I just woke up. I shouldn't have woken up, I am tired and want to sleep. First thing I think about every morning is her. Last thing I think about every night is this her. The one who I dreamed about my whole life, even though I only met her about 2 months ago. When I was with her, I felt like a normal person. I felt happy, the type of happiness I remember I felt when I was a kid. Now, I cry at night, almost every night I cry. I haven't cried for over 12 years before I met her, I cry a lot now. Under my blanket, I cry like a child. I miss her so much. Holding her hand, her head on my shoulder. Her kiss. She helped me discover a piece of myself that I didn't even know existed. When she left me, she took that piece with her and the pointlessness of my life has never been more apparent. I have been deluding myself for days, thinking that there was still a chance we could get back together. But this is reality, not some movie. I can't fucking do this. It's weak and pathetic, I know. But I just can't do this. I won't. The past two weeks have been hell. This IS hell. I feel a weight on my chest and I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. When I look in the mirror, I don't like the reflection looking back at me. I smile, and my reflection smiles back, but it's different. I can't explain it. I think I will kill myself. The decision is a comforting one. I have been wrestling with this decision for over a decade, like a tug-of-war between my desire to live and my wish to die. It's too bad euthanasia isn't legal here. I think that would have been best. I am a 26 year old physically healthy and fit male. I would like to have at least donated all my organs and blood to someone fighting for life. Maybe Switzerland, they offer assisted suicide to people from overseas. I don't belong in this world.