im really struggling tonight, its been the worst ive felt since i was discharged from hospital last thursday. I feel like im fighting a loosing battle. I was so close to succeeding last week, that it makes it all the more tempting to just go for it again, that at last i might be dead.
Its been guilt, guilt for my family, thats kept me here this long, i honestly just really dont want to be alive. I know who i *should* contact, and the guilt side of me thinks i should, but i really dont want to. Im terrified they'll put me back in hospital.
I just dont feel like ive got anything to live for, i hate almost everything about my life, especially myself. I cant change it because i dont want to change if that makes sense, i dont want to be *better* because my need to be dead is so much stronger. Im not even scared anymore, in fact im a hell of a lot more scared of being alive. The thought terrifies me because i cant stand the way i feel anymore, it never gets better, ive accepted that, but it persistently gets worse....all the time. I cant cope.
Its been guilt, guilt for my family, thats kept me here this long, i honestly just really dont want to be alive. I know who i *should* contact, and the guilt side of me thinks i should, but i really dont want to. Im terrified they'll put me back in hospital.
I just dont feel like ive got anything to live for, i hate almost everything about my life, especially myself. I cant change it because i dont want to change if that makes sense, i dont want to be *better* because my need to be dead is so much stronger. Im not even scared anymore, in fact im a hell of a lot more scared of being alive. The thought terrifies me because i cant stand the way i feel anymore, it never gets better, ive accepted that, but it persistently gets worse....all the time. I cant cope.
