Thinking about dying this weekend...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PFC-Rau, Apr 10, 2013.

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  1. PFC-Rau

    PFC-Rau Member

    I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I really didnt think I'd be posting what's going on with me on the internet. My thoughts are probably going to appear sporadic and to someone healthy like I am overreacting a lot. I just want an honest assessment or a plan to move forward. Its been plaguing me for a while now, I have attempted it when I was much younger, failed (badly), and thought that was it that life was very much happy.

    I do not need to be pontificated to or get the "oh it's not worth it, there are other things in life" speech, yah I know, it's cowardly and selfish and hurtful and its making more statistics blah blah blah...I apologize in advance for the callousness portrayed in this post and the lopsidedness and how long it will be...I still don't know why I am posting online to a bunch of strangers and this might get back to someone and the Army will put me on suicide watch and end my career, but whatever, so much has happened to me in a short time that I really don't care.

    Anyways, to the story...

    So, background. I'm in the Army. I'm from the Bronx, borough in New York City. My time there I've been cheated on, attempted suicide, lost friends and acquaintances to homicide, suicide, sickness, jail, drug abuse and it really makes for an unhealthy enviornment. My home is fine, middle class working family, parents married 21 years, paying off the house, it's not a problem at home or ever was so please save me the "were you beaten as a kid?", I wasn't. Then again, 21st century stigmatizes a lovetap on the cheek with the back of the hand as a "beating" so I suppose to some bigoted or close-minded peace-lover, I was beaten-that's not the point. I've been hurt by my fair share of females. I guess nice guys do finish last? However, I do not think I am always a nice guy, maybe I deserved it or did something wrong? Whatever, things happen for a reason.

    The first time was stupid. I was like 14 or something and some girl decided to hook up with some other dude and write him a love note and wasted about a paragraph saying how much of a wierdo or creeper I was. Looking back, I would've laughed a little bit...and I would not have wanted to have sex with someone like her...but hey, I was a dumbass adolescent who was fixated with sexual intercourse at a young age to look "cool" and those trivial statements cut to the bone. Like any other 13/14 year old, seeing movies-suicide was accomplished by downing a bunch of pills and dying just like that...well turns out a few dozen Tylenol do not do anything of the sort other than make you puke everywhere and wish you had died. Family caught wind, friends caught wind...and yah, downward spiral. I felt like it backfired and it came back on me that I was selfish and a coward. Eventually got over it...everything was fine until about February. Hooked up with some girl I had known for a long time. Got into a relationship of sorts, really platonic and fun, I felt great. Then I hear she's seeing someone else-didn't take any note of it. Went to BCT on 11 Sept, and got a letter from her a week before Graduation how she was seeing someone else...
    ...however, I already found the love of my life. And I still feel this way. Awesome girl, older than me but just the same as me, smart, athletic, cynical, humorous, put others before herself, loved to hang out and enjoyed a lot of the things I did. She was coming off of a bad breakup about a year before and just had one dude who she saw once a month to fill baser needs and that was it. I had put aside my current girlfriend planning to break up and go with her. She invited me to stay with her over our "Christmas Exodus" 17-day leave period. It was perfect, we were both going EOD with the Army, same squad in Basic, same duty stations, great sex, her parents loved me, perfection.

    I promised her I would never hurt her, I would never become clingy or selfish or crazy or possessive or paranoid or anything like I used to be when I was a kid. It went great...until she failed school early, everything went to shit. I hated my MOS, I hated our post, I hated everyone around her since I couldn't be with her everyday. No sex, separation (males and females aren't in the same barracks), overthinking and pressure. I was starting to do things I didn't want to do. I shipped off to the second phase a week after we got a hotel room together and talked about our life. I was going to ask her parents for permission to marry her (which I did, they said yes), bought a ring...that we would pickup later and this was a bump in the road and seperation didn't have any bearing...
    I was wrong. All that time I hated her friends and didn't want her leaving post and drinking. I was listening to other people's conjecture and letting my mind wander. I was being clingy and possessive and hateful. I didn't realize it at the time. It was a mix between paranoia, seperation anxiety and the absolute hatred of EOD and what they did to us that was blinding me. Phase Two is at Eglin Air Force Base in Destin, Florida. It's beautiful here. I started getting more and more depressed to the point no matter what she did to convince me and assure me she wouldn't run off with her old sex-buddy (who, awkwardly enough is already an EOD Tech) or anyone of her close friends I wouldn't listen. We'd fight, have 2 days of peace and either I'd slide into depression again or start another fight. But we always maintained we loved each other.

    I eventually got kicked out of school. It's political here. First, I failed a test but because of my depression I became callous which made me reckless and cold which made me dangerous which makes me a liability. The day of my Board (the Military's chairman style hearings to see why you deserve a second chance) I didn't get it...called her and she started crying and said she had a lot on her mind.

    That was 2 Thursday's ago...every night we skype'ed and I tried to pick up the pieces and realized I went back on my promises. She was dealing with stress and all the rushing into an engagement, depression, separation, anger, hate, possessive, clingy-ness and people putting their 2-cents into our relationship all crushed her spirit. She is no longer able to make herself happy. She maintains that she loves me and cares for me but 2 nights ago broke up with me.

    So...I have lost my MOS. Seperate story, but me and my sister are estranged, it's going on 2 months...its really bad. She predicted this, last thing she said to me was she hopes my girlfriend left me (check), I fail out of school (check), and I die (thinking about it)...

    My girlfriend (ex now, don't see it that way) says she cant promise me she won't sleep with any other guys or won't see anyone. She doesn't know what she wants to do that we should go on with our lives and whether in 7 days or 7 years see if it works.

    Here is my problem...I am absolutely devastated I lost her. I failed her and failed myself. I drove her away. I let school corrupt me and let my relationship corrupt school and lost them both. I am partially estranged from my family. I have turned my back on all I held dear, I made her my life and I have lost her. I don't want to wait for indefinite amount of time to not get her.

    I DON'T want her having sex with some other dude. yes, she's single...but the love of my life sleeping with someone else...that does not compute. I know if it happens we'll fight forever and that'll ruin us again. I don't want to become another one of her old flings that whoever maybe her new boyfriend complains about and puts her through this again.

    I wanted so bad to work it out, I wanted to have space for her but I couldn't hack it. She broke up with me.

    So yah, failed out of EOD...lost the love of my life...lost my family and friends...lost my motivation.

    I am so hemmed up on her sleeping with someone else, it'd be okay if she could promise me she wouldn't, but I'd be controlling if I did that. But I wont be okay with it. I am not okay with losing her-I can't just sleep with someone else or meet someone else and give someone else the ring, it doesn't work like that.

    Yah, I'm young...blah blah's too early...I get it, I know, I understand, roger that, hooyah have a nice day...I just don't want to deal with the pain anymore. I want out. . Symbolic and it wont be so messy. And a thought of me decapitated, even though I do feel like dying, is oddly bothersome.

    I am confused. I am lost. I am angry...I just want to work it out. I told her ill call her Saturday night. If she cant promise me she'll take time for HER, and run off with someone dude then she doesn't have to worry about returning my laptop or my clothes or my other things...I'll be dead.

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2013
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    forget girls right now and focus on you. Otherwise, your obsession with her is going to ultimately lead to your death. From what it sounds like, she's moved on. So you should as well. I'm probably not the right person to really give you advice because I'm at a point where I'm very seriously contemplating suicide and all you'd ever get from me is stuff you shouldn't have to hear if you want to live so I'll just leave it at, focus on Yourself and you alone. Nobody else matters except for you. You need to be a little selfish. Do you, and not her;) haha sorry had to say that. I would be more direct and blunt with this post but it's already gotten me into trouble before lol so I'll just say god bless.
  3. PFC-Rau

    PFC-Rau Member

    She said she wants to take a break. That she still loves me and cares about me and wants to make sure she can make herself happy before giving herself a second chance...left that out. Oops.

    Maybe you're right though. Maybe that's some malingering hope she's filling me with so I can readjust. But it's not-she's not that kind of person, she's blunt as hell and if that's what she wanted she wouldn't have said it.

    Everything I try to concentrate on just me, I think of me and not having her and it burns, a I'm stuck in a revolving door so to speak.
  4. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    lol yeah what you left out is a pretty telling bit of information. Then forget what I said. Take what SHE said into consideration. Heed her advice. She obviously cares enough about you to do what she needs to do to make sure your relationship with her can be a thriving one. Now you should do the same as her. Make sure that YOU are happy before you give yourself a second chance with her. That's the best thing you can do for you and ultimately, the both of you. Your unhappiness hinges on more than just not having her, so get all that other stuff sorted out.
  5. PFC-Rau

    PFC-Rau Member

    My main problem is that I can't stand the fact that, while its justified since she's single, that she might sleep with someone else or replace me.

    Only because, either I'll be a bad memory and something for a new boyfriend/fiancee to rag on her about and complain about and so she gets hurt again...or if for some reason she does come back and she was with another person, I wouldn't be able to come to terms with that and we'd go through this again.

    The other stuff, I can put that away. I want to tell her that if she wants this to work she's gotta promise me she won't see anyone...but that's possessive and controlling and is repeating what I'm doing...if I leave it alone, it'll gnaw at me all the time...and like I said, she's brutally honest, she'd tell me and we'd be back at this again.

    That's why I'm stuck. That's why I'm in pain, along with all the other crap. I just want out.

    ...Looking at that post...I am over-reacting so...what'd be the best way to approach it? Because I don't think I can let that go...I don't want to try to guilt her into it and be like "Oh if you even have a possibility of being with someone I'll kill myself"

    She mentioned she "might sleep with one person" but she doesn't know what's she's going to do and everyone I talked to about it (well, they were all guys, not any females) said that's a red flag that she probably already has someone lined up...and it's kinda hard to ignore that possibility.

    Everywhere I turn, I see pain when it comes to this.
    If she promised me she can, then I'd pull my head out of my ass and drive on...if not...Idk...
  6. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    the best way to approach it is not to depend so much on a girl like this for your happiness. seems like you're a bit too attached to the "What If" instead of the "What's Actually Happening." Right now she isn't sleeping with anyone or with anyone. You can't control what she does, but you can control how you feel. Feel better knowing that she told you she cares for you and loves you. lol to be honest dude, you're a little like a woman when it comes to this lol so over-analyzing. =p Just chill out and know women aren't everything. There's way more to life than that. Try to enjoy life before you enjoy the company of a woman. Love is complicated enough without you making it more complicated for yourself. Just relax.
  7. PFC-Rau

    PFC-Rau Member

    So don't bring up how I feel at all?
    Shit, this turned from suicide prevention to quasi-marriage counseling real quick

    I kinda don't want to have to bury it all the time. I don't want to slip up and get into some shitty argument about it.
    That kills me...that i keep hurting her because of my damn problems.

    Yah, I am acting like a damn female lol...
  8. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    lol dude all i can say is just relax and let things play out as they will. Regardless of how you feel, she'll do what she feels is best for her. If that's ....for some reason deciding that she wants to be with another guy and she fucks him then that's it. If she wants to be with you then you'll know because she'll be with you. You can't control what she does no matter how you feel about her. So just let things fall into place. You're thinking too much lol
  9. Ataraxia

    Ataraxia Member

    Your problems are something that causes a lot of depression for a lot of people. I read the entire thing and I think I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I will just concentrate on the part related to your latest breakup. I COMPLETELY understand how you feel as far as not wanting her to sleep with any other guy. The despair, anxiety and sadness you feel when just thinking about another guy touching her is something I have experienced as well.

    I'm going to tell you to do something that might seem like it might not make sense. But I wish I had someone to tell me this when I went through what you’re going through. It would have saved me a lot of painful nights. DONT try to find out if she has slept with anyone else EVER. Sometimes too much knowledge can cripple us. This is one of those cases. Even if she dates other guys just assume she hasn't slept with them. If you can let her know not to talk about other guys with you. Trust me you will be better off not knowing.

    Stay strong, I think you have a shot at getting her back. But it’s going to be on HER terms not yours. That may mean she might date someone else before you get her back. That may mean she won’t date anyone else but you have to wait months before she gives you another chance. Basically there is not way to predict when it will happen. You just have to do the right thing till then.

    The good news is that you know exactly what went wrong and you know you caused it. So if you can prove to her that you have changed she will want to come back to you because it sounds like you guys had a great relationship. In the meantime fix your career situation, show her you’re strong enough to get over this hurdle and stand up again. It will only help her decision to want you back. If you let your depression take you over and control how you act and what you do then you’re guaranteeing that she will never come back to you.
  10. holding on

    holding on New Member

    If you die, you'll never know if you could have gotten her back. I broke up with my boyfriend because I wanted time to make sure he was the right one, but he thought we would never get back together. After 5 months he killed himself. I was going to text him on his birthday to see how he was doing but I never got the chance since he killed himself the month before. I want him back more than anything, but that isn't even an option for me anymore since he decided to check out. She may realize she's stupid for giving you up and she may come back to you. But if you decide to leave this existence, you're not giving you or her the option of that. Also, no one is worth dying over. Live life, you never know what's around the corner.
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