Thinking a lot

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by man, May 19, 2008.

  1. man

    man Well-Known Member

    sometimes it just hits me that I am going to die, and that I didnt make it all come true, that I fucked up, what I hate is that no one talks about it, everyone just talks about fucking stupidity, why can't we put more energy into death, no one wants to talk about it, they just ignore it until its to late. Sometimes I kill the pain by watching late night tv and trying to feel conected knowing someone might be watching the same stupid comercials, but there is nothing other thean pain and sedatives, I have never been in love or been emotionaly important to anyone. I feel so damn sad when I realize its all just me all my pain and sadness, all my problems, they are all on me because everyone has their own problems and because we draw in we doom others. I feel like my life is so far away. I see my family members who I loved fallen to heroin and alchool, I see friends I used to have lost in their pointless video games, I see co workers lost to how much ass they can get, I see all this and I feel so alone, watching death consume us slowly as we all dance the pointless dance and I realize I am danceing to, and that we all dance because there is nothing else to do. I feel like tearing away from my body and meting my soul free but I am only my body, I have only ever been my body. Just a biological robot. I am no where near suicide nor do I ever think I will be. But I'm in pain. I just want to find something to do other thean life sedatives. I want a chance to go down swinging I want to be gunned down I want to be in a state of survivalism, I want to need to survive. I hate the way I am only cared about in a negative way, no one cares what goes on unless I'm fucking up, no one cares unless I'm holding them up, no one cares unless I'm smashing my car through theirs, no one cares until I'm destroying.

    Fuck I feel so low right now, I am so traped

    I wish there was something more to life
  2. There is a big difference between existence and life. We are like machines. To have life, means to be more productive and generally happy, whereas existence usually means "just getting by", typically being slow, sluggish, and weary. Society often determines what kind of machine they will allow us to be. Any sort of neglect to us by them, will cause us to be weak. All which determines our "connectedness" to whatever.

  3. i have to disagree... "everything" is not connected with society accepting us or not, for some yes... but for others its not an issue that effects why we just "exist". also, i really cant say that society determines what type of machine we are either, atleast for most, i think thats more genetics and free will. say for example if i were born a certain way, i could do certain things and not just "exist" but of course my genes made me what i am, and have therefor largley contributed to what i do in this period of existence on this planet. also, i have to say upbringing probly has large effect too, society sure of course can be an issue, but its not everyones "problem". this world is full of problems, not just confined to one. my 2 cents.

  4. tried editing this thing, wasnt quik enough... wanted to add that genetics and free will are of course not the only contributors. there are manyyyyyyy roads to "existence"!!! as i think alot of us know.

  5. You are wrong, deadbeat. For instance, one can not get a job, unless a person in charge of hiring reads over the application, checks the background on the person, and accepts the person for the job position. Especially choosing the person over the competing people for the job position. No one can succeed in life without social acceptance.
  6. well... if ONE doesnt even go to apply for a job due to certain things being wrong w/ them either mentally, physically ETC. ETC. then clearly society has nothing to do w/ them "suceeding in life"... the wheel spins both ways.

  7. I'm not talking about that, Megan. I'm talking about rejection. I don't know why you are debating this with me, when you clearly understand why I wrote this message to man.
  8. man

    man Well-Known Member

    I think that while society is hard to tear away from it is possible to do, its just that no one cares and you feel the same as before, I don't know though I hope to tear away and live in compleat exile for a year of my life to see what its like. I feel beter today, I just wish I could accept mortality and change without sadness, by the way I'm not eating any food for the next 10 days (yes I shortened it) I will let you know what my experince is like in this post.

    Good luck to you all.
  9. man

    man Well-Known Member

    day 1, keep thinking about food, water taste bad to me now, already can't wait to eat, low energey, but still feel like I have a lot of strength to draw from... Let you know how day 2 goes...
  10. man

    man Well-Known Member

    day 2,

    If this hunger continues I don't know how much longer I can hold out, I want to eat so bad, so hungry, will keep going
  11. :hug: man and deadbeat. You both are my friends and I want the best for you.
  12. man

    man Well-Known Member

    thanks T sorry can't remember that new name so il just call you T :wink:

    Day 3

    Dam it was the hardest day so far, didn't even post on it, in reality I'm in the early afternoon of day 4 but day 3 was a killer almost gave up, I'm starting to feel very light, I can see my six pack and ribs sharply, can't wait to eat again, its real torture, I can't even imagine what people in countries feel like when they are unasured of the next food they will get, for me I can always give up and be eating something in 10 seconds, for them its a real blind faith

    Good luck to you all

    And T as soon as I can make it back into the chat I would love to catch up with you, and any other old friends
  13. man

    man Well-Known Member

    day 4

    Whorible, I feel so damn bad today, I'm so hungry, want to eat so bad, if nothing changes I will be giving up tomorow, after 5 days of only water, I wanted to make it for 10 but its to much and I have zero suport, I will try to make it as long as I can take it, my deepest sympathiy to anyone who has ever died of starvation

    Good luck to us all