Think I'll do it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joseph1011, Aug 5, 2012.

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  1. Joseph1011

    Joseph1011 Member

    I just woke up. I shouldn't have woken up, I am tired and want to sleep.

    First thing I think about every morning is her. Last thing I think about every night is this her. The one who I dreamed about my whole life, even though I only met her about 2 months ago. When I was with her, I felt like a normal person. I felt happy, the type of happiness I remember I felt when I was a kid.

    Now, I cry at night, almost every night I cry. I haven't cried for over 12 years before I met her, I cry a lot now. Under my blanket, I cry like a child. I miss her so much. Holding her hand, her head on my shoulder. Her kiss. She helped me discover a piece of myself that I didn't even know existed. When she left me, she took that piece with her and the pointlessness of my life has never been more apparent. I have been deluding myself for days, thinking that there was still a chance we could get back together. But this is reality, not some movie.

    I can't fucking do this. It's weak and pathetic, I know. But I just can't do this. I won't. The past two weeks have been hell. This IS hell. I feel a weight on my chest and I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. When I look in the mirror, I don't like the reflection looking back at me. I smile, and my reflection smiles back, but it's different. I can't explain it.

    I think I will kill myself. The decision is a comforting one. I have been wrestling with this decision for over a decade, like a tug-of-war between my desire to live and my wish to die. It's too bad euthanasia isn't legal here. I think that would have been best. I am a 26 year old physically healthy and fit male. I would like to have at least donated all my organs and blood to someone fighting for life. Maybe Switzerland, they offer assisted suicide to people from overseas.

    I don't belong in this world.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey Joseph. Please don't kill yourself man. You met a pretty girl and felt alive again, thus you know that you can feel better. Just find another girl like her. Have you tried dating sites? I was just messaged by a pretty girl on Plenty of Fish. Dating and breakups are just part of our reality and the sooner you can accept that the better.
  3. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    Don't kill yourself. Have you ever heard the saying "Don't use a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? Committing suicide is permanent decision. You can't take it back. You have a long life ahead of you, and I'm sure you will find another girlfriend.
  4. SoftStyle

    SoftStyle Member

    Actually it's: "Suicide is a permanent solution to recurring problems"
  5. slartibartfast

    slartibartfast New Member

    What you are feeling is love sickness, everyone gets it at one point. Its where the best songs/books and poetry comes from. I know now it's dark and you don't see any light but believe me time will heal it. Infact time will most likely grant you someone else who you would never meet if you took your own life. Get lost in sad songs, cry till your eyes are sore and remember it's not the end. Who knows what's around the corner
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

  7. Joseph1011

    Joseph1011 Member

    Ugh, wrote this at 3 in the morning when I woke up for no reason, and I felt so...lost, alone, sad, tired...

    I just got home from work, and I feel better now. Work keeps me busy, I'd work 16 hours a day if I could. It's only during the evenings, and nights, that I feel so upset.
    It's like I have two personalities. The one at work is still a normal person, just sad and lonely, but still functioning, and still fighting. The one at home during the evening, and night, especially at night, is the one who wants to die. And this morning at 3am was the first time I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason, still mentally and physically tired, and was unable to go back to sleep, at least not for a good hour or so.

    But I've decided to keep fighting. It helps having the amazing friends and coworkers that I have. More than one has approached me lately and asked if I was okay, if I wanted to talk. I thought I was hiding it better than this.

    Won't say I won't still kill myself one day, but not today, and not next week. I'm glad I found this forum. It helps to write down your feelings, it helps to get it off your chest, it helps to know someone has actually read it, and took the time to reply. And I think when you convert your feelings into words, that it sort of organizes them, and the problems appear to be more "solvable", and less overwhelming.

    Maybe I'm just feeling more normal right because I just got home from work, likely tonight I will feel the same as last night, and the night before that. I just hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night again. Thinking about death helped me go back to sleep last night.
  8. slartibartfast

    slartibartfast New Member

    suicide isn't a solution it's an avoidance and creates more problems than it ultimately solves( if any)
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