Thinking about doing it any day now...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by matrixbenji, Sep 22, 2010.

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  1. matrixbenji

    matrixbenji New Member

    So ive been having suicidal feelings ever since my second year at high school.

    I got sexually abused by my brother when i was just 3 years old. Fair enough he was young too at the time but it still felt wrong to me... That started a severe chain reaction, since the age of 4 i had been having intercourse with other male members in my class, each time knowing what i was doing was wrong but it 'felt' right since my brother did it to me, this carried on until this very day (im 19) even though i know its wrong and weird, i just cant find myself being attracted to girls and i really want to be, i dont want to be gay, i want to have a straight life with a wife, and children.... And thats where the second problem comes in.

    I dont know if its because ive had alot of intercourse from such a young age but now im pretty much infertile, when i ejaculate barely anything comes out and it is a clear see through liquid, so this totally destroys any chance i had left of having kids, something thats majorly depressed me.

    During my first year of high school i was one of the most popular guy in the school, probably due to me 'messing around' with most the other guys there, but when my second year came i started getting bullied, shunned out. This destroyed my confidence and i never got it back, ever since then ive lost all friends i had and the people i speak to now i know i cant call 'friends'... In year 9, i sliced my wrists. failed. Year 10, pill overdosed. failed. Year 11, tried hanging myself but just couldnt bring myself to do it.

    Now i have just moved to uni and i thought id love it, a chance to get away, start a new life. But i just find myself depressed every single day, thinking about how my childhoods gone, how everythings changing... I just want to throw myself off a building, end it all now before it becomes too much, and thats why im here, i need support badly and i dont know who else i can go to... does anyone have advice? thanks...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    My advice is to get professional help as it is the onlyway to heal. Talk to a coucillor at the uni and they can set you up with some help. Yu cannot heal allt he pain in the past on your own It is too great a good doctor one who has dealt in sexuall abuse one who will not judge you i Hope you reach out and get he help you deserve okay NONE of it was your fault NONE you were to young to understand please go to a professional and get help for you so you can start healing okay you deserve only compassion and understanding I am glad you reached out here because no one will judge you here but you need to really try now and get some professional healing okay. abuse trauma all needs to be dealt with before you canmove on. take care of you now okay please
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I don't think that having sex as a child results in infertility. It's possible that you have a naturally low sperm count, or something else of that nature. In that case, a doctor may be able to help you.

    If you're worried about, or think you might be gay, I would advise you to think hard about it, until you realize the truth, then accept it (if you are indeed homosexual)

    Denying who you are is NOT pleasant.
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