I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I really didnt think I'd be posting what's going on with me on the internet. My thoughts are probably going to appear sporadic and to someone healthy like I am overreacting a lot. I just want an honest assessment or a plan to move forward. Its been plaguing me for a while now, I have attempted it when I was much younger, failed (badly), and thought that was it that life was very much happy. I do not need to be pontificated to or get the "oh it's not worth it, there are other things in life" speech, yah I know, it's cowardly and selfish and hurtful and its making more statistics blah blah blah...I apologize in advance for the callousness portrayed in this post and the lopsidedness and how long it will be...I still don't know why I am posting online to a bunch of strangers and this might get back to someone and the Army will put me on suicide watch and end my career, but whatever, so much has happened to me in a short time that I really don't care. Anyways, to the story... So, background. I'm in the Army. I'm from the Bronx, borough in New York City. My time there I've been cheated on, attempted suicide, lost friends and acquaintances to homicide, suicide, sickness, jail, drug abuse and it really makes for an unhealthy enviornment. My home is fine, middle class working family, parents married 21 years, paying off the house, it's not a problem at home or ever was so please save me the "were you beaten as a kid?"...no, I wasn't. Then again, 21st century stigmatizes a lovetap on the cheek with the back of the hand as a "beating" so I suppose to some bigoted or close-minded peace-lover, I was beaten-that's not the point. I've been hurt by my fair share of females. I guess nice guys do finish last? However, I do not think I am always a nice guy, maybe I deserved it or did something wrong? Whatever, things happen for a reason. The first time was stupid. I was like 14 or something and some girl decided to hook up with some other dude and write him a love note and wasted about a paragraph saying how much of a wierdo or creeper I was. Looking back, I would've laughed a little bit...and I would not have wanted to have sex with someone like her...but hey, I was a dumbass adolescent who was fixated with sexual intercourse at a young age to look "cool" and those trivial statements cut to the bone. Like any other 13/14 year old, seeing movies-suicide was accomplished by downing a bunch of pills and dying just like that...well turns out a few dozen Tylenol do not do anything of the sort other than make you puke everywhere and wish you had died. Family caught wind, friends caught wind...and yah, downward spiral. I felt like it backfired and it came back on me that I was selfish and a coward. Eventually got over it...everything was fine until about February. Hooked up with some girl I had known for a long time. Got into a relationship of sorts, really platonic and fun, I felt great. Then I hear she's seeing someone else-didn't take any note of it. Went to BCT on 11 Sept, and got a letter from her a week before Graduation how she was seeing someone else... , ...however, I already found the love of my life. And I still feel this way. Awesome girl, older than me but just the same as me, smart, athletic, cynical, humorous, put others before herself, loved to hang out and enjoyed a lot of the things I did. She was coming off of a bad breakup about a year before and just had one dude who she saw once a month to fill baser needs and that was it. I had put aside my current girlfriend planning to break up and go with her. She invited me to stay with her over our "Christmas Exodus" 17-day leave period. It was perfect, we were both going EOD with the Army, same squad in Basic, same duty stations, great sex, her parents loved me, perfection. I promised her I would never hurt her, I would never become clingy or selfish or crazy or possessive or paranoid or anything like I used to be when I was a kid. It went great...until she failed school early, everything went to shit. I hated my MOS, I hated our post, I hated everyone around her since I couldn't be with her everyday. No sex, separation (males and females aren't in the same barracks), overthinking and pressure. I was starting to do things I didn't want to do. I shipped off to the second phase a week after we got a hotel room together and talked about our life. I was going to ask her parents for permission to marry her (which I did, they said yes), bought a ring...that we would pickup later and this was a bump in the road and seperation didn't have any bearing... I was wrong. All that time I hated her friends and didn't want her leaving post and drinking. I was listening to other people's conjecture and letting my mind wander. I was being clingy and possessive and hateful. I didn't realize it at the time. It was a mix between paranoia, seperation anxiety and the absolute hatred of EOD and what they did to us that was blinding me. Phase Two is at Eglin Air Force Base in Destin, Florida. It's beautiful here. I started getting more and more depressed to the point no matter what she did to convince me and assure me she wouldn't run off with her old sex-buddy (who, awkwardly enough is already an EOD Tech) or anyone of her close friends I wouldn't listen. We'd fight, have 2 days of peace and either I'd slide into depression again or start another fight. But we always maintained we loved each other. I eventually got kicked out of school. It's political here. First, I failed a test but because of my depression I became callous which made me reckless and cold which made me dangerous which makes me a liability. The day of my Board (the Military's chairman style hearings to see why you deserve a second chance) I didn't get it...called her and she started crying and said she had a lot on her mind. That was 2 Thursday's ago...every night we skype'ed and I tried to pick up the pieces and realized I went back on my promises. She was dealing with stress and all the rushing into an engagement, depression, separation, anger, hate, possessive, clingy-ness and people putting their 2-cents into our relationship all crushed her spirit. She is no longer able to make herself happy. She maintains that she loves me and cares for me but 2 nights ago broke up with me. So...I have lost my MOS. Seperate story, but me and my sister are estranged, it's going on 2 months...its really bad. She predicted this, last thing she said to me was she hopes my girlfriend left me (check), I fail out of school (check), and I die (thinking about it)... My girlfriend (ex now, don't see it that way) says she cant promise me she won't sleep with any other guys or won't see anyone. She doesn't know what she wants to do that we should go on with our lives and whether in 7 days or 7 years see if it works. Here is my problem...I am absolutely devastated I lost her. I failed her and failed myself. I drove her away. I let school corrupt me and let my relationship corrupt school and lost them both. I am partially estranged from my family. I have turned my back on all I held dear, I made her my life and I have lost her. I don't want to wait for indefinite amount of time to not get her. I DON'T want her having sex with some other dude. yes, she's single...but the love of my life sleeping with someone else...that does not compute. I know if it happens we'll fight forever and that'll ruin us again. I don't want to become another one of her old flings that whoever maybe her new boyfriend complains about and puts her through this again. I wanted so bad to work it out, I wanted to have space for her but I couldn't hack it. She broke up with me. So yah, failed out of EOD...lost the love of my life...lost my family and friends...lost my motivation. I am so hemmed up on her sleeping with someone else, it'd be okay if she could promise me she wouldn't, but I'd be controlling if I did that. But I wont be okay with it. I am not okay with losing her-I can't just sleep with someone else or meet someone else and give someone else the ring, it doesn't work like that. Yah, I'm young...blah blah blah...it's too early...I get it, I know, I understand, roger that, hooyah have a nice day...I just don't want to deal with the pain anymore. I want out. . Symbolic and it wont be so messy. And a thought of me decapitated, even though I do feel like dying, is oddly bothersome. I am confused. I am lost. I am angry...I just want to work it out. I told her ill call her Saturday night. If she cant promise me she'll take time for HER, and run off with someone dude then she doesn't have to worry about returning my laptop or my clothes or my other things...I'll be dead. Yah...sucks. Help...please?