thinkin of suicide....not sure if this is triggering!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rachael41, Jun 26, 2008.

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  1. Rachael41

    Rachael41 Well-Known Member

    I was doing really well up until a few days ago... I mean sure, i had thought about killing myself but never to the extent i was goin to do it. that was until last Monday....

    I dont know what it was...i just broke down. My dad wasnt i just did it. i ran to the kitchen grabbed the sharpest knife i could and was about to cut my arm open, when i realised i was wrkin and would have to wear a i cut my leg instead......Thats one of the first times iv done it anywher else other than my arm?

    I was soo scared because i had consciously thought "im goin to cut myself but in order to hide it from others i have to do it somewher else on my body".....normally when i cut myself thers adrenaline pumpin and im not really thinkin about it..but on monday i was. and it made me realise hw much i do want to die....

    So iv came up with a goin out this sunday with some friends and the general idea is that we will get a little drunk and have a laugh. But im scared of what i will do...every night since monday i have lay awake staring at my window....and seeing as i live a few levels up, which is quite high, im sure u will all know what i was thinkin about....
    Iv actually started writing goodbye notes and plannin who im goin to phone before i do it?..Im terrified that the drink will give me a little courage to jump from my window?????

    please help? i have no idea what 2 do? i dont know what to say to anyone?
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Raechel,
    I am in the same boat. Do I do it or do I not do it? Are you in therapy? Do you have a doctor? You need someone you trust to talk to. I have a call in to my therapist. So far I haven't herd from her. If you don't have anyone then you should go to the hospital and see if they have a mental therapist there that you can talk to. You should know that you can always come on line and talk to us.
    Can you talk more of what is hurting you? I'm pretty sure you will find someone on the forum that has a similar problem. The good thing about this forum is, you can usually find someone on line just about 24 hours a day. I hope to hear more from you!!!:chopper:!!!
  3. ghosty11

    ghosty11 Guest

    don't worry about it it is fine therapy is unnecessary don't drink DEFINITELY dont drive because of your mental conditions

  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Since you said you were afraid what you will do if you were drunk, do NOT get drunk...that being said, I agree that talking to someone about how you feel and about your SI would be a good idea...also, please continue to post here as it is critical to find a voice, to tell the world how you feel...SI usually is a product of not having this voice, and here is a good place to rehearse telling others how you are doing...plez PM me if I can support you in any way...big hugs, J
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i agree with the others - stay away from drinking or getting high until you are more in control of your impulses. i am way closer to acting on my feelings to harm myself when i am high or drunk, so it's one of my simple self-preservation rules that i try to stay clean.

    i think counselling is a good idea. if you are self-harming it's usually a coping strategy for overwhelming feelings. seeing a counsellor can help you untangle those feelings. a good therapist won't judge you for self-harming, and will carefullly help you find other ways to cope, ones that are less destructive.

    finally, if you are close to hurting yourself please remember that you get help immediately by calling a suicide hotline or showing up at the ER. 6 months ago I wouldn't have tried either of these resources, but have used them multiple times since, and have been glad that i did. their job is to keep you safe. sure, you might feel embarassed at first, but it's actually not as scary as it sounds.

    could you agree to let a friend know how low you are feeling, and ask them to help you go to the ER if necessary? when you are hanging out and if you feel worse, you could agree that they would be there to take you for some help.
  6. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey hun,

    At the risk of sounding like my cpn...has anything changed recently that is making you feel worse?

    I definitely wouldn't recommend alcohol though as it is a depressant & in my experience when I have been drinking I am so much more likely to carry out my plans. As a result I try not to drink these days, I know alcohol can sometimes lift your spirits but this is usually just temporary.

    When I have been drinking my anxiety increases so much to the point it scares me. If you still choose to have a drink on Sunday & find yourself contemplating suicide then please do all you can to stay safe. Simple things like making sure you have nothing in the house that can harm you like any medication can always reduce the likelihood of you harming yourself. You could also talk to the friend on the phone or come online & talk to someone here. Sometimes even just reading & replying to posts is enough of a distraction to stop you from harming yourself.

    Can I ask what help you get...i.e. GP, CPN etc. Just interested to know as I noticed you were from Scotland & I am too.

    Take care & stay safe ((hugs))

    Claire xx
  7. Rachael41

    Rachael41 Well-Known Member

    I dont have a GP or a therapist or anything like that. Iv never had the guts to tell people how i feel and about my self harming? the only ppl that no are online...However about a week ago, i did confess to a friend about how i feel! but thats only because he told me first that he has attempted suicide and self harms....So i no that i wouldnt have told him voluntarily without him telling me!!! :(

    I just feel asthough so much is changin in my life that others could easily deal with!! im obviously just weak!

    Everyone on here is brilliant, and im glad some got bk 2 me! I know i can always come online for advice or help, but part of the reason why i am so open on this is because im sittin at a computer screeen :( theres no way i could admit my true feelings sitting face to face with someone!!! :( :( :(

    Im still goin out on sunday but my friend who is also suicidal told me to call him at any time durin the night if im afraid of what i will do :(

    Thanx everyone, and i wll avoid the alcohol, unless things get me even more down by then!!!
  8. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    Rachel , my friend

    try hunni to resist being put in that position which could lead u to being suceptable to giving in to these tormenting feelings

    avoid the booze if u can hun , just while ur feeling so bad

    u r a good person from whom the world can gain , pls stay hun

    Jo hug
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