Think I've gone crazy

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Twowires, Feb 27, 2010.

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  1. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    Don't really know what the rules are anymore, but I'm pre-warning that this is long, possibly sweary and may trigger some [sensitive] people.


    I used to come here a while ago, about 4 years back, under a different name.

    I'm not really expecting anything from this, but I know I'll feel better if it's on paper, and I'm not the only one reading it.

    Ok, When I was 14 I started showing signs of really bad depression, it just sort of, kicked in and took over my life at one point, i went from reasonably well-adjusted (I had proper friends and real hobbies, for once) to a miserable, self-harming wreck. I realised that I had gender dysphoria but I didn't let anyone know, when my self-harming got a little close to the vitals I told the school mentor at the time, who took me to a psychologist. She assured me I could trust her, and promised not to tell my parents. The next day I went back and saw my parent's car leaving as we (mentor and I) pulled up - So naturally I lose faith in my psychologist and stormed out.

    I put up with my depression and self-harmed less, but not long after (timing is hazy, I'll explain later) I had to go back, with a new psychologist, I didn't tell her much, or really any of the truth, so I got nothing done, eventually I just stopped going.

    I stopped self-harming and coming here because my dad was constantly checking me, and this is where my paranoia began. With my parents constantly keeping me in check, I began to worry what else they were doing to control me, and I stopped eating certain foods/drinking tap water for fear of being poisoned/controlled by them, or anyone else. Episodes of paranoia were rare and short, but they fucked me up a lot in the time.

    I promised myself that before college began I'd sort out my gender problems, come out to the world and seek treatment/transitional help. That didn't last. When I was 15/16 I made myself stop and binned any poems, stories, books, clothes, ANYTHING that helped me act out my dysphoria. I even dreadlocked my hair so I couldn't style it (Possibly the only good decision I made, I loved my 'locks).

    When I got to college, I began to have memory problems from school. I could remember most of what I'd learn, but some names, faces and events were just gone to me. I was actually learning Psychology, so it didn't take me long to realise I was blocking the painful parts of my memory.

    Mid-college, my depression started getting really bad, so I dropped out of college and went to my GP, admitted how bad my depression was, explained my worries about my gender and explained to him about how I was having manic episodes too. I didn't mention the paranoia, seeing as I couldn't really remember it. He referred me to a new psychologist, this time an aduly psychiatrist, and also brought up with me the possibility of me having Anorexia nervosa. Which, would appear to be true.

    The psychologist didn't help much. He always seemed rushed and disinterested. He diagnosed me with depression and ignored my manic episodes, other symptoms and gender dysphoria. When he prescribed me with anti-depressants only suitable for severe depression (known to cause psychosis in sufferers of bipolar) I stopped going, and destroyed my medication. I don't think I ever took one.

    So I went back to college the following year and my bipolar kicked into overdrive, my manic episodes often resulting in me turning up drunk or not at all, I did a shitload of weed in that time, and spent money I didn't even have, I got more tattoos and piercings, became an impulsive jackass and once again, dropped out.

    I found a short burst of peace (mentally, I still didn't get on with my old man, I was always worried he saw me as a failure) in a full-time job that lasted 2 years, before ending due to a new (horrible) manager. For the 2 years my bipolar was manageable and I pushed all worries about my gender out of my mind, but I began to get obsessive/compulsive about the way my job was done. This got worse and worse as time went on, and now I'm diagnosed with OCD too.

    So long story short, I got a new job in the same field and went to a new college, where I'm doing a much simpler course, they know I'm bipolar so I have a lot of leeway in terms of late work and missing days.

    This past winter has been... horrible, I've lost all drive to succeed, will to work, and my relationship has suffered as my patience and libido has gone to shit. My dysphoria is beginning to drive me insane, I'm having panic attacks over what my parents are feeding me (I cook 99% of my own meals and I get paranoid if people offer me anything), my OCD has me going ballistic at work if someone messes up the stock, in college if someone touches my folders and at home if anyone moves/cleans my stuff, I'm losing sleep and staying in bed all day, finding myself almost in tears (Note: I don't cry, ever. I haven't cried for 5 years) over films I find nostalgic and I feel like I'm going to do something mad.

    I think my mp3 player is telling me things when it's on shuffle for fuck's sakes!

    I'm just getting worse and worse as time goes by, I've gone from depression to bipolar, anorexia, ocd, paranoia and gender dysphoria. What's next on the list, psychosis or something?

    I need help, but I'm scared. I've always been scared about treatment. I'm scared about what it'll do to my personality. If I'll still be me, even if I just take 1 pill. I'm scared about will happen to me if I don't get help. The law can still force treatment on me.

    I'm just scared.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2010
  2. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    Out of interest, do Mal, Loopy, Robin or Moon still frequent here?

    It'd be nice to know how they're doing.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome back...I am so glad you thought to come here for support...fearing treatment is quite common, but maybe the outcome will be better than where you are right now...everything new is a risk, but this might be one worth taking...please continue to tell us how you are doing...big hugs, J
  4. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    Just take some day off and travel around the world.
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