometimes I get chest pains and think I'm having a heart attack and panic thinking I'm going to die. I want to die but yet don't. At this point I just find excuses to live. Before it was just live till the end of the World Series, now it's just live through the holidays. I've only worked my job for 8 months and hate it. I don't know how much longer I can go.